We might think we’re Top of the Pops, but, all in all, 2019 was one of those years that history is going to forget. A lot of things happened, but most of them were simply ruts in the road – a little shimmy on the journey and then they were gone. Plus, a lot of the stuff that did go on was stuff we got wrong. So if future historians even mention us, they’ll probably be talking about things like:
Too Many Democrats – Apparently, the Democrats figure they need a football team of candidates to defeat Donald Trump. People! You had four years! What were you doing? Joe Biden? I’m laughing!
Syria – If anyone on this planet knows what’s going on in Syria — who’s fighting who, and why — please stand up and make yourself known because the rest of us are totally in the dark.
Hong Kong – While most of us (including me) were hanging out binge-watching Netflix and HBO, the kids in Hong Kong were fighting our war for us. Personally, I’m a little embarrassed.
Brexit – In 2016, The Brits decided they weren’t Europeans, and four years later, the door still hasn’t hit them in the ass on the way out. You know you’re in trouble when you have to call in Boris Johnson to clean up the mess.
Climate Change — Europe had the hottest summer ever; Venice is flooded; Greenland is becoming green again; and Mother Nature decided to burn down California, Australia and the Amazon River basin. You wonder what it’s going to take to convince some people this Climate Change business is real.
Cigarette Ban – They’ve banned smoking in Austrian restaurants. Wait a minute! What year is this?
OK, Boomers! – As much as I like getting a kick in at the Baby Boom Generation, this putdown is pretty rich — coming from millennials who think they can change the world with angry emojis.
University Scandal – Several celebrities were caught bribing college officials to let their kids into the halls of higher learning. The irony is thick here, given that the parents made their money without a university degree, and the kids don’t actually need a university degree because their parents are rich enough to buy them one.
The MCU and Game of Thrones – Both mega-serials ended this year, and nerds all over the world suddenly had nothing to talk about.
And, of course, there were the people:
Kim Jung-un – Why are we still dicking around with this guy?
Trump – I literally have no adjectives left.
Jane Fonda & Bernie Sanders – The 60s are over: GO AWAY!
Emmanuel Macron – With Merkel out of the picture, the French President thought he could shoot his mouth off about the World Bank, NATO, European Immigration and whatever else crossed his mind. Pretty bold talk for someone’s who got xanthophobia. Just sayin’!
Greta Thunberg – Oops! Too soon!
Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor – Awwwww!
Robert Mugabe – Apparently, it’s true: only the good do die young.
Vladimir Putin – You know it’s been a bad year when this guy looks like he knows what he’s doing.
Justin Trudeau – During the Canadian election, the self-proclaimed Prince Charming of the Progressive Left, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, was caught in blackface, not once, not twice, but on three separate occasions. And guess what? He got re-elected! I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.
And that, boys and girls, tells you everything you need to know about 2019!