2019: Stuff We Got Wrong


We might think we’re Top of the Pops, but, all in all, 2019 was one of those years that history is going to forget.  A lot of things happened, but most of them were simply ruts in the road – a little shimmy on the journey and then they were gone.  Plus, a lot of the stuff that did go on was stuff we got wrong.  So if future historians even mention us, they’ll probably be talking about things like:

Too Many Democrats – Apparently, the Democrats figure they need a football team of candidates to defeat Donald Trump.  People!  You had four years!  What were you doing?  Joe Biden?  I’m laughing!

Syria – If anyone on this planet knows what’s going on in Syria — who’s fighting who, and why — please stand up and make yourself known because the rest of us are totally in the dark.

Hong Kong – While most of us (including me) were hanging out binge-watching Netflix and HBO, the kids in Hong Kong were fighting our war for us.  Personally, I’m a little embarrassed.

Brexit – In 2016, The Brits decided they weren’t Europeans, and four years later, the door still hasn’t hit them in the ass on the way out.  You know you’re in trouble when you have to call in Boris Johnson to clean up the mess.

Climate Change — Europe had the hottest summer ever; Venice is flooded; Greenland is becoming green again; and Mother Nature decided to burn down California, Australia and the Amazon River basin.  You wonder what it’s going to take to convince some people this Climate Change business is real.

Cigarette Ban – They’ve banned smoking in Austrian restaurants.  Wait a minute!  What year is this?

OK, Boomers! – As much as I like getting a kick in at the Baby Boom Generation, this putdown is pretty rich — coming from millennials who think they can change the world with angry emojis.

University Scandal – Several celebrities were caught bribing college officials to let their kids into the halls of higher learning.  The irony is thick here, given that the parents made their money without a university degree, and the kids don’t actually need a university degree because their parents are rich enough to buy them one.

The MCU and Game of Thrones Both mega-serials ended this year, and nerds all over the world suddenly had nothing to talk about.

And, of course, there were the people:

Kim Jung-un – Why are we still dicking around with this guy?

Trump – I literally have no adjectives left.

Jane Fonda & Bernie Sanders – The 60s are over: GO AWAY!

Emmanuel Macron – With Merkel out of the picture, the French President thought he could shoot his mouth off about the World Bank, NATO, European Immigration and whatever else crossed his mind.  Pretty bold talk for someone’s who got xanthophobia.  Just sayin’!

Greta Thunberg – Oops!  Too soon!

Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor – Awwwww!

Robert Mugabe – Apparently, it’s true: only the good do die young.

Vladimir Putin – You know it’s been a bad year when this guy looks like he knows what he’s doing.

And finally:

Justin Trudeau – During the Canadian election, the self-proclaimed Prince Charming of the Progressive Left, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, was caught in blackface, not once, not twice, but on three separate occasions. And guess what?  He got re-elected!  I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.

And that, boys and girls, tells you everything you need to know about 2019!

2016 SUCKS, but…


Let’s face it: 2016 was a crap year!  Tons of cool people died.  Evil bastards all over the world made a point of putting the dick back in dictator.  There was war, disease, famine, pestilence — you name it; we had it — and Ben Affleck was Batman!  Personally, this year can’t end fast enough.  However, I am an optimist, so let’s take a look at a few good things that happened in 2016.

1 — The millennials are now one year closer to getting run over by the reality train.

2 — We finally got rid of Alex Rodriguez.

3 — We have at least three more genders to fit into public toilets.

4 — It’s been 12 months since we’ve  heard from Charlie Sheen, Shia LaBeouf, Al Gore, that monumental jerk Letterman and What’s-Her-Name, the stupid blonde chick.

5 — French thieves.

6 — Gawker went broke.

7 — After 41 years of confusion, the British discovered they weren’t European, after all.

8 — The media finally confessed and admitted that half the stuff they’re calling news is actually just make-believe.

9 — The Cubs won the World Series, and Bob Dylan got the Nobel Prize for Literature.  (There’s no way 2017 can be any weirder than that.)

And finally, but most importantly:

10 — Politically Correct got an incredible kick in the cojones when reality TV star Donald Trump didn’t kowtow to those social media bullies.  The PC Reign of Terror might not be over, but every blow struck against those Intellectual Nazis is important.

BTW, you know what kind of year it’s been when a guy like me is congratulating Donald Trump for anything.


Hiya, 2012! How are ya?

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At the risk of clinging to a dead horse, I’m not finished with 2011 yet.  I think it was such a cool year we should extend it for a month or two.  I’ve got nothing against 2012.  I hardly know it, actually.  In fact, we’re barely acquainted, so I’m not going to rush to pass judgement.  I’m willing to give it a chance but at this point, all 2012 has to offer is the reality show “Who Wants To Be The President?” and the Mayan End of the World.  Tres boring!  Meanwhile, 2011 had so much stuff going on it’s hard to imagine it’s over.  It’s like when the rollercoaster comes sliding into the flat part at the end – you’re crying, your heart’s racing, you just about threw up and you’re going to need the Jaws of Life to deal with your underwear — but you’re kinda not finished yet, even though the ride is, and you want to go around again.  That’s the way I feel about 2011.  I’m like Oliver Twist, “Please sir, I want some more.”

The media echo chamber has done The Year in Review ad naseum and besides if you’re reading this you were obviously there, so it’s not like there are any surprises from last year.  However, if we cast a more critical eye over it, I think you’ll agree 2012 is going to have to be one kick-ass year to top 2011.

First of all, we got rid of some bad guys.  Ben Ali and Mubarak got tossed out of North Africa.  Muammar and his kids didn’t take the hint in Libya and they got the boot, too – with extreme prejudice, I might add.  In December, according to the local media, Kim Jung –il invented death in North Korea.  However, the brightest black star on the In Memoriam calendar was Osama Bin Laden who got double-tapped in Pakistan in May.  Too bad 2011 ran out before the people of Syria could turn Bashar al-Assad into a piñata and it’s going to take more than twelve months to adios what’s-his-name (I’m a dinner jacket?  Ahmadinejad?) out of Iran.  The same goes for Chavez in Venezuela, although ….  Meanwhile, it looks like a remake of The Lion King in North Korea where a weird wicked uncle is running the show until all-powerful adolescent Kim Jung-un grows into his daddy’s jackboots.  All in all, not a good year for villains.

The debt crisis in the United States proved that Republicans are just about as stupid as Barack Obama — which is going some — but it’s a great lead-up to 2012’s ultimate game of Survivor.  The various tribal councils (read state primaries) will determine who is voted off the election island but the real question on the Republican side is whether tired ideology will beat out pragmatic reality.  Stay tuned!

Across the Atlantic, in what was once the post Cold War European dinner party, the credit cards are starting to come back declined.  The purveyors of the feast, Papandreou, Berlusconi and Zapatero have all conveniently found the exits and Frau Merkel is getting the sinking feeling she’ll be stuck with the bill.  Good luck, Angela, and keep in mind, your date, Monsieur Sarkozy, might not be around long enough himself to help you cover the tab.  The question in 2012 may very well be: how many Deutsche Marks does it take to cover a Euro-failure?

However, even though the Western monetary crisis isn’t global – yet — it’s already showing some positive results.  There has been a serious cull in the herd of pretentious wine snobs that have plagued us for the last decade, and people are beginning to worry more about what they’re going to have for dinner than what Snooki ate.  Every dark cloud has a silver lining.

Fortunately, the biggest load of crap from 2011 seems to be dying a natural death, although a few hangers-on still believe they can resurrect the corpse.  The Occupy Whatever! Movement, which started out as a marketing campaign from Adbusters Magazine and ballooned into a half-inflated media beach ball has fizzled out.  The onset of cold weather cooled the ardour of even the most passionate proponent of social change.  Shivering for one’s ideals was just too much to ask of this generation’s activists.  They tend to run more towards social media and sun screen than a sustained attention span.  With any luck at all, the Occupier will continue to fade away and the whole thing will turn into a 2011 version of Woodstock: a “wasn’t that a time” nostalgic lie to tell the grandchildren.  If not, the summer of 2012 is going to be another pain in the ass for the people who are actually working on changing our social structures.

However, time marches on.  There’s no use living in the past even if it was only a couple of days ago.

Okay, 2012, show me what you’ve got!