I’m Offended!

These days, grievance is a growth industry.  For many people, being offended is the default setting on their lifestyle menu: they go there first and ask questions later.  This is a pain in the ass to the rest of us because the Eagerly Offended constantly demand centre stage, they won’t shut up and there’s no reasoning with those nimrods.  They want to be outraged.  So, since it’s practically impossible to beat ‘em, I’ve decided to join ‘em and be offended too – by clichés.

English is a beautiful language, and I’m shocked and appalled that people who wouldn’t recognize a simile if it bit them on the bum think it’s acceptable to toss around hackneyed phrases as if they were confetti at a gender reveal party.  There are millions of people all over the world who love and admire the English language, and the indiscriminate use of stale, worn-out and unimaginative vocabulary is very distressing and hurtful to them.  This is the 21st century — not the Age of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, for God’s sake!  We need to stand together to put an end to this linguistic appropriation and perhaps, moving forward, we can create a world free of lackluster analogies for our children to enjoy.  Here are just a few egregious examples to get the ball rolling.

I slept like a baby.

Talk to any sleep-deprived new parent and they will tell you that babies do not sleep well, at all.  They’re constantly waking up at all hours to either demand food or let you know, in no uncertain terms, they’ve turned it into something icky.

The expression should be – I slept like a single person who learned about birth control in middle school and, over the years, has become really, really good at it.

It was funny as Hell.

By definition, Hell is not the least bit humourous. 

The expression should be – It was as funny as the look on the loud-mouthed atheist’s face when Satan explained the Rules of Eternal Damnation.

Happy as a clam.

I have a strange feeling that happiness is not derived from getting dumped into a pot of boiling water and literally being cooked alive.

The expression should be – Happy as a fat person with a bowl full of empty clam shells.

They treated him like a dog.

Oh — they gave him free food, provided shelter, made sure he had clean water and exercise, paid for his schooling, personal grooming and health care?

The expression should be – They treated him like a human.

You’re only as old as you feel.

This only works on those particular days when you feel younger than you really are.  On all the other days, you’re pretty much screwed.

The expression should be – Everybody knows we’re all getting older; quit trying to do a chronological comb-over.

And finally:

Money isn’t everything.

Of course not.  There are all kinds of other things — like poverty, hunger, homelessness and deprivation.

The expression should be – Money isn’t everything, but it certainly is ahead of whatever’s in second place.

The Art Of The Insult (2019)

insults

We are losing the art of the insult, and I, for one, will mourn its loss.  The problem is, in the 21st century, we’re under the delusion that tolerance is such an admirable quality that it takes precedence over everything else – up to and including common sense.  The result is we’re forced to publically accept all manner of idiot ideas and opinions — even though, inside our heads, we’re screaming WTF?  In a more civilized time, people were allowed to disagree with or even dislike all kinds of opinions and people without being branded a racist, a sexist, an alt-right extremist or the all-purpose “hater.”  But that’s what we do in the 21st century – like inarticulate school children — we call each other names.  It’s the best we got!  That’s why I mourn the loss of the insult.  Good insults take a high-velocity intelligence that we just don’t practice anymore, and like all language skills, it’s the canary in our society’s mineshaft.  Fortunately, it’s not over yet, and here are some examples of wonderful insults that demonstrate the high level of intelligence and skill it takes to call somebody a dumbass.  Enjoy!

I do desire we may be better strangers – William Shakespeare (As You Like It)

You are a sad little man, and you have my pity. – Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)

I’ve known sheep that could outwit you.  I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. – Wanda (A Fish Called Wanda)

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder

If you gave [him] an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. – Christopher Hitchens

He has delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

If I had a gun with two bullets and was locked in a room with Hitler, Jack the Ripper and you, I’d shoot youtwice.

He’s always lost in thought.  It’s unfamiliar territory

You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.

I have neither the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.

Whoever told you to “be yourself” gave you bad advice.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.

You’re so dense, light must bend around you.

He has a lot to be modest about.

But my favourite is:

He is simply a hole in the air. – George Orwell (The Lion and the Unicorn)

Proverbs — The Remix

wise words

Old people are always making up stupid stuff to tell young people how to live their lives.  (Yeah?  If you’re so smart, how come ya got old?)  These “wise” old sayings used to show up on kitchen plaques and bumper stickers, but now they crawl around Facebook like ants at a picnic.  Most of them were thought up hundreds of years ago, when people had nothing to do but sit around and actually talk to each other.  Those days are gone.  So, as a public service, here’s a remix of just a few of these geriatric proverbs to reflect real life in the 21st century.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a credit card.

If you can change just one person’s life … that really isn’t good enough, is it?

You can’t tell a book by its … book?  Book?  What’s a book?

Beauty is only skin deep.  Is that “beauty shaming?”  “That might be “beauty shaming?”  Do you think that’s “beauty shaming?”

The meek shall inherit the Earth — until some ratbag lawyer decides to contest the will.
(This is not a comment about any particular ratbag lawyer, so forget about suing me!)

Cheaters never prosper.  They just win elections.

If at first you don’t succeed … there’s an App for that.

He who hesitates doesn’t have a Twitter account.

Money isn’t everything, but it’s sure as hell ahead of whatever’s in second place.

Do unto others — cuz eventually they’re going to show up and do unto you.

The early bird catches the worm.  But nobody ever thinks about the early worm.  What about the early worm?  WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE EARLY WORM?

History repeats itself.  Cool!  I’m totally getting a dinosaur.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names – now, that’s the real problem.  They can cause deep psychological issues that last for decades.  We need to have trigger warnings on names.

The pen is mightier than the sword.  This is a joke, right?

Never put off ‘til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow – or next week, or sometime in the near future, or ….

No news is – uh – well, at least it’s not fake news.

The road to hell is paved.  That’s why so many people go that way.

Seeing is believing — unless your friends have Photoshop.

When the going gets tough, most people wander away and watch Netflix.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Out of sight out of mind.  Uh . . . I’m confused.

And finally:

What doesn’t kill you can put you in intensive care for six months where you become addicted to painkillers.  Then, when you get out of the hospital, you spend all your money on illegal drugs, lose your job, your house and your wife leaves you.  Finally, you end up living on the street, eating out of garbage cans and selling your body to buy crack.  But, wow, are you ever strong!