Yes, We Have No Vaginas!

monologueA couple of months ago, the students at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts decided to cancel the annual VDay performance of The Vagina Monologues.  Apparently, the play is now verboten because it excludes women who do not actually have a vagina.  Thus, in one mighty heave, a venerable old warrior of the feminist revolution was relegated to the scrap heap of history.  “Clear off, sister!  And don’t let the door hit you in the….”

My interest in this is purely intellectual.  After all, I’m not exactly equipped to speak with any authority on the subject.  However,  four glaring questions immediately come to mind:
1 — Did Eve Ensler ever present her drama as the all-inclusive, one-size-fits-all, final statement on the feminine experience?  I don’t think Ms. Ensler can be accused of excluding anyone when, unlike the undergrads at Mount Holyoke, she  never claimed to speak for the approximately 3.5 billion women in the world.
2 — Of the approximately 3.5 billion women in the world, how many:
a – are vagina-less?
b – feel excluded whenever  there’s a performance of The Vagina Monologues?
c – will reap any benefit from Mount Holyoke College’s noble gesture?
3 — Are all vagina-less women oppressed, downtrodden, discriminated against and excluded?  In fact, in the course of human events, how often does the problem even come up?  Personally, I’ve never seen a sign in a restaurant window that reads:

NO shoes
NO shirt
NO vagina
NO service

Nor have I ever seen  the question, “Do you have a vagina?” on any employment, rental or bank loan application.  In fact, of the billions of people walking around this planet, how do the would-be oppressors and discriminators even tell who has a vagina and who doesn’t?  Seriously, how can you possibly exclude an identifiable group when you can’t actually identify them?

And, finally,  4 — It takes a lotta balls for students at a $55,000.00/year WOMEN ONLY college to lecture the rest of us on the evils of being exclusive.

50 Shades of Mom Porn

grey1What brings a blogger out of retirement?  50 Shades of Grey, of course!  I’m just glad I lived long enough to witness Cineplex’s final capitulation to Mom Porn.  Mom Porn, for the uninitiated, is the Romantic Comedy all grown up.  It’s driven by aging fangirls who were utterly astounded to discover Prince Charming came with a penis.  Uncomfortable with the unpredictability of this male appendage (it’s forever pushing its way into sunsets, starry nights, rainy days and cuddles) they decided to sanitize it out of existence.  Thus, the raw erotic power of Count Dracula became the brooding sensitivity of Edward Cullen.  However, since Eddie never actually did anything more than hint at his insatiable desires, there was a throbbing need to “take the relationship to the next level.”  Enter Christian Grey and the Victorian erotic cliché:
— underneath that stylish three-piece suit, all men are unfathomable brutes who think with their dicks
— women are unaware (read innocent or unconscious)of their own sexuality and need instruction to unleash their inner vixen
— and finally, sex is “naughty”

Thus, in the uninhibited 21st Century, we have come full circle to join hands with our Victorian ancestors.  Although we boast wall-to-wall gratuitous HBO boobs, the juvenile practice of twerking  and song lyrics that would make de Sade blush, sex has once again become just a little bit smutty.  And now it’s gone from the titillating wardrobe malfunction and the infantile “nip slip” to occupy centre stage at the suburban multiplex.

I’m certain, there are still people out there who understand that sex is at once a powerful, vulnerable, funny, serious, messy, rejuvenating, confounding, uncontrollably intimate act of physical poetry that is the ultimate connection between our minds, our emotions and our souls.  Unfortunately, these people are, as of this Valentine’s Day (ironic isn’t it?) being marginalized by the thunderous mainstream who are ponying up big bucks to voyeur the sterilized antics of Christian and Ana.  Profits trump poetry, folks, so expect more of the same.

Mom Porn is the new black.  Get used to it.

Jack the Ripper: The Last Of His Kind

jackThe streets are cold in London in October, and the nights are long and empty. In November the rains come, with a chilly wind off the Thames River. Only the poor are out and about, searching for the few pennies they need to buy shelter and food. The people of Whitechapel held their breath and waited for the terror that walked among them. They didn’t wait long.

On November 9th, at about 11:45 pm, Mary Jane Kelly was very drunk and singing “Only a Violet I Plucked from my Mother’s Grave.” She was with a man, walking back to her room at #13 Miller’s Court. A witness described him as stout and shabbily dressed. At 1:00 am, Mary Jane was still singing but soon stopped. At approximately 2:30 am Kelly was seen on the street with another man (or the same one) going back to her room at #13. The witness, George Hutchison, claimed he had briefly talked to Kelly a couple of minutes earlier. At 3:00 am, Mary Ann Cox, a neighbour at #5, returned home and later testified there was no sound or light coming from Mary Kelly’s room. At approximately 10:45 the next morning, John McCarthy, the lodging-house keeper, sent his assistant Thomas Bowyer, to “Go to #13 and try and get some rent.” Bowyer knocked at the door, and when he didn’t get an answer, went round to the window and put his hand through the broken pane and pushed back the old coat that served as a curtain. Mary Jane Kelly was dead. She had literally been chopped to pieces, and according to the autopsy, “the heart was absent.”

In their briefest form, these are the tales of the five Jack the Ripper murders. There are hundreds more stories, facts and clues. There are eyewitness accounts, police records and detailed autopsy reports. There has been enough information collected over the last century to fuel a whole industry – Ripperology. There are literally hundreds of theories. There’s the Masonic Theory – some sort of cover-up by the police members of the Masonic order. There’s the Jewish Theory – a blood sacrifice from some demented sect. There’s Leather Apron, a butcher gone mad, and Doctor Ripper, an insane surgeon. There’s even a theory that there was no Jack the Ripper at all: her name was Jill, and she was a deranged midwife. Over the years, many prominent Victorians have been accused of being Jack the Ripper. Those theories have reached even into the royal family and convicted the Duke of Clarence, Queen Victoria’s grandson, second in line to the British throne. Each of these theories comes complete with a written article or book, claiming to solve the mystery. Each one carefully documents the evidence; each one builds its case, and each one comes to its own conclusion. But each one unravels far faster than it was ever put together. Why? Too many things don’t fit; too many things are odd. There are too many coincidences, and too many “facts” are in conflict with what we know to be true. There are just too many impossibilities.

Mary Ann Nichols and Annie Chapman were both killed and mutilated in less than 30 minutes — in the dark – and jack1Chapman was killed on a busy thoroughfare on a Market Day morning. Catherine Eddowes was killed and her kidney surgically removed in less than 15 minutes! – once again, in the dark. One murder under these circumstances is possible; two, maybe. But three go beyond the realm of belief. On September 30th, 1888, how did Jack the Ripper commit murder, travel some distance through tangled streets and alleys, commit murder again and escape both times – unseen? It’s possible, but highly unlikely. Each killing is possible individually, but taken together – five? In the open streets of Whitechapel? That’s pretty far-fetched — especially since, after the first murder of Mary Ann Nichols, the entire community was on alert, watching, including several vigilante groups.

The only murder that has any logical explanation is that of Mary Jane Kelly, who was killed in her room. But there is evidence that Mary Jane Kelly wasn’t even killed. Caroline Maxwell, of #14 Dorset, testified that she saw Mary Jane Kelly in front of Miller’s Court at 8:30 that morning and stopped and talked with her. Maxwell also testified that she saw Kelly again at 9:00 am, outside the Britannia Pub. Maurice Lewis testified that, at 10:00 am, he went into the Britannia Pub and saw Kelly inside, talking and drinking with some other people. These two independent testimonies cite the same pub; could two different people be so specific and so wrong? In another weird twist, Catherine Eddowes identified herself as Mary Jane Kelly when she left Bishopsgate police station. Why? Another coincidence? Perhaps, but how can there be so many? For example, all of the victims had sort of drifted into Whitechapel at around the same time. Nichols, Eddoes and Stride had all lived on Flower and Dean Street, within a few doors of each other. Their lives and habits were centered around Dorset, a short street off Commercial. They all frequented the Horn of Plenty and the Britannia Pubs and they all worked the streets of the area as prostitutes when they had to. Yet, there is no evidence that they even knew each other – although that doesn’t seem possible in a crowded, poor community. And there’s more, much more – including the Goulston Street graffiti and of course the letters. Each coincidence is possible, but, like the murders themselves, not all of them. The laws of anti-chance alone forbid it.

So, even with only our cursory examination we can come to the same conclusion that every Ripper investigator has come to since the murders themselves. Some hideous evil stalked the streets of Whitechapel, London in the autumn of 1888. It killed women and then it stopped killing them. That’s it. There is nothing else. The mountain of evidence is so strange and contradictory that we cannot glean anything further from it – except, perhaps, that the murders could not possibly have happened the way they did. The amount of coincidence, happenstance and odd occurrence strains even the willing suspension of disbelief. No fiction could have been written so wildly. And the monster that called himself Jack the Ripper will remain anonymous, forever lurking in the shadows of time and the cold dark soul of our 4 o’clock in the morning.

This is why we remember Jack the Ripper. He is the last resident of Evil. In our calm, clean, well-lighted world, we rehabilitate our criminals and sanitize our villains. We give them names and parents. We seek their motivation and try to understand their desperate minds. We hold them to be one of us, tricked, by the very society that condemns them, into performing hideous acts. Our world has no room for monsters, or fiends or the tortures of Hell. But Jack the Ripper defies us all by his very existence. In 2006, the BBC produced a documentary about Jack the Ripper. They used modern techniques of forensics, like geo-profiling and computer enhanced facial construction to reassess the 120-year-old crimes. They found that Jack the Ripper was an ordinary fellow who probably lived on Flower and Dean Street. He probably worked at a menial job and drank his gin at one of the pubs. They even produced a face. But Jack the Ripper will have none of this. He has no name, no family, no childhood, no face. No amount of empathy or good intentions can ever wash the blood from his hands. He alone still lives with the demons – and laughs — the last of his kind.