Category: Humor

2016 SUCKS, but…

new-years-2016

Let’s face it: 2016 was a crap year!  Tons of cool people died.  Evil bastards all over the world made a point of putting the dick back in dictator.  There was war, disease, famine, pestilence — you name it; we had it — and Ben Affleck was Batman!  Personally, this year can’t end fast enough.  However, I am an optimist, so let’s take a look at a few good things that happened in 2016.

1 — The millennials are now one year closer to getting run over by the reality train.

2 — We finally got rid of Alex Rodriguez.

3 — We have at least three more genders to fit into public toilets.

4 — It’s been 12 months since we’ve  heard from Charlie Sheen, Shia LaBeouf, Al Gore, that monumental jerk Letterman and What’s-Her-Name, the stupid blonde chick.

5 — French thieves.

6 — Gawker went broke.

7 — After 41 years of confusion, the British discovered they weren’t European, after all.

8 — The media finally confessed and admitted that half the stuff they’re calling news is actually just make-believe.

9 — The Cubs won the World Series, and Bob Dylan got the Nobel Prize for Literature.  (There’s no way 2017 can be any weirder than that.)

And finally, but most importantly:

10 — Politically Correct got an incredible kick in the cojones when reality TV star Donald Trump didn’t kowtow to those social media bullies.  The PC Reign of Terror might not be over, but every blow struck against those Intellectual Nazis is important.

BTW, you know what kind of year it’s been when a guy like me is congratulating Donald Trump for anything.

 

Christmas and the iThing

We interrupt this blog to bring you an important breaking story.

ithing

In a surprise marketing move, at least 3 gigantic electronics companies have introduced the same new consumer product — just in time for Christmas.  The Incredibly Useless Thing was introduced simultaneously at retail outlets around the world today.  The product sold out within hours.  Immediately dubbed the iThing by every unimaginative journalist in the universe, the device has sent computer geeks everywhere scurrying back to their mothers’ basements to try it out.  According to industry spokesperson, Dakota Nebraska, the iThing comes with twice as many mega-pixels and enough speed and memory to launch the Mars Rover from your kitchen.

“We’re calling the iThing the next generation of useless electronic device.” Nebraska said. “The iThing is totally wireless, you can recharge it with the steam off your pee and battery life, with continuous use, is approximately 12 minutes.”  Nebraska Dakota went on to say, “There are already 80 million Apps available for the iThing, and even though they all fundamentally do the same thing, the iThing does come pre-programmed with some awesome coloured lights that go off and on and a variety of unusual sounds.”

The iThing uses the new Inutile Operating System, which is no different from all the other operating systems on the planet except it’s not compatible with any of the electronic crap you already own — including your toaster.  It’s unnecessarily complicated, and the Interactive Help Menu is no help whatsoever.  However, all three gigantic electronic companies are offering 24/7 tech support which is exclusively accessible from the iThing itself.  In other words, say your prayers, cuz the coyote’s got a better chance of catching the road runner than you have of ever figuring this thing out!

In a candid, off the record, interview, one techno-drone said,  “We’ve changed all the names and placement of every function on the menu — just to screw with ya.  We’ve added a Tool Bar that doesn’t do anything, and if you press “Back Slash, Gallery, Back Slash, Cap Lock,” Facebook automatically enrolls all your friends in eHarmony.  And we’ve done a bunch of other stuff, too, but why should I tell you?  You thought you were so cool in high school — with your cars and your cheerleaders.  Well, who’s laughin’ now, Braaadley?  Who’s laughin’ now?”

Initially, the iThing will be offered in two models: the cheap one you see advertised (which is under- powered and worthless) and the outrageously expensive one (which the pirates who made the device know you are going to have to buy eventually, anyway.)  However, some electronic companies are taking a bold, new retail approach.  “We don’t care about the iThing itself,” they say. “It’s free.  We’ll give you the damn thing for nothing, as long as you sign a 5-year contract of penal servitude so we can charge you for every nanosecond it operates — from the minute you turn it on.”

There have already been protests about the predatory pricing of the iThing.  A fake YouTube commercial, showing the iThing exploding, has already been emailed to everyone on the planet, and a Facebook group called “iThing Sucks” has attracted several million members.  Retailers have responded to the criticism by saying, “Big deal! A bunch of kids and old people have clicked a button on Facebook.  So what?  We’re sold out already, anyway.”

Dakota Nebraska, spokesperson for the three gigantic electronic companies, also responded by saying, “There has been some criticism, but the retail numbers speak for themselves.  This is not a manufactured shortage.  Our customers are saying they want the iThing.  Look at the unholy prices people are getting, reselling it on eBay!  But we’re all about families here at Big Electronics, and we want parents and grandparents to have something for their loved ones during the Holidays, so we’re offering an opportunity to pre-purchase the next shipment of iThings.  Your purchase comes with a numbered gift card which you can use to track your iThing through the entire manufacturing and distribution process.”  However, Nebraska Dakota also admitted that there was already a new and improved model, the iThing 2.0, in production — with tons more memory, better resolution, and a cheaper price tag — which should be in retail outlets on April 1st, 2017.

We now return you to WD’s regular blog.

 

The Two Cow Theory Of Economics

cows-5Apparently, the Two Cow Theory Of Economics has been running around Cyperspace for years.  Who knew?  I just found it, which shows I’m so far out of the loop I think it’s square.  Anyway, I don’t normally post stuff that isn’t mine on my blog — especially when I can’t give the author credit — but this is so hilarious I’ve made an exception.  Plus, I’ve added a few WDisms, so I don’t feel too guilty.  Anyway, The Two Cow Theory of Economics

Communism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them and gives you some milk.

Socialism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them, gives one back and gives one to your neighbour who, like you, had two cows until the state took both of them gave one back and gave the other one to his neighbour — who, like you, had two cows until the state ….

Fascism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them and sells you some milk.

Nazism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them for war production and shoots you for withholding cows.

Bureaucratism — You have two cows.  The state takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

Capitalism — You have two cows.  You sell one cow and buy a bull.  Your herd grows.  You start selling milk.  You buy more cows.  You build a dairy.  You sell more milk.  You buy more cows.  You spend so much time with cows and milk your wife divorces you, takes the kids and moves in with a vegetarian.  You end up with a trophy wife who’s in it for the money, an ulcer the size of Boston and a therapist who tells you, “You were happier when you only had two cows.”

Venture Capitalism — You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.  You execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so you can get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred (via an intermediary) to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by a majority shareholder (you) who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your publicly-listed company.  Your annual report says the company now owns eight cows with an option to buy one more.

A French Corporation — You have two cows.  The state pays you twice as much as the milk is worth.  You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads — because you want three cows.

An Italian Corporation — You have two cows.  You don’t know where they are.  You decide to have lunch.

A Swiss Corporation — You have 5,000 cows.  None of them belongs to you.  You charge the real owners megabucks to hide their cows for them.

An American Corporation — You have two cows.  You sell both of them to buy a 4-wheel drive, Japanese-made pickup truck.  You get totally pissed because you have to buy all your milk from a foreign country.  You hire an Agricultural Consultant to figure out why there are no jobs in the dairy industry.

An Indian Corporation — You are the reincarnation of a cow.

An Irish Corporation — You have two cows.  One of them is a horse.  The EU lends you enough money to buy another cow.  You bet it on the horse.

A George Orwell Corporation — You have two humans.

An Australian Corporation — You have two cows.  Business looks good, so you close the office for a month or two and backpack through Europe.

A Dutch Corporation — You have two cows.  However, you’re not allowed to make cheese or sell your milk because the EU doesn’t like the look of your barn.

An Iraqi Corporation — Everybody thinks you have a lot of cows.  You tell them that you don’t have any cows.  Nobody believes you and they bomb the crap out of you.  You still don’t have any cows.

A Cuban Corporation — Cows?

A British Corporation — You have two cows.  Unfortunately, half your cows are continually voting to leave the herd.

A Greek Corporation — French and German banks loan you two cows.  You eat them.  The banks call to collect the milk you promised, but you don’t have any so you call the IMF.  The IMF loans you two cows.  You eat them.  Everybody wants either the milk you promised or their cows back.  You don’t answer the telephone ’cause you’re at a wedding.

A North Korean Corporation — The Glorious Leader has all the cows.  He invented them.

And my very favourite:

A Chinese Corporation — You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them.  You claim China has no unemployment and 100% bovine productivity.  You arrest all the journalists who live close to the farm.