Elsa & Jack — Power Couple

Last week (with a semi-surprise trailer) the Disney Corp announced it has made a second movie in the Frozen franchise.  Called Frozen Forever, it’s a short film that will be paired with Disney’s live-action Cinderella, set to premiere on March 13th.  Have the marketing geniuses at Disney struck again?  Sure, Frozen Forever will put tons of bums in the seats for Cinderella.  And it’s an incredible lead-in to Frozen II, probably secretly scheduled for Christmas 2016.  Plus, without even trying, “Let It Go” will continue to dominate middle school playgrounds around the globe.  But, damn it, Disney!  You screwed up — big time!  This is the movie everybody wants to see:

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This would establish Elsa and Jack as Hollywood’s newest power couple and would kick Kim and Kanye into the ditch they so richly deserve.

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And if Disney did it right, even the Brangelina brand would be watching its back!

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Lies, Lies and 7 More Lies

langara 1Somebody (Hitler? Goebbels? Lenin? Trotsky?) once said, “If you tell a big enough lie loud enough and long enough people will eventually believe it.”  It’s terribly ironic that, in the Age of Information, there are quite a few of those kind of “truths” kicking around, and a lot of what we call common knowledge is just a load of crap.  Here are nine glaring examples:

1 – Einstein did NOT fail high school math.  Think about this for a minute!  The guy was a genius who E=MC2-ed himself to the top of the intellectual ladder, along with Newton, Copernicus and da Vinci.  What are the chances he had trouble with Grade 10 algebra?  Besides, the records show that he skipped most of what we would call high school, anyway.

2 – You can NOT see the Great Wall of China from space.  Here’s the deal.  Yes, the Great Wall is absolutely huge.  Yes, it’s the largest man-made structure on earth, and yes, it runs for thousands of kilometres, but — surprise — it’s less than 4 metres (12 feet) wide.  Your house is probably wider.  Looking down from space, the Great Wall of China is invisible — just like your house.

3 – You do NOT use only 10% of your brain.  The truth is, even with all our advanced technology, we know so little about the brain’s function that nobody knows how much of our brain’s capacity we actually use.  However, given some people I’ve worked with, 10% might be wildly optimistic.

4 – Coca-Cola™ does NOT dissolve teeth.  Folks, they use dental work to identify bodies that have been lying around for centuries.  Every museum on Earth has at least one set of Cro-Magnon chompers.  The corrosive elements that Mother Nature can throw at the human body make Coca-Cola look like a bubble bath.  This is just another Coke™ myth that circles our planet once a generation.

5 – Undercover cops do NOT have to tell you they’re police.  Police, undercover or otherwise, cannot entrap you into committing a crime, but they are under no legal obligation to identify themselves before you commit that crime on your own.  Use your head!  If undercover cops had to tell you they’re cops, it would kinda defeat the whole purpose of “undercover,” now, wouldn’t it?

6 – Jedi is NOT a recognized religion anywhere in the world.  Despite the best efforts of literally millions of Star Wars nerds, no national or international body outside a few fans clubs views Jedi as an organized religion.  The word is you can claim to be a Jedi on your income tax form and reap all the religious benefit and advantages.  You can’t.  Don’t believe me?  Try it!

7 – There are NOT more people alive today than have ever lived in all of history.  Do the math!  Even using the ten millennia of recorded history, fifty generations a millennium and the current reproductive rate of 23 per thousand (for most of history, it was closer to 80) the result is somewhere in the neighbourhood of 100 billion people.  Even counting all the lost Australian backpackers, at 7 billion, this generation isn’t even close.

8 – Mr Rogers was NOT a Navy Seal sniper in Vietnam.  Quit saying that!  There is absolutely no evidence that Fred Rogers served in the military, nor even that he ever left the continental United States — although there’s an e-rumor that he went to Maui once, on vacation.

9 – You do NOT eat 7, 9, 12 or 16 spiders every night in your sleep.  Spiders prefer dry, still, quiet places where they can spin a web and catch themselves some breakfast.  Occasionally, maybe, a single spider might venture across your bed, but, unless they’re unusually stupid, the inhale/exhale of breathing air would scare them off.  I’m sure this lie gets retold so much because it’s a guaranteed gross out to even think about it.

And The Oscar Goes To……WTF!

oscarsThe Academy Awards are over for another year.  What a joke!   The one bright spot was Neil Patrick Harris and he’s still getting pummelled across Social Media.  Quite frankly, at 87, Oscar is showing his age.  It’s like going to visit your aunt at the Seniors’ Centre and discovering it’s Crafts Night.  Suddenly, you’re up to your ass in hideous homemade crap, and you’ve got to figure out something nice to say.  This year’s Academy Awards were as big a disappointment as they have been for the last decade, but  then Oscar has always been a bit dotty.  (Remember: Ben Affleck has gotten the statue — twice!)  Here are just a few of the Academy’s major malfunctions.

Actors/Actresses
Richard Burton, Montgomery Clift, Leonardo Dicaprio and Edward Norton have never won an Oscar.
Greta Garbo, Ava Gardner, Sigourney Weaver and Annette Bening haven’t, either.
Peter O’Toole — who played Lawrence of Arabia, Henry II (twice) Mr. Chips and Maurice Russell — wasn’t good enough to get an Oscar, and neither is Glenn Close, Dangerous Liaisons and Fatal Attraction, notwithstanding.
Alan Rickman, Isabella Rossellini and Donald Sutherland have never even been nominated!

Films
Crash beat out Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture in 2005
Sylvester Stallone’s  Rocky won over Taxi Driver in 1976
In 1955, Marty wiped the floor with East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause, probably because neither of them was even nominated.
And, in what can only be called the biggest WTF moment in cinematic history, How Green Was My Valley beat Citizen Kane for Best Picture in 1941.

Directors
Stanley Kubrick never won an Oscar, and, so far, neither has Ridley Scott.

However, for my money, the thing that Oscar and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science will never live down is screwing Alfred Hitchcock over for 40 years.  Yeah, they gave him the Irving G Thalberg Memorial  in 1968 — but big deal — it isn’t actually an Oscar.  Hitchcock knew it, too.  His entire acceptance speech was “Thank you…very much indeed.” and then he walked out.  Well played, Alfred.  Well played!