Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

Are We Stupid or What?

stupidSometimes I think we’re living in the stupidest time period of all history and if we get any stupider we’re going start eating each other.   And I’m not talking about ‘tell me the difference between fusion and fission” stupid; I’m talking about “stuck for an answer” stupid.  Personally, I don’t care.  The optimist in me says, “Saner heads will eventually prevail.”   However, I do wish we’d stop running around congratulating each other and finally admit that most of the people who are supposed to  know better never quite get their IQ above room temperature.  It would make it so much easier for regular people to function and get a few things done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand every human being has something to contribute to society.  However, where’s the law that says every contribution is a positive one?  Let me demonstrate.  Remember that group project you did in high school.  And remember that one jerk who did all the jawing but whose major contribution was wasting tons of time playing catch-up ‘cause mostly he didn’t bother to show up?  And didn’t you end up doing most of his work for him ‘cause you knew he wouldn’t get it done?  Wasn’t he the one who got the same B plus as you did?  Any of this ring a bell?  Now, broaden your outlook to the wider world.  Remember, that same jerk graduated when you did, and, believe me, his diploma wasn’t a magic talisman that changed his entire personality!  Look around you.  There are way more of them out there than there are of us.  Again, let me demonstrate.

It’s no secret that there’s a war going on in this world against women.  Look in any direction but north and women are getting stomped on, beaten up, raped, killed and incinerated.  Female teachers are being shot; female students are dodging bats, bullets and bags of acid just to go to school.  And whatever you do, stay off the buses.  In some parts of the world, women aren’t allowed to drive or even ride a bicycle.  Generally, that’s a moot point though, because in many places, they aren’t allowed out of the house without a male escort anyway — and in others they’re not allow out at all.  And here’s one for WTF logic: in more than one country, the penalty for rape is public stoning…to death…for the victim!

However, take a look at every “Women’s” magazine (paper or electronic) anywhere in the Western world, and what’s the top story?  (You don’t even have to guess.)  Right after “Get Organized, You Lazy Lump” and “How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed” – it’s Kim Kardashian’s New Year’s pregnancy dress.  Yep, Kimmie and Kanye are going to have a baby!  Stop the Internet: we’re going viral!  Frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is.  Did anybody really believe the King and Queen of Obnoxious could control themselves once they saw the Baby Making headlines Kate and William Windsor generated?  Besides, what did everybody think she and Kanye were doing — playing Scrabble™ (Words With Friends™ if you’re under 30?)

My point is when the smartest business couple since Brad and Angelina gostupid1 gunning for revenue at the bottom of the intellectual barrel, there’s got to be something to it.  These two have been harvesting coin of the realm out of the proletariat for years.  They know what they’re doing.  They realized that our society has a limited vision of the world, and they’ve carved their lucrative niche out of it.  They’ve marketed smut and anger (with a side order of drama) as if they were lowlife Happy Meals™ and made ga-millions of dollars doing it.  I’m certain that Kim and Kanye will skank off into the sunset like Paris and Nicole did before them.  However, until they do, their unquestioned celebrity is living proof that our society is on the verge of imploding under the weight of its own ignorance.

But what the hell do you expect from a world whose standard response to every statement from “Good morning.” to “Freddy Krueger just cut off my head with a chainsaw!” is “Awesome!”?

Happy New Year’s Resolutions

new yearIt’s January 1st, 2013, and for the last few days people have been asking me why I always make New Year’s Resolutions.  You have to understand I haven’t actually kept a New Year’s Resolution since the winter of ‘71/’72 when I resolved never to trust Linda what’s-her-name again.  I didn’t, she did and we both ended up spending Valentine’s Day separately toying with the idea of joining a nunnery – for different reasons, obviously.   Since then, it’s been a rapidly accelerating litany of make ‘em and break ‘em years that continues to this very day.  Even as we speak, I’ve already had a cigarette, done no abdominal crunches and eaten the last brownie.  All that’s left now is to have a beer with the Rose Bowl and hurl the F-bomb at the television set when Stanford loses.  However, even though my Resolution record is, at best, shoddy, New Year’s Resolutions are not simply an Express Bus to failure.  They have a deeper meaning.

New Year’s Resolutions are based on that one essential bit of information that none of us can deny.  We’re still here.  Despite the epic blundering of most politicians, the herculean efforts of do-gooders everywhere and the Ancient Mayans, we’re still standing.  Quite frankly, if you’re old enough to read this, you’ve already survived enough man made mayhem to scare the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse back into their box.  And that’s not including all the impending doom that the relentless media has been foisting on us ever since the American Midwest mistakenly decided Phil Donahue was a journalist.  In fact, in my lifetime, there hasn’t been five minutes that anybody but a Playboy Bunny would call peace and quiet.  Let’s face it, folks: we’re tough, and that alone should leave us awash in optimism.  After all, when we’ve been through what we’ve been through, what the hell else can they throw at us?

This is exactly what New Year’s Resolutions are: a tough guys’ look at the world.  They tell everybody that, despite rumours to the contrary, our world isn’t on the verge of collapse.  We believe we have enough time to make things better.  And despite what looks like overwhelming odds, we’re going to take the time and trouble to try.

This single stubborn optimism has led to all the marvels of human history.  Beethoven didn’t just jump out of bed one Tuesday and write the Fifth Symphony.  He plodded along for months, under the assumption he was going to have time to get it right.  Picasso would have never picked up a paint brush if he didn’t believe in his place in history.  He’d have spent his days in cheap Spanish tavernas, drinking wine and chasing women.  Why not?  There’s no future in striving for creative immortality if there’s no future to reward it.  Nor is there any reason to exercise, program the PVR or tell yourself you’re going to phone grandma more than once a year.  Why do any of the above if your modus operandi is one day at a time?

In the cold dark soul of 4 o’clock in the morning, we might not be optimistic, but we certainly believe in the future.  If we didn’t, we’d be sleeping like lowland gorillas — with nothing on our minds but a sloping forehead.

So admit it: even if you don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, you’re an optimist.  Why not just bite the bullet and make a few…privately?  See what happens.  You may be like me and screw them all up every year, but, at least, nobody can say you gave up without a fight.  Besides, you might be good at it, and this time next year (if the 2013 edition of the Mayans don’t get us) you could be kicked back, pulling in your belt a few notches, or trying to decide whether to spend the rest of the winter in Cancun or Maui.  You never know, but it doesn’t happen unless you try.

Merry Christmas, Everybody

Today is Christmas Eve, and here’s the deal.  If you believe in the Christian Nativity, that’s cool: you can quit reading and get on with it.  If you don’t, if you believe the religion of your grandparents was  a bunch of trash wrapped in Santa Claus paper and tied up with a pretty ribbon to sedate the masses, that’s cool too.  It doesn’t matter.  You see, the reason we have Christmas in the first place is so that people will quit bitchin’ at each other and maybe – just maybe — for one brief, shining moment, there will be Peace on Earth and Good Cheer and all the other stuff we hear in the songs.  And it doesn’t have to be all day; the twenty five minutes it takes to watch Charlie Brown is good enough or the nanosecond of recognition on your kid’s face when she realizes you bought her the iPhone.  We have 364 other days of the year to do each other dirties, so it’s good to take one day out and lighten up.  That’s the true meaning of Christmas and nobody expresses it better than Linus from Peanuts.

http://youtu.be/UZw06AbW6Vw