A Sophomore History Of The World – Part 3

Everything was going along just fine — until the Europeans learned how to build boats.  For the next 300 years, they sailed around the world being total dicks to everybody.  They’d show up uninvited at various pristine locations and start cutting down the trees and peeing in the rivers.  Then, when the locals, who were invariably running near-utopian civilizations — tidy, peaceful, and cultured — calmly suggested they stop, all hell would break loose.  The Europeans would go for their guns (products of the early Military-Industrial Complex) and start shooting people and stealing their best stuff.  Somehow, this always came as a complete surprise to indigenous peoples — even though the pattern was repeated over and over for 20 generations (1492 – 1776.).  (It should be noted that, although women have always made major contributions to the world, they had absolutely nothing to do with this nasty business and only concerned themselves with the good parts of history.)

In 1776 (although nobody knew it at the time) there was a major shift in world power when a bunch of rich, Virginia farm boys decided they didn’t want to be Europeans anymore: they wanted to be something even nastier – Americans.  They succeeded beyond their wildest expectations – but more about that later.

In the rest of the world, things were pretty much status quo.  Europeans were running around raping, pillaging, raiding, plundering, exploiting, kicking widows, spitting on orphans and staying awake nights, thinking up other horrible things to do to the planet and the people on it.  Eventually, they came up with the Industrial Revolution.  Wow!  What a game-changer!  Suddenly, raping, pillaging, raiding, plundering, exploiting, kicking widows and spitting on orphans wasn’t just a hit-and- miss proposition anymore; it was part of the system.  And here’s the nastiest bit!  The sneaky bastards called it “capitalism” and convinced the entire world it was a good thing.  Anyway, the Military-Industrial Complex loved capitalism the way a French pig loves truffles, and that kicked both systems into high gear.  Pretty soon, Europe was spewing arms and ammunition like a freshman at a frat party.  But it was a case of too many weapons and nobody left to kill.  By the 20th century, Europeans had already fought everybody — including the Maoris, the Nepalese, the Bhutanese and the Ethiopians. There was only one thing left to do: fight with each other.  Which leads us to World War I, World War II and Adolf Hitler – the meanest man in history.

But wait!  There’s more!

Remember those Virginia farm boys?  They’d been hiding out in North America, quietly practicing their own brand of nasty on anybody they could get their mitts on for 150 years.  They took one look at the Europeans going at each other, thought, “Hey! Here’s our chance! That Charlie Chaplin lookin’ sucker can’t be that tough.” and proceeded to kick his ass.  Suddenly, nasty had a new Numero Uno: America.

So here we are in the 21st century, the peak of human knowledge and social understanding, with a bunch of problems created by dead Europeans and America is busy making them worse.

The End

Disclaimer:  Folks! – please!  Before you send me that email questioning my knowledge, my ancestry and my sanity, remember: this is satire!  It’s meant to lampoon simple interpretations of complex problems.

The Road To Hell Is Paved

The problem with life is bad decisions almost always make the best stories.  This is a fact that nobody feels all that comfortable with.  For example, the difference between “We made some tea and watched To Have and Have Not on PBS” and “We decided to open another bottle of wine” is massive.  One story ends with “We brushed our teeth and went to bed,’ and the other one gets lost somewhere around “After Tom passed out, we painted his ass orange and locked him in a row of grocery carts.”  See what I mean?

Both stories are actually true, BTW.  Obviously, nobody remembers the first one — like — who cares?  However, the second one is the stuff of legend.  It’s the kind of tale we tell at dinner parties.  It’s the one that is our public face.  The one that defines us as interesting.  And we all want to be interesting.

It’s not difficult to recognize the road to salvation.  It generally runs through tea, Netflix and conscientious oral hygiene.  However, the other road — the road to Hell — is paved.  It’s lined with ice cream shops and cheap alcohol, pretty girls and naughty boys.  It has hundreds of distracted side streets, secluded alleys and boisterous cafes, but never any toilets — anywhere.  It’s the perfect sexual moment interrupted by somebody’s mother, the wild ride to the wrong funeral and the time you passed out fell asleep behind Beverly Jenkins’ sofa.  In fact, the road to Hell is limited only by our innate ability to make mistakes.

Yet it is the road to Hell that protects us from being just another frump on the trudge to the grave.  It gives our lives curves, dents, depth and colour and lifts us above the relentless bureaucracy of everyday living.  And although the road to Hell doesn’t give life any true meaning, our adventures on it tell the world we showed up and got in the game.  And when we are old and gray and full of sleep, nodding by the fire, it’s the road to Hell we’ll remember, not the dental floss.

The trick is striking a balance between collecting enough uber-cool life stories to wow them in the Old Folks’ Home and staying out of jail.  (I’m still surprised Tom didn’t just call the cops!)

Originally written in 2015 (Yeah, I’ve been doing this for over 6 years!)

Conspiracy In The Suez Canal

Last Tuesday, a cargo ship, the Ever Given, got stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.  Weird, huh?  Anyway, the result was a gridlock of hundreds of other cargo ships that couldn’t get past the stranded vessel.  It was a transportation nightmare that halted international commerce in all directions.  Apparently, the accident was caused by a sandstorm, high winds and a couple of teeny-tiny human errors – or, at least, that’s the story we got.  These days, however, between propaganda, spin and out-and-out fake news, it’s hard to take anything at face value – even what looks like a perfectly legitimate accident.  Luckily, we have the Internet and Social Media to guide us.  Here are several spurious explanations of just exactly what the truth is about the good ship Ever Given

1 — It’s obvious that this is a covert attempt by the Canadian government to disrupt international shipping.  Canada has spent millions developing the so-called “Northern Sea Route” from Asia to Europe across the Arctic Circle.  However, they needed an “incident” to force the multi-nationals to consider alternative trade routes.  The so-called “experts” haven’t thought of this because Canadians seems so friendly and nice.    

2 — I think it’s awfully interesting that March 23, the day the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, is the same day that Benito Mussolini formed the Fascist Union in 1919 and Adolf Hitler became the dictator of Germany in 1933.  Coincidence?  Alt-right conspiracy?  You decide!  

3 — If you read between the lines, this is hard evidence that Global Warming is a hoax.  If sea levels are rising — as Greta Thunberg and the environmentalists claim — there would have been more than enough water in the Suez Canal to refloat the Ever Given.  Obviously, that didn’t happen.  Obviously, sea levels are NOT rising.  Obviously, Global Warming is a hoax.  Do your homework, people!

4 — Trump did it.

5 — The Ever Given ran aground on 23-3-21 (3-23-21 in America.)  The last three numbers are clearly a 3-2-1 countdown to the end of the world.  Plus, if you look up Revelation 3:21 in the Bible, you find:

“To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.”

I think this message is pretty clear to anybody who is willing to see it.  Amen!

6 — I saw a YouTube video that shows a man identified as the captain of the Ever Given receiving a large envelope from another man who looks suspiciously like Prince William.  Undoubtedly, the British Royal Family used their enormous wealth to create a catastrophic event that would distract the world’s attention from the devastating Oprah/Markle interview. 

7 — Nostradamus predicted this.

8 — It’s shocking to me that most people have missed the fact that Ever Given is an anagram for GE Veering. This is a subtle clue that shows General Electric (G.E.) deliberately turned the Ever Given sideways to block shipping of electronic goods from Asia, which, in turn, created an artificial shortage and thus drove up prices.

And finally:

9 — I’ve done some research, and if you draw a line from the Great Pyramid at Giza through the spot where the Ever Given was stuck, you end up on the slopes of Mount Ararat in Turkey.  Since it’s an accepted fact that the Pyramids were constructed by aliens and Noah’s Ark was actually an alien cargo ship carrying animals to Earth, it’s safe to assume the next alien landing will be on that mountain.  We should set up observation posts.