Top 10 Jokes of 2022

If you take the world seriously (which I haven’t for some years now) there’s enough going wrong these days that even optimists are getting the Windex out to clean their rose-coloured glasses.  Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse – they did.  People are starting to read Kafka for laughs and Cormac McCarthy is beginning to look downright light-hearted.  However, rather than dwell on the obvious let’s stop for a moment, pour a beverage and relax.

Remember, August is that time of year when the local folks of Edinburgh rent their houses out for mucho dinero and bugger off to Spain; chased out of their town by the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  For those of you who’ve never heard of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that’s too bad because it’s the greatest mish-mash of all-things-considered in the world.  The Edinburgh Fringe is actually several coexisting arts festivals that run amok, day and night, through the streets of Edinburgh for the entire month of August.  It was started in the late 1940s by some university students, and even though it’s become internationally huge, it still maintains its undergraduate Alphagetti-for-breakfast air.

One of the biggest parts of The Fringe is comedy; some good, some bad, some awful.  And even though humour has been outlawed by the woke crew the Fringe keeps plugging away.  And after a Covid hiatus, it has produced a Top Ten list of the funniest jokes of the Festival.  This is this year’s offering.  So, as the world continues to spin, tune out for a second and remember we’re still the funniest species on the planet.

1. “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta” – Masai Graham

2. “Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next-day delivery” – Mark Simmons

3. “My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock” – Olaf Falafel

4. “By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I – but it is the same house and it is the same family” – Hannah Fairweather

5. “I hate funerals – I’m not a mourning person” – Will Mars

6. “I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back” – Olaf Falafel

7. “I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx” – Richard Pulsford

8. “I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery” – Tim Vine

9. “Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate” – Sophie Duker

10. “I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days” – Will Duggan

I Miss BJM

Last year (Yeah, The Twelve Months From Hell) one of my eBuddies decided she wasn’t going to be kicked around by the gloom and doom circling the planet.  So she did something about it.  She used her blog to create Bad Joke Monday — a bit of silliness in a world of woe.  Then she spread it around in her little corner of the world – cuz that’s what you’re supposed to do.  Everyone who was touched by BJM (as it came to be called) had a grin, a giggle and usually a groan every week – plus, they got to see some kickass illustrations.  It was a cool comedy umbrella when everything seemed to be seriously raining on our parade.  I loved BJM, and I miss it.  So, with a virtual salute to all of us who were involved in CJ’s creation, here are some really, really bad jokes.  Enjoy!

It’s time to stop eating grapes.  It’s all about raisin awareness.

Last week, I found out I was colour blind.  It just came out of the green.

The local archery club likes to hold their meetings at the cheese shop … just to shoot the brie.

A man got hit by a train and broke his left arm and his left leg.  He’s all right now.

A minister, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood bank.  The nurse asked, “What’s your blood type?” and the rabbit replied, “I’m pretty sure I’m a Type-O.”

Atheists belong to a non-prophet organization.

A piano fell down a mineshaft, and all that was left was A Flat Minor.

People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am.

The first time I used a universal remote control, I thought, “Wow! This changes everything.”

I can only recite 25 letters of the alphabet.  I can’t remember why.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Let’s all go for coffee.  It’ll be a latte of fun.

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?  Hop in.

What do you call a fish who doesn’t have any eyes?  A fsh.

Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?  No problem.  Put your clothes over there.

What did the beaver say when he hit his head on a wall?  Dam!

If you ever get a bladder infection – you’re in trouble.

I’m not addicted to drinking brake fluid; I can stop anytime.

If you’re holding a bee, what’s in your eye?  Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

And finally:

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon, but when it arrived, the pages were blank.  I have no words to describe how angry I was.

Best Jokes — 2019

jokes

What the hell’s going on?  It’s Friday the 13th, a couple of days ago there was a full moon, last Sunday we changed the clocks and now I found out some idiot bought all the toilet paper.  If I wasn’t a man of science, I would think Mother Nature is conspiring against her children.  She’s not.  Remember, we survived SARS in 2003, Bird Flu in 2005 and Swine Flu in 2009 ….  Hey!  Do I detect a pattern, here??  Anyway, I’m confident we’ll survive, but unfortunately I think the road’s going to get a little rocky.  So, in the interests of smoothing out the journey, here are the best jokes of the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Sit back, relax and have a laugh.  It can’t hurt.

What do I want played at my funeral?  Rugby! – Goodbear

My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. – Matt Richardson

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. – Abbie Murphy

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the Internet. – Catherine Bohart

In his job, my dad’s never lost a case.  That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler. – Glenn Moore

Apparently, smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory.  Well it that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? – Mickey P. Kerr

Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre.  That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbeque. – Sam Morrison

Did you know the word “Ikea” is actually made up of two Swedish words?  “Ika,” meaning Sunday and “Keya,” meaning f***ing ruined. – The Scummy Mummies

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.  He was close, but no cigar. – Goose

I’ve tried online dating.  If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious. – Juliette Burton

Someone once said to me “Billie, you are so pretentious.” I think it was Jean Paul Sartre.  Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget. – Billie Trix

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp. – Lucy Frederick

I got asked the other day if I liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee. – Joey Page

Someone stole my antidepressants.  Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. — Richard Stott

A thesaurus is great.  There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

Crime in a multi-storey car park.  That is wrong on so many different levels. – Tim Vine

I picked up a hitchhiker.  You’ve got to when you hit them. – Emo Philips

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.  I thought, “This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox

I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us.  He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.  What’s the point? – Alexei Sayle

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine. – Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, OMG! Me neither.” – Alasdair Beckett-King

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark? – Adam Hess

Why is it old people say, “There’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one … — Stuart Mitchell

I often confuse Americans and Canadians … by using long words. – Gary Delaney

And finally:  Three of my favourites that didn’t make the cut.

I hate it when you see your girlfriend with another man and you can’t say anything about it cuz you’re with your wife and kids.

I hate it when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend and you can’t explain why you’re so sad … to your husband.

I hate it when you know your husband’s cheating on you cuz he said he spent the weekend fishing with his best friend Jerry and you know he didn’t … cuz Jerry was in bed with you all weekend.