Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

How To Play “Cultural Appropriation”

family-gameThese days, Cultural Appropriation is trending everywhere. You can read about it here, but I’ve discovered an interesting fact: “Cultural Appropriation” isn’t real.  It’s a game invented by middleclass, university undergrads with time on their hands.  It’s quite simple and very similar to the “You’re a Racist” game; however, the scoring is slightly different.  A player must first ambush some unsuspecting white guy — doing just about anything beyond eating Kraft Dinner — and accuse him of Cultural Appropriation.  While the white guy is still wondering WTF, the player must then try and light up the Internet by generating enough traffic to attract the attention of the mainstream media.  There is no limit to the amount of venom or indignation the player can use.  Name calling is allowed, and as in the “White Privilege” game, there are no penalty points for bullshit.  Scoring is simple: more hits equal a higher score and Facebook “likes” don’t count. (Did they ever??)  There are bonus points if  the white guy apologizes and/or eventually just gives up trying to explain.  Also, all bonus points are doubled if the unsuspecting white guy is associated with a brand name corporation.  Points continue to accumulate through the 48 hour news cycle but stop immediately when the story appears on Huffington Post.  The player wins when the white guy’s activity or event is cancelled; however, NO points are awarded if the player doesn’t immediately bitch about the lack of cultural diversity in Western society.  In that scenario, the game resets itself and the player must start again.

Like all holier-than-thou games — including “Sexist, Sexist, I Found a Sexist” and “Homophobes are Everywhere” — ” Cultural Appropriation” is derived from the classic “Stereotyping White People” game which has been a sophomore sport since the mid 60s.  And although we’ll probably never see the great college tournaments of the 80s and 90s again, we can all still enjoy hours of liberal guilt just playing these games for fun with our friends.  Good luck, and good gaming!

Unfollow The Leader

leadershipOur society is absolutely bloated with useless people.  I don’t mean the scabby crack addict sitting on the curb begging for money.  (What the hell is “spare” change, anyway?)  No, it’s those half-educated persistent boors who have a degree in some nonsense like Leadership that I’m worried about.  They’re the ones who sat through years of university with nothing on their minds but a wool hat and now, a couple of years later, swear by all that’s holy they’re smart.  I’ve listened to these people — their natural habitat is either a meeting or a cocktail party. They’re a lotta things — but smart ain’t one of them.

Just to be clear, I’m only using Leadership as an example, and I’m not talking about every single person with an idiot degree like that; just the 99% who give the rest of them a bad name.

So, what kind of training and study does a person need to become a contemporary Napoleon?  I took a few minutes and googled Leadership Programs at several well known universities.  (They shall remain nameless to protect the guilty.)  These might not be the exact courses they offer, but they’re so close it’s scary.

Team Building — Using moronic games to fool adults into thinking they still get a recess.

Motivation and Discipline — Show the donkey your carrot, and if that doesn’t work, hit him with a stick.

Creating Charisma — Workable strategies when people think you’re an asshole.

Innovation — Changing stuff — because you can.

Utilizing Smart Goals — Somewhere, buried in the syllabus, Stupid Goals are just clawing to get out.

Fundamentals of Determination — I think I can!  I think I can!  I think I can!

Group Dynamics — Where to hide the annoying people so they’re not constantly pissing on everybody else’s enthusiasm.

Inspiration — Resurrecting the cheer leading squad from high school to Rah! Rah! a bunch of miserable people into believing they’re having fun.

Social Media and Self Branding — I never got passed the auto-erotic S&M part of this baby, but I think you’re supposed to do it on YouTube.

Speaking with Confidence and Authenticity — Sincerity is the key.  Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Execution — There was no course description for this one, but it was offered as 1101, 2101, and 3102, so the possibilities are endless.

And finally, Lateral Thinking — You’re never going to get ahead in this world unless you go sideways.

And that about sums it up.  We’ve created a whole layer of wannabe Julius Caesars, running back and forth across the battlefield, exhorting their imaginary legions.  They run endless meetings to “facilitate” and prowl boring parties to “connect” but in the end, they don’t actually accomplish anything.  And the problem is they won’t get out of the way.

A Greek Tragedy

acropolisI’ve got nothing against the Greeks.  After all, democracy is still one of the biggies and you can’t argue with Socrates, Aristotle and Plato.  Plus, there’s Herodotus, Pythagoras, Euripides, Archimedes etc. etc. etc. and Venus de Milo still has the best ass known to man.  Okay.  That said, there’s been a lotta sunshine on the Acropolis since Pericles and the boys were calling the shots in Europe.  These days, aside from Adrianna Huffington, nobody takes the Greeks seriously.  Why?  They don’t pay their bills.

I don’t care what your particular pet theory on the current Euro/Greek monetary fiasco is: call it First World waste, corporate banking greed, aliens, Elvis back from the dead — it doesn’t matter — nothing escapes Economics 101.  Here’s the deal.  Whine all you want about the evils of modern capitalism, it’s still just a pumped-up version of the barter system.  I work for you; you give me coloured paper.  I give the coloured paper to KFC; they give me chicken.  And on and on.  It’s that simple.  You can complicate it with mutual funds, venture capital, bonds, debentures, George Soros and Bill Gates, but at the end of the day, it comes down to coloured paper.  And if you don’t manage your coloured paper properly, you’re going to get screwed and some faceless banking vulture is going to drop by and pick your bones.  Don’t believe me?  Quit paying your credit card for a couple of months.  This has been our monetary system since before Diocles was counting his drachmas.  The thing that astounds me is the Greeks, who basically invented it, have now decided the system doesn’t apply to them.  They believe they can spend what they want, when they want, and somebody else should pick up the tab.  It’s kinda like they’re giving anyone who actually pays their bills the financial finger.

I wonder what Aesop would have made of this whole mess.  I’m certain that he would have come up with some kind of a tale.  Unfortunately, it’s been a lot of years since Greek thinking and innovation shaped the world.  Today, Aesop wouldn’t have a voice because Greece has become just another silly little country living on the kindness of strangers — and very pissed off with themselves because of it.