Category: Humor

Game Of Thrones: What’s Next?

game-of-thrones

It’s been two weeks since the end of Game of Thrones, and people are still bitchin’ about it.  The problem is there are just too many unanswered questions.  For example, who paid off Cersei’s debt to the Iron Bank?  What was the conversation when Grey Worm and the Unsullied show up on the Isle of Naath – unannounced?  (“Who the hell are you guys?”)  And who was that Dornish-lookin’ dude at the High Council?  So, in the interests of a little closure, here are a few (somewhat plausible) scenarios that could happen after the credits rolled for the last time.  There are tons more, but seriously, does anybody have another nine years to invest in the soap opera that’s Westeros?  (D’uh!  Of course we do!)

The Dothraki – Suddenly unemployed (it’s not as if rape and pillage are marketable skills) the Dothraki are pretty much screwed.  A lot of them hitch a ride home on whatever ship will take them.  However, the ones that remain end up bitter old men, working in the stables shoveling horse poop for rich people or giving pony rides to bratty kids at Name Day parties.

Daenerys Targaryen – After Drogon carries Daenerys’ body away, he flies to Meereen and drops it at the feet of Daario Naharis.  Always the pragmatist, Daario summons Kinvara, Melisandre’s Red Priestess boss, and commands her (on pain of death) to bring Dany back to life.  After some argument (and a knife to the throat) she does.  Overjoyed, Daario hugs Daenerys, but she pushes him away screaming, “Where are my dragons?”  Realizing that the love of his life is batshit crazy, Daario builds the world’s first lunatic asylum and puts her away.  However, he commands all the guards and attendants (on pain of death) to maintain the charade that Dany is still Queen of the World and any day now, Jon Snow will show up and put her on the Iron Throne.  Eventually, Daenerys escapes, but by this time, she’s so looney tunes she thinks she can fly and jumps off the parapets of the Great Pyramid.  Daario breathes a sad sigh of relief and continues to rule the cities of Dragon’s Bay, wisely and well, for many years.  He dies quietly in his sleep.

Drogon – Since dragons live for millennia, after dropping Daenerys at Daario Naharis’ feet, Drogon spends the next several centuries getting ambushed by every wannabe tough guy trying to prove himself by “slaying the dragon.”  (This includes a much-mistold encounter with St. George.)  Finally, fed up with constantly looking over his shoulder and wanting a little peace and quiet in his retirement years, he moves to “a land called Honahlee” and changes his name to Puff.

Bran Stark – Absolutely useless as king, Bran spends most of his time flying around with his raven friends — just like he did during the Battle of Winterfell.  When called upon, he generally stares off into space and offers enigmatic instructions that nobody understands.  Invariably, all his best advisors get pissed off and quit, leaving the Six Kingdoms in the hands of the two drinking buddies, Tyrion and Bronn.  Bars, brothels and bingo halls thrive, and King’s Landing becomes a Vegas-style tourist destination for the rest of the world.

Davos Seaworth – After leaving the Small Council, Davos opens a school for illiterate sailors, called Sink or Spell.  It’s an incredible success, and soon there are franchises all over Westeros.  Davos becomes rich, buys Dragonstone, totally renovates the place and turns it into a retirement community for pirates, smugglers and other seafaring folk.

Samwell Tarly – After years of frustration, Sam also quits the Small Council (he wasn’t actually a maester, anyway.)  He moves Gilly and the kids to Castle Black, where he can be close to his only friend, Jon Snow, and pursue his passion for writing.  Away from worldly distractions, he produces a number of respected volumes, including Greyscale: Kill or Cure; Gendry Baratheon: The Man Who Should Be King; and his most famous work, The Girl with the Valyrian Dagger.

And finally:

Arya Stark – In her quest to find what was west of Westeros, Arya’s ship, the You Know Nothing (homage to her brother/cousin, Jon) sailed to the edge of the world.  Apparently, the Flat Westeros Society was right.  They narrowly escape falling into the abyss and, after a few mutinies, manage to make it back to land.  After that, Arya spends many years trying to jumpstart a series of business ventures (including forming a mercenary group called The Second Daughters) each one more unsuccessful than the last.  Reduced to living in abject poverty (with a serious ale habit) Arya’s life changes dramatically when Samwell Tarly’s biography of her, The Girl with the Valyrian Dagger, becomes a surprise bestseller.  She goes on the lecture circuit and earns a decent living, making personal appearances and selling autographs.  Unfortunately, her estate would miss out on the big money when the HBO miniseries, Arya, starring Jennifer Lawrence and Alex Baldwin (as the Winter King) is cancelled in preproduction and replaced by something called Game of Thrones.

The Art Of The Insult (2019)

insults

We are losing the art of the insult, and I, for one, will mourn its loss.  The problem is, in the 21st century, we’re under the delusion that tolerance is such an admirable quality that it takes precedence over everything else – up to and including common sense.  The result is we’re forced to publically accept all manner of idiot ideas and opinions — even though, inside our heads, we’re screaming WTF?  In a more civilized time, people were allowed to disagree with or even dislike all kinds of opinions and people without being branded a racist, a sexist, an alt-right extremist or the all-purpose “hater.”  But that’s what we do in the 21st century – like inarticulate school children — we call each other names.  It’s the best we got!  That’s why I mourn the loss of the insult.  Good insults take a high-velocity intelligence that we just don’t practice anymore, and like all language skills, it’s the canary in our society’s mineshaft.  Fortunately, it’s not over yet, and here are some examples of wonderful insults that demonstrate the high level of intelligence and skill it takes to call somebody a dumbass.  Enjoy!

I do desire we may be better strangers – William Shakespeare (As You Like It)

You are a sad little man, and you have my pity. – Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)

I’ve known sheep that could outwit you.  I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. – Wanda (A Fish Called Wanda)

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder

If you gave [him] an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. – Christopher Hitchens

He has delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

If I had a gun with two bullets and was locked in a room with Hitler, Jack the Ripper and you, I’d shoot you – twice.

He’s always lost in thought.  It’s unfamiliar territory

You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.

I have neither the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.

Whoever told you to “be yourself” gave you bad advice.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.

You’re so dense, light must bend around you.

He has a lot to be modest about.

But my favourite is:

He is simply a hole in the air. – George Orwell (The Lion and the Unicorn)

Stuff I Learned In The Hospital

medical

Recently, I spent a couple of days in a hospital.  Nothing serious: it was just for a series of tests.  FYI, “tests” is a medical term that means, “We haven’t got a clue what’s wrong with you, but we’re going to stick needles into you until you quit bitchin’ about it.”  Anyway, during my stay, I learned a few things about hospitals, and I feel obligated to pass them along so others can learn from my experience.

1 – Festinare Expectare.  This is Latin for “hurry up and wait.” It should be etched in stone over the entrance to every hospital on the planet.

2 – Everybody tells you to relax.  Hey, folks!  I can relax at a 5 star resort on the Mayan Riviera; I can relax binge-watching Netflix; I can relax soaking in a hot bath with a good book; but nobody can relax in a HOSPITAL!  It’s a HOSPITAL!  You’re stuck in a building with a bunch of disagreeable strangers, the beds are tough, the food is worse, they’ve taken away your clothes and there are people coming to stick sharp implements into you – relaxation is not actually an option.

3 – How do you feel?  Unless you’re in some obvious distress (that you can point to) like a gunshot wound or a broken bone poking through the skin, this is a trick question.  It’s impossible to translate any of the 1,001 aches and pains that can befall a human being into words that make sense.  Think about it!  What is a shooting pain? A burning pain?  How are they different?  When does an “ache” become a “throb?”  Which one is worse?  And it goes on and on.  Even Billy Shakespeare didn’t have the vocabulary to describe pain accurately.   Mere mortals, like you and I, haven’t got a hope.  Which brings us to:

4 – The Pain Scale of 1 to 10.  Whoever devised this comic opera was clearly an idiot.  They tell you that “10” is the “worst pain imaginable.”  I can imagine a lot.  For example, getting hit by a bus has got to be painful, but getting hit by a bus and being thrown into a power pole has got to be worse.  And getting hit by a bus and being thrown into a power pole that bursts into flames has got to be worse than that.  Suddenly, getting hit by a bus is only a “7,” and that could become a “6” if the reason you got hit by the bus is you tripped in the street and broke your ankle.  Here’s the deal.  The worst pain you can imagine is the pain that’s happening right now.  Anything else is mere speculation.

But the most important thing I learned about hospitals is:

5 – Nurses run the show.  Doctors my sashay in from time to time and hog the limelight, but down in the trenches, it’s the nurses who get things done.  If you want to survive in any hospital, suck up to the nurses.  They’re like medieval smugglers: they can get you stuff that ordinary people only dream about.

BTW – Apparently, a tiny percentage of men over 50 have a Vitamin B 12 deficiency: 48 hours and several jabs, pokes and prods later, it turns out I’m one of them.  No biggie.  A couple of dollars’ worth of over-the-counter vitamins, and the headaches are gone, my evil twin is back in his box and all’s well with the world.