2019: Stuff We Got Wrong


We might think we’re Top of the Pops, but, all in all, 2019 was one of those years that history is going to forget.  A lot of things happened, but most of them were simply ruts in the road – a little shimmy on the journey and then they were gone.  Plus, a lot of the stuff that did go on was stuff we got wrong.  So if future historians even mention us, they’ll probably be talking about things like:

Too Many Democrats – Apparently, the Democrats figure they need a football team of candidates to defeat Donald Trump.  People!  You had four years!  What were you doing?  Joe Biden?  I’m laughing!

Syria – If anyone on this planet knows what’s going on in Syria — who’s fighting who, and why — please stand up and make yourself known because the rest of us are totally in the dark.

Hong Kong – While most of us (including me) were hanging out binge-watching Netflix and HBO, the kids in Hong Kong were fighting our war for us.  Personally, I’m a little embarrassed.

Brexit – In 2016, The Brits decided they weren’t Europeans, and four years later, the door still hasn’t hit them in the ass on the way out.  You know you’re in trouble when you have to call in Boris Johnson to clean up the mess.

Climate Change — Europe had the hottest summer ever; Venice is flooded; Greenland is becoming green again; and Mother Nature decided to burn down California, Australia and the Amazon River basin.  You wonder what it’s going to take to convince some people this Climate Change business is real.

Cigarette Ban – They’ve banned smoking in Austrian restaurants.  Wait a minute!  What year is this?

OK, Boomers! – As much as I like getting a kick in at the Baby Boom Generation, this putdown is pretty rich — coming from millennials who think they can change the world with angry emojis.

University Scandal – Several celebrities were caught bribing college officials to let their kids into the halls of higher learning.  The irony is thick here, given that the parents made their money without a university degree, and the kids don’t actually need a university degree because their parents are rich enough to buy them one.

The MCU and Game of Thrones Both mega-serials ended this year, and nerds all over the world suddenly had nothing to talk about.

And, of course, there were the people:

Kim Jung-un – Why are we still dicking around with this guy?

Trump – I literally have no adjectives left.

Jane Fonda & Bernie Sanders – The 60s are over: GO AWAY!

Emmanuel Macron – With Merkel out of the picture, the French President thought he could shoot his mouth off about the World Bank, NATO, European Immigration and whatever else crossed his mind.  Pretty bold talk for someone’s who got xanthophobia.  Just sayin’!

Greta Thunberg – Oops!  Too soon!

Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor – Awwwww!

Robert Mugabe – Apparently, it’s true: only the good do die young.

Vladimir Putin – You know it’s been a bad year when this guy looks like he knows what he’s doing.

And finally:

Justin Trudeau – During the Canadian election, the self-proclaimed Prince Charming of the Progressive Left, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, was caught in blackface, not once, not twice, but on three separate occasions. And guess what?  He got re-elected!  I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.

And that, boys and girls, tells you everything you need to know about 2019!

Hello 2019!


Father Time (like Mother Nature) doesn’t wait for any of his children.  He just keeps marching along and you can lead, follow or get out of the way – whatever your preference.  So, today we turn another page in the book of history and become 2019 — whether we like it or not.  Personally, I always ring in the New Year with a renewed sense of optimism.  However, this January 1st, I’m finding it hard to get excited about a year that the United Nations has already designated “The International Year of the Periodic Table.”  (Whoa!  Party on, dude!)  I’m not saying 2019 is going to be a dud (Who knows?  The Cricket World Cup in May might be a barn burner) but for now ….  The thing is, though, we better enjoy 2019 while we got it, because time has a way of strolling along, and before we notice, somehow it’s gone.  Let me demonstrate.

Meryl Streep, Richard Gere, Gene Simmons and Bruce Springsteen are all going to celebrate their 70th birthday in 2019.

George W. Bush (who doesn’t look so bad these days) hasn’t been president for 10 years.

Jim Cameron’s Avatar was an instant success 10 years ago until everybody got over the CGI and 3D effects and realized that the story was just a total rip of Dances with Wolves.

The last time Jimmy Fallon was funny was 15 years ago– when he left Saturday Night Live.

Ex-Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, cheated for the first time 20 years ago.  He would do it a total of 7 times before he finally got caught and confessed.

Sponge Bob Square Pants and Vladimir Putin both made their debut 20 years ago.  (Coincidence?  I think not.)

Harry met Sally 30 years ago.  The same year the Berlin Wall came down.

I’m not sure if anybody even watches The Simpsons anymore, but just in case, Maggie is over 30.

All those beautiful half-naked people you see in the photographs of Woodstock (circa 1969) are retired now and probably spend their days worried about their digestion and bitchin’ about Social Security.

Barbie is about to turn 60.  I don’t want to sound catty, but I think that girl has had some cosmetic (plastic) work done.

Kurt Cobain died 25 years ago.

Half the people alive today weren’t even born when Freddie Mercury died in 1991.

But the weirdest thing about the coming year is:

Blade Runner, a movie that many of us grew up with as a dystopian look into our own future, is actually set in Los Angeles, November, 2019.