Best Jokes — 2019

jokes

What the hell’s going on?  It’s Friday the 13th, a couple of days ago there was a full moon, last Sunday we changed the clocks and now I found out some idiot bought all the toilet paper.  If I wasn’t a man of science, I would think Mother Nature is conspiring against her children.  She’s not.  Remember, we survived SARS in 2003, Bird Flu in 2005 and Swine Flu in 2009 ….  Hey!  Do I detect a pattern, here??  Anyway, I’m confident we’ll survive, but unfortunately I think the road’s going to get a little rocky.  So, in the interests of smoothing out the journey, here are the best jokes of the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Sit back, relax and have a laugh.  It can’t hurt.

What do I want played at my funeral?  Rugby! – Goodbear

My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. – Matt Richardson

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. – Abbie Murphy

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the Internet. – Catherine Bohart

In his job, my dad’s never lost a case.  That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler. – Glenn Moore

Apparently, smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory.  Well it that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? – Mickey P. Kerr

Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre.  That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbeque. – Sam Morrison

Did you know the word “Ikea” is actually made up of two Swedish words?  “Ika,” meaning Sunday and “Keya,” meaning f***ing ruined. – The Scummy Mummies

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.  He was close, but no cigar. – Goose

I’ve tried online dating.  If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious. – Juliette Burton

Someone once said to me “Billie, you are so pretentious.” I think it was Jean Paul Sartre.  Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget. – Billie Trix

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp. – Lucy Frederick

I got asked the other day if I liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee. – Joey Page

Someone stole my antidepressants.  Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. — Richard Stott

A thesaurus is great.  There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

Crime in a multi-storey car park.  That is wrong on so many different levels. – Tim Vine

I picked up a hitchhiker.  You’ve got to when you hit them. – Emo Philips

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.  I thought, “This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox

I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us.  He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.  What’s the point? – Alexei Sayle

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine. – Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, OMG! Me neither.” – Alasdair Beckett-King

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark? – Adam Hess

Why is it old people say, “There’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one … — Stuart Mitchell

I often confuse Americans and Canadians … by using long words. – Gary Delaney

And finally:  Three of my favourites that didn’t make the cut.

I hate it when you see your girlfriend with another man and you can’t say anything about it cuz you’re with your wife and kids.

I hate it when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend and you can’t explain why you’re so sad … to your husband.

I hate it when you know your husband’s cheating on you cuz he said he spent the weekend fishing with his best friend Jerry and you know he didn’t … cuz Jerry was in bed with you all weekend.

American Election: A Suitable Alternative

jokes

I refuse to talk about the American midterm elections.  As the world holds its breath waiting for what the media has decided is the biggest contest between good and evil since Moses outmaneuvered the Egyptians at the Red Sea – count me out.  Why?  Because the media has decided it’s the biggest contest between good and evil since Moses outmaneuvered the Egyptians at the Red Sea.  Please!  I’ve lived through Jimmy Carter, Georges Pompidou, James Callaghan, Ronald Reagan, Valery Giscard d’Estaing and Maggie Thatcher – I know what evil looks like.  So for those of us who like a little more meat and a little less Wavy Gravy in our political discussions, I’ve prepared a suitable alternative.  Here are some of the best jokes of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Enjoy!

The problem with my jokes is that they sometimes take a while to get. Sometimes I’ll tell a joke and then 10 minutes later, when a different comedian is on stage, everyone starts laughing.
David McIver

When I see Donald Trump, I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes

My wife said she wanted to meet new people. I took her to the maternity ward

I’ve created an app to help with insomnia, called Slumbr, which lets you talk to other really boring people until you fall asleep. It’s online sedating.
Jon Harvey

The waiter in the restaurant asked me if I had any allergies. I said, ‘Yes, I am allergic to penicillin’.
Stuart Mitchell

I didn’t like getting lost on a campsite in the dark. I was feeling tents.
Charlie Partridge

I weigh 20 [280 lbs – 186 kg] stone, so being stalked by me is like heart disease. If you really want to avoid it, just start jogging.
Matt Price

I threw my hands in the air, which was a shame because I had nothing to catch them with on the way down.
Paul Mayhew

My girlfriend is half Irish and half Chinese. Which means she’s incredibly beautiful and I’m never allowed to do an impression of her.
Brett Goldstein

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Ian Smith

My reasons for learning origami are two-fold.
Ken Cheng

Heaven is a bit difficult to reach, but if you are Catholic you can aim lower, to Purgatory: it is like a cheaper version of the afterlife, the Ryanair of souls.
Luca Cupani

Since my kids were born, I’ve started wearing jeans from M&S. They’re a style called ‘relaxed skinny’ – ironically, two things I haven’t been since my kids were born.
Lucy Porter

I played Hamlet once, not very successfully. The audience threw eggs at me. I went on as Hamlet and came off as omelette.
Gyles Brandreth

I only go for runs when it’s raining because it feels like you’re sweating way more and no one can see that you’re crying.
Paul Williams

I could never work in The Job Centre. Imagine working somewhere and knowing if you finally have the courage to quit, you’ve still got to go in the next day.
Adam Rowe

Someone close to me died this morning, which made for an uncomfortable train journey.
Glenn Moore

When I was unconscious in the hospital, Mrs Tavare played me music as stimulation. First she tried Justin Beiber in the hope I might get out of bed and switch it off…
Jim Tavare

I took my nephew on the swings.  He kept complaining that it goes up too high. I said, ‘Shut up and push’.
Nick Dixon

I suffer from insomnia and I’ve tried everything, even counting sheep. I got up to about 100 sheep the other night and still couldn’t get to sleep, so I went back inside.
George Rigden

My dad loves his dog more than us.  He makes it a roast chicken seasoned in herbs every Sunday, which is stupid as dogs have no concept of Thyme.
Rachel Fairburn

I was arguing with someone until we came across a smiling fortune teller… I think we found a happy medium.
Bread & Geller

Shears: cutting-hedge technology.
David Ephgrave

I didn’t start experimenting with drugs until I was in my 40s.  Prior to that, I was just enjoying them.
Roman Fraden

I invented the self-fulfilling prophesy.  It probably won’t go anywhere, but still. . . .
Garret Millerick

My boss has finally recognised my potential and reduced my wages accordingly.
Richard Todd

And my very favourite is:

It might seem like we’re heading for a dystopian future right now, but I read that book, 1984, and things were way worse back then.
Jim Campbell

 

Top 15 Jokes Of 2017

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There’s enough going wrong in the world this week that even we optimists are getting the Windex out to clean our rose-coloured glasses.  Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse – they did.  People are starting to read Kafka for laughs and Cormac McCarthy is beginning to look downright lighthearted.  However, rather than dwell on the obvious let’s stop for a moment, pour a beverage and relax.

Remember, August is that time of year when the local folks of Edinburgh rent their houses out for mucho dinero and bugger off to Spain; chased out of their town by the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  For those of you who’ve never heard of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that’s too bad because it’s the greatest mish-mash of all-things-considered in the world.  The Edinburgh Fringe is actually several coexisting arts festivals that run amok, day and night, through the streets of Edinburgh for the entire month of August.  It was started in the late 1940s by some university students, and even though it’s become internationally huge, it still maintains its undergraduate Alphagetti-for-breakfast air.

One of the biggest parts of The Fringe is comedy; some good, some bad, some awful.  And for the last few years, it has produced a Top Ten [Fifteen] list of the funniest jokes of the Festival.  This is this year’s offering.  So, as the world continues to spin, tune out for a second and remember we’re still the funniest species on the planet.  (oddly enough, this was written in 2011)

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe (2017)

  1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change” – Ken Cheng
  2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book” – Frankie Boyle
  3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” – Alexei Sayle
  4. “I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her” – Lew Fitz
  5. “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated” – Andy Field
  6. “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant” – Mark Simmons
  7. “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…” – Jimeoin
  8. “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house” – Ed Byrne
  9. “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine” – Olaf Falafel
  10. “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ – Alasdair Beckett-King
  11. “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event” – Angela Barnes
  12. “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer” – Adele Cliff
  13. “For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it” – Phil Wang
  14. “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark” – Adam Hess
  15. “I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act” – Tim Vine