Category: Humor

Ten “Unanswerable” Questions

tenInternet search engines Ask and, in Britain, Ask Jeeves have compiled a top 10 List of “unanswerable” questions.  Apparently this list is based on over a billion queries made on the site since it started in 2000.  What a joke!  These questions are totally answerable.  In fact, they’re easy.  Easy Peasy!  Try it!  First the questions, then the questions with the answers.  Don’t cheat.

Top 10 “UNANSWERABLE” questions.

1. What is the meaning of life?

2. Is there a God?

3. Do blondes have more fun?

4. What is the best diet?

5. Is there anybody out there?

6. Who is the most famous person in the world?

7. What is love?

8. What is the secret to happiness?

9. Did Tony Soprano die?

10. How long will I live?

Now the answers:

1. What is the meaning of life?

There is no meaning.  Human beings are just techno-termites, toiling away at our structures, whether they be monster buildings in China and Vegas or virtual agriculture in Farmville and Pioneer Trail.

2. Is there a God?

Of course!  Do you really believe people like Glenn Beck and Lindsay Lohan are the result of millions of years of natural selection?

3. Do blondes have more fun?ten1

Only the women, even though the real ones all seem to hate it.  Guys who are blonde are miserable and spend their time in California flexing their pecs and waiting for that big earthquake to clean them off the planet.

4. What is the best diet?

Are you kidding?  The Mediterranean Diet – tons of salad and bread, 600 kinds of pasta, 300 kinds of sauce, every cheese known to human race including pamasano and if that isn’t good enough for ya there’s tons of pizza and a bottomless wine bottle and – oh yeah – you get gelato at the end of it all and a shot of Limoncino.  Like Jenny Craig can compete with that

5. Is there anybody out there?

There are billions of galaxies in the universe, each one of them has billions of stars and each one of them has at least four or five planets revolving around them.  Do the math and that’s several billion3, a number so big even Stephen Hawkings doesn’t understand it.  Furthermore, since the universe is billions of years old it’s a virtual certainty that something came crawling out of the primeval ooze somewhere (even by accident) and evolved into intelligent life.  Therefore, yes, there is definitely somebody out there.  However, the Area 51/Roswell/Alien autopsy/U.F.O. Conspiracy folks are still idiots because the real unanswerable question is: why would any intelligent life, capable of intergalactic travel, journey several light years through directionless space to visit Dawna and Eddie in a trailer park in Nevada?   Especially since, the Dawna and Eddies of this world seldom remember to charge the batteries in their cameras and can’t figure out how to focus them when they do.

6. Who is the most famous person in the world?

Sorry, Kim and Kanye.  It’s Elvis

7. What is love?

It’s that delicious ache in the very pit of your stomach — often mistaken for lust.

8. What is the secret to happiness?

Sex and warm socks

9. Did Tony Soprano die?

Yes, but what most people don’t know is that Meadow takes over the family (ala Annalisa Zucca, the Italian crime boss from Napoli in Season Two.)  She tells Patrick Parisi to take a hike and brings Furio Giunta out of hiding in Italy to help her run the show.  She locks up her little brother in an extended care facility in New Mexico and then takes over what’s left of Phil Leotardo’s organization.

10. How long will I live?

Right up until the time you see that light at the end of the tunnel — or a couple seconds after you say, “Dude, hold my beer and watch this!” — whichever comes first.

Comic Relief By Remote Control

remoteA certain acceptance comes with age.  As you get older, you realize that the world is not going to change that radically between now and the time The Grim Reaper takes your pulse.  Walmart is going to remain the mighty retail monolith it’s always been.   McDonald’s will sell more burgers than Africa has cows — despite the interesting fact that no one you know has ever eaten there.  And Microsoft, Google and Apple are going to continue to rule the world in an unholy triumvirate worthy of Octavian, Mark Antony and Lepidus.  However, just because you’ve accepted the inevitable doesn’t mean certain things don’t continue to drive you nuts.  Our world is loaded with stuff that simply doesn’t make any sense beyond material for a stand-up comedy routine.  For example, go to any store in the country and you’ll find the two-fisted gigantic bottle of Coke™ sells for 99 cents, the smaller (smaller!) bottle costs $1.50 and the bottle of water (that beverage you can get free out of any garden hose.) is $1.89.  Just let that sink in for a moment.  It makes you wonder what Dasani actually means — you just got robbed?

However, the single most ridiculous thing in our world that sends me loopy every time I think about it is the remote control.  This is the point and click device that revolutionized our society.  It changed us from a vigorous, dynamic people into lazy swine with the attention span of a hummingbird without its Ritalin.  It does everything but deliver the potato chips and chew them for us.  I swear, if you knew the correct sequence and pointed it at NASA, you could launch the Mars Rover.  I (the original techno-moron) have recorded Games of Thrones in my living room while lounging through Spaghetti alla Vongolese and a bottle of Amalfi Red (I had to fight to get that combination) on a rooftop in Rome.  It is the most important item, aside from the coffee pot, in any household.  So why, by all that’s holy, is every single one of those little bastards different?

We live in a homogenized world.  If, while you were sleeping, you were magically transported to a shopping mall in darkest Bavaria, when you opened your eyes, aside from The Gotterdammerung music playing in The Food Court, you would have no idea where you were.  You could be anywhere from Indonesia to Eau Claire, Wisconsin.  The utter sameness of most of our planet is worthy of Groundhog Day.  Yet, when your Blu-Ray player finally hits the wall of planned obsolescence and you have to buy a new one, you’re about to enter the undiscovered country.  You’re reduced to re-inventing the 21st century wheel becauseremote1 the brains of the operation, the remote, has changed its shape, its size, its colour and rearranged all of its buttons.  The first time you use it, you think you’ve paused Breaking Bad: the Teenage Years to go for the Orville Redenbacher’s and suddenly you’re recording a 24 hour marathon of Everybody Loves Friends, in HD, on a channel you haven’t even paid for – yet.  So, you start pushing buttons like a Rhesus monkey finding the food pellet in a primate behavioural study.  Six clicks later, you’ve selected the adult classic, Boob Chaser III, which Channel 531 casually informs you, has been “shared” with your Facebook friends.  “Thank you for choosing Pay Per View!”

And it’s no use trying to beat the system with one of those Universal control-everything-but-the-toaster jobbers.  That’s just madness.  First of all, you need an advanced understanding of the Da Vinci Code just to turn one of those babies on, and, more importantly, nothing less than a degree in binary engineering from M.I.T. is going to make them work.  By the end of the first hour, you’ve screwed up the set-up so badly the instructions are now in Hebrew and the one channel available for your viewing pleasure is The Weather Network from McMurdo Station, Antarctica.  Finally — $19.95 plus tax, poorer — you give up and go back to fighting with the original villain that came in the box.

I know that, in fifteen minutes any twelve-year-old can reconfigure my system so she can run it off the microwave, for God’s sake.  It’s not that technology is all that smart; it’s just that it’s smarter than me.  However, I don’t understand why, when all technology is basically the same, every piece of equipment is so utterly different from the last one that you need to channel Thomas Edison to figure it out.  I can’t be the only guy on this planet old enough to remember Ronald Reagan.  What’s wrong with one size fits all?

We have cars that can parallel park themselves, murderous drones that search and destroy across the wilds of Pakistan from a Wii™ system in Wiesbaden; we’re on the verge of creating electronic nanobots that literally eat disease.  Yet, when I want to watch an old episode of Arrested Development on Netflix, I still need six (different) little boxes to do it.  If this isn’t Comedy Central, I don’t know what is!remotes1

Gay Marriage — and Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?

gay2It’s all very complicated, but, at the far end of the rhetoric, what it boils down to is this: last week the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that California’s — and every other states’ — attempt to ban gay marriage is unconstitutional.  For those of you (like me) who can’t keep track of the nuances of American law, SCOTUS didn’t rule that gay marriage is constitutional; it ruled that banning it isn’t.  Splitting hairs, I’ll grant you, but that’s what lawyers do.  Either way, this week, despite dire warnings, the sun still rose in the east, God’s in his heaven, George Takei hasn’t … well, you get the idea.

Since I’m not particularly gay, the whole on-again/off-again marriage debate leaves me cold.  If anything, I think the gay end of the rainbow gets an awful lot of media ink considering they’re one of the minor minorities in our society.  Frankly, we have more people with gingivitis.  However, on a more personal note, if gay marriage does catch on, I’m totally watching Gay Divorce Court.

Anyway, since the US government has decided to stay the hell of the bedrooms of America, opponents of gay marriage have turned to the church to sanctify their opposition.  This is an old ploy which hasn’t held much water since Clarence Darrow beat up William Jennings Bryan in Dayton, Tennessee in 1925.

However, in that vein, a couple of friends of mine sent me this email, which apparently has been kicking around the Internet for a few years now.  I haven’t checked it for accuracy and take no responsibility for mistakes.  It should be noted that my friends are Catholic and haven’t really cared what the Supreme Court had to say for itself for over thirty years.  (BTW, I don’t plan to turn this blog into a repost emporium, but I just couldn’t resist.)

Here’s the email.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, [she believes] homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US resident, and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try togay1 share that knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9.  The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don’t agree.  Can you settle this?  Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman,

Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,

Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education

University of Virginia

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)