I refuse to talk about the American midterm elections. As the world holds its breath waiting for what the media has decided is the biggest contest between good and evil since Moses outmaneuvered the Egyptians at the Red Sea – count me out. Why? Because the media has decided it’s the biggest contest between good and evil since Moses outmaneuvered the Egyptians at the Red Sea. Please! I’ve lived through Jimmy Carter, Georges Pompidou, James Callaghan, Ronald Reagan, Valery Giscard d’Estaing and Maggie Thatcher – I know what evil looks like. So for those of us who like a little more meat and a little less Wavy Gravy in our political discussions, I’ve prepared a suitable alternative. Here are some of the best jokes of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Enjoy!
The problem with my jokes is that they sometimes take a while to get. Sometimes I’ll tell a joke and then 10 minutes later, when a different comedian is on stage, everyone starts laughing.
When I see Donald Trump, I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.
My wife said she wanted to meet new people. I took her to the maternity ward
I’ve created an app to help with insomnia, called Slumbr, which lets you talk to other really boring people until you fall asleep. It’s online sedating.
The waiter in the restaurant asked me if I had any allergies. I said, ‘Yes, I am allergic to penicillin’.
I didn’t like getting lost on a campsite in the dark. I was feeling tents.
I weigh 20 [280 lbs – 186 kg] stone, so being stalked by me is like heart disease. If you really want to avoid it, just start jogging.
I threw my hands in the air, which was a shame because I had nothing to catch them with on the way down.
My girlfriend is half Irish and half Chinese. Which means she’s incredibly beautiful and I’m never allowed to do an impression of her.
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
My reasons for learning origami are two-fold.
Heaven is a bit difficult to reach, but if you are Catholic you can aim lower, to Purgatory: it is like a cheaper version of the afterlife, the Ryanair of souls.
Since my kids were born, I’ve started wearing jeans from M&S. They’re a style called ‘relaxed skinny’ – ironically, two things I haven’t been since my kids were born.
I played Hamlet once, not very successfully. The audience threw eggs at me. I went on as Hamlet and came off as omelette.
I only go for runs when it’s raining because it feels like you’re sweating way more and no one can see that you’re crying.
I could never work in The Job Centre. Imagine working somewhere and knowing if you finally have the courage to quit, you’ve still got to go in the next day.
Someone close to me died this morning, which made for an uncomfortable train journey.
When I was unconscious in the hospital, Mrs Tavare played me music as stimulation. First she tried Justin Beiber in the hope I might get out of bed and switch it off…
I took my nephew on the swings. He kept complaining that it goes up too high. I said, ‘Shut up and push’.
I suffer from insomnia and I’ve tried everything, even counting sheep. I got up to about 100 sheep the other night and still couldn’t get to sleep, so I went back inside.
My dad loves his dog more than us. He makes it a roast chicken seasoned in herbs every Sunday, which is stupid as dogs have no concept of Thyme.
I was arguing with someone until we came across a smiling fortune teller… I think we found a happy medium.
Bread & Geller
Shears: cutting-hedge technology.
I didn’t start experimenting with drugs until I was in my 40s. Prior to that, I was just enjoying them.
I invented the self-fulfilling prophesy. It probably won’t go anywhere, but still. . . .
My boss has finally recognised my potential and reduced my wages accordingly.
And my very favourite is:
It might seem like we’re heading for a dystopian future right now, but I read that book, 1984, and things were way worse back then.