Category: Culture

Barbeque: The Last Macho

cavemanIt’s an unfortunate truth, but barbeque is the last allowable macho in North America.  It’s the one remaining place where any man still capable of gripping a pair of tongs can fulfill his genetic imperative without fear of pissing somebody off.   Ever since sensitive became the new orange, masculine has been fighting a losing battle for its very existence and the backyard barbeque is the Alamo.  It’s a sad commentary, but if the eulogy for the manly art of being a man ever comes, it’s going to be written in hotdogs and hamburger patties.  You’ve come a long way, buddy!

Personally, I’m not a barbeque kinda guy.  It almost makes me weep to see a beautiful cut of meat thrown into a crematorium, flipped around, pushed around and slathered with bottled brown something that looks and tasted like mesquite flavoured mud.  Cows aren’t exactly noble beasts, but they do deserve better than that.  Besides, trying to saw my way through shoe leather with a plastic knife, while balancing a paper plate that insists on sliding the potato salad into my crotch, is not my idea of a good time.  Give me tables, chairs, china and candlelight anytime.

However, barbeque isn’t actually about food.  It’s about the need men have to shape their environment, harness fire to do their bidding and manipulate tools.  It was born in the primeval when ability and accomplishment accounted for something — namely, survival.  Like it or not, a big part of how we got here depended on male strength and aggression that let our species eat better than the species who were trying to eat us.  And even though we no longer value linear thinking, for 40 some millennia, it served us well.

Today, in general, ordinary men don’t see that kind of action.  They watch it on television.  Male aggression is frowned upon, and the emotional strength which accompanies it is considered a debilitating weakness.  Vulnerability is the watchword—which, ironically, in the great pissing contest of history, would have got us all killed.

Thus, men, now useless for killing the food and dragging it home, have been relegated to the summer patio where, at least, they’re encouraged to cook it.  And they do this with all the masculine genetic programming at their disposal: secret strategies, methodical planning and specialized tools.  It’s amazing how the slightest sniff of barbeque coals can turn the most oh-so-sensitive man into a Cro-Magnon, brandishing his weapons and bragging on the quality of his feast.  “Me. Meat. You. Eat.”  And it’s perfectly acceptable because, here in the 21st century, it’s the only place left where ordinary men are allowed to be men.  It might not be the hunt, but it’s the next best thing.

The War On Skinny Jeans

skinny jeansThe attack headlines read, “Skinny Jeans May Cause Health Problems.”  Read about it here.  Puh-leeze!  This kind of fear mongering is not helping to advance the conversation we need to have about women’s clothing.  There are, however, several fashionista groups who continue to speak out and fight back.  Here are a few completely unprompted, absolutely spurious examples.

This is a direct attack on American values.  When you think about it, wearing skinny jeans honours the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to defend our right to wear tight clothes.  If we give in to this kind of terrorism, pretty soon we’ll all be wearing those loose-fitting burka things.
Meghan — Plumbottom, Wisconsin

I’m offended that the media continues to use the demeaning word “skinny.”  It’s encouraging to see that Walmart, eBay, Amazon and Google have changed their policies and are now using the more sensitive “slim-fit.”  However, more work needs to be done to educate the public about just how hurtful the “S-word” can be to women of slenderness.
Glenda — University of Donner Mountain, California

Historically, women’s fashions have always come under fire.  Way back in the 60s, women made a show of burning their bras in a misguided attempt at equality and research shows us that there were isolated anti-corset groups in the 19th century.  I’m certain this “skinny” thing will blow over and the ladies will get back to wearing attractive clothing again.
Dr. Trim Seekprey — Nobel Laureate

This is a nefarious attack on women by George W. Bush.  It’s a known fact that Dick Cheney sits on the Board of Directors of several multi-national yoga pants manufacturers who are taking advantage of this “so-called” health scare to sell yoga pants.  I’m disgusted that we live in a world that puts corporate greed and profits ahead of fashion.
Ruston Bland — ex-comedian

Our 12-year-old daughter was the victim of “skinny jean shaming” on Social Media.  Her father and I were so proud of her fashion choices until she came home from school in tears.  We contacted the principal and were informed there was nothing the school could do.  Apparently, posting an inflammatory news story on a child’s Facebook page is not considered a hate crime.  Ridiculous!  We need to regulate the Internet to protect vulnerable children from cyber-bullying.
Cary and Ann Umbridge — concerned parents #skinnyshame

There’s no scientific proof that “skinny” jeans have any effect on a woman’s body.  The measurable but insignificant changes in temperature and blood pressure should be attributed to a woman’s natural menstrual cycle.  No further research is necessary.
Report of the Strauss Scientific Group — San Francisco, California

In a time devastated by Third World poverty, disease and starvation, it’s easy for First World problems to fall through the cracks.  That doesn’t mean they’re any less serious.  We need to open a “slim-fit” dialogue that engages this issue honestly.  This is clearly about the human right to choose apparel that reflects how we identify ourselves within the entire human spectrum.  Awareness and tolerance can only be achieved if we silence those negative voices who are driving the agenda.
ThinksMart Activist Collective — Chicago

If you dig a little deeper you’ll find that there have been some major corporate contributions to the hospital where that woman was treated.  Plus, there’s a video on YouTube showing a woman, who is clearly Australian, walking into the hospital unaided.  Furthermore, one anonymous source says the only woman given intravenous drip that day was wearing Levi 505s.  Is it merely a coincidence that the hospital still refuses to identify her?  What do they have to hide?
DreadAxe War Anthem — Blogger

If “skinnies” are good enough for The Royals, they’re bloody good enough for me.
Denwin Yelbladder — Yobmouth, England

The Sounds Of Silence

uniformDespite the many hours we spend thumb pumping our phones like half-starved Rhesus monkeys, most human communication is nonverbal.  It runs from the universally recognized one and two fingered gestures that signal the end of an argument to the more subtle, eye roll that indicate open-ended ennui in teenagers.  But the way we walk, or stand or move our hands all say something about us, something that reaches into our primeval need to communicate. Here in the oh-so-sophisticated 21st century, we even use clothing, behaviour and appearance to “speak” to each other.  For example:

Driving a noisy black motor vehicle — means — I’m worried about my penis.

Driving a minivan with a stick figure family in the back window — means — I haven’t had sex since last March.

Driving anything with a bumper sticker — You need to know I think about things.

Dreadlocks on a white guy — Ha, ha, ha!  My grandparents left me a trust fund.

At least 3 tattoos (female) — I watch the Discovery Channel, so I’m spiritual.

At least 3 tattoos (male) — I have lots of disposable middle class income.

More than 3 tattoos (any gender) — Look at me!  Look at me!  LOOK AT ME!

Socks and sandals — I am a tourist.  Steal my stuff.

A low cut neckline and/or a push-up bra — These are my breasts … I will scold you if you notice them.

Bow tie — I’m actually cool … on the inside.

Hoodies — I might live in the suburbs and work at Home Depot, but I’m really a badass.

Hoodies (after age 30) — Uh … That’s just sad.

Shaved head — I’ll bet they’ll never guess I’m going bald.

Long, wiry grey hair (ponytail) — I have 283 Friends on Facebook.

Tight denim short shorts — Would you care to look at my bum today?

Cargo pants (shorts) — I wish I could carry a purse.

Full (Old Testament) beard — You might not know it, but I’m tons smarter than you are.

Short, trimmed beard — You might not know it, but I’m tons smarter than you are.

3 piece suit — I wish I were British.

Knitted cowl — I wish I were French.

Bulky black sweater — I wish someone would take me seriously.

Mom jeans — I’ve have two kids.  I’d like to see you under similar circumstances, bitch!

Torn jeans — I spend a lot of money on clothes … a lot of money!

Sunglasses — When you’re totally cool, it’s always a sunny day.

Yoga pants — For the love of God, we need to do something about those things!