The War on Christmas is over, and only nitwits and sophomores are still proclaiming that “Happy Holidays” is the one true path to enlightenment. That’s the good news. The bad news is, unfortunately, even though it serves no purpose, the silliness surrounding the biggest celebration on the Christian calendar continues. I guess there’s just something about “Peace on Earth” that brings out every disaffected dolt with a grudge and an Internet connection. However, take heart! Here are a few helpful hints to avoid the perils of a contemporary Christmas.
The Tree – There’s always somebody who’s going to point out that Christmas trees are actually pagan symbols and then literally bathe in the suggested religious hypocrisy. The best retort is, “Yes, that’s true. In fact, it was sexually repressed, anal retentive Puritans who banned Christmas trees for that very reason.” (Pause – 1, 2, 3) “By the way, which kind are you?”
The Songs – They’ve already banned “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” so can “don we now our gay apparel” and “folks dressed up like Eskimos” be far behind? Even “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is under suspicion … bullying! After all, when “all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names” Rudolph didn’t contact an authority figure (i.e. Santa Claus) to complain. The best thing to do is stick to “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano. It’ll drive you stark raving mad, but it ticks all the boxes.
Mistletoe – Not a good idea.
Office Parties – A grand tradition of good cheer and camaraderie that has fallen on hard times. These days, nobody’s willing to chance waking up the morning after with a screaming hangover and a retroactive lawsuit. So be it. However, there’s no need to cancel this year’s festivities: simply segregate the party by gender — like they do in Muslim countries.
The Presents – Commercialism has always been the battle cry of those pompous asses who don’t understand Christmas in the first place. However, this one is easy. All you have to do is buy presents that nobody’s ever heard of. Things like Fair Trade/handmade Ecuadorian shoelaces, or a Nigerian nose flute or a Community College course in roof thatching. And what child wouldn’t be overjoyed to discover a bundle of organic asparagus in her stocking?
Santa Claus – This is a bad one. Not only is Santa clearly running a sweatshop where a beleaguered minority (the elves) are forced to work long hours in less than ideal conditions, but there’s also the question of Mrs. Claus – a women so oppressed she doesn’t even have a first name! Plus, there’s the bullying issue (covered in #2) the obesity issue, the trust issue, the judgemental issue and nobody really knows how big a carbon footprint flying reindeer leave. This is a minefield, and the only way out of it is to tell your kids Santa Claus DOESN’T bring presents – Amazon does. Problem solved.
But the very best way to avoid the perils of a contemporary Christmas is simply to keep Christmas in your own way and don’t sweat the mean- spirited morons who want to ruin it.