Category: Humour

A Few More Activities

activities

It’s May.  The days are getting longer.  OMG, the days are getting longer!  We’ve been running out of things to do since half-past April, and now we’ve got more sunlight to cope with.  God, it’s like news of fresh disasters!  Not to worry, though.  Here are a few activities that will take the sting out of self-isolation.  Enjoy!

Collect all the plastic food containers in your house and spread them out on the floor.  Now, one by one, try to match each container with a lid that fits.  For extra fun, before you start, guess how many lids you’re going to have left over.

Dial random numbers on your telephone.  Since the entire world is in some kind of lockdown, chances are good whoever you call will be home, and they might appreciate the opportunity to make a new friend – or not.  Try to guess which it will be before you call.  However, be careful with the time difference: people tend to be grouchy when you wake them up in the middle of the night just to say hi, and that will upset your results.

Teach yourself how to fold a fitted sheet.  (No cheating with YouTube.)  Fitted sheets are the Rubik’s Cube of bed linen and will provide hours of entertainment before you finally figure it out – if ever.

Pretend you’re a spy and, with a grocery receipt and various food items, try to decode the Bar Code.

Write a letter to your unborn granddaughter, explaining what a bra was.

Find the box of useless souvenirs that’s been in the closet for years.  Identify each one and mail it back to the place of origin with a thank you note.  It’s not like the folks at The Louvre have anything to do these days, and they might be grateful to hear you haven’t forgotten them.  Plus, they can resell the item.  Surely somebody else would love to have a plastic Venus de Milo with a clock in her belly.

Turn off the Internet.  Wait as long as you can possibly stand it.  Try to access Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.  Feel that nanosecond surge of panic when the “Internet cannot be found” message comes on the screen.  Then turn the Internet back on and feel the euphoric relief.  Try it!  It’s kinda like bungee jumping inside your own head.

Check the lyrics on all those great old songs you’ve kinda/sorta forgotten the words to.  Print them out, and while you’re washing your hands, mumble the chorus and then sing the verses really loud.  It will be a whole new thing for you.

Adopt an ungrateful celebrity and explain to them how the real world works.  That should take a while.

And finally:

Try to figure out which Covid-19 conspiracy theory is the most batshit crazy.  You can start with how the 5G network spreads Covid-19 or – no!  wait! – even better! – how this whole thing was caused by some teenagers in Iowa playing Jumanji.

Guidelines For Covid-19

guidelines

Somewhere around 6 billion people on this planet are fed up with Covid-19!  Frankly, if this virus was a person, they’d be getting more hate than Hitler.  It some places, people are just saying “I’ve had enough!” and going back to the wicked ways that got us into this mess.  Okay, you don’t get geniuses on every street corner, but I think the biggest problem is nobody knows how to act now that normal isn’t normal anymore.  So, in the interests of doing my part to end Isolation Hell, here are a few guidelines to follow as you unleash your inner introvert.

Disclaimer – This is satire, folks.  Yes, I realize this pandemic is serious, and there’s no need to remind me with caustic emails.

Food and Drink

1 – Stress eating can be a challenge.  A reasonable weight gain in lockdown is 11 pounds or 5 kilos per month.  Once you hit that milestone, the future depends on the strength of the elastic in your underwear.

2 – Red wine does not go with Oatmeal, Granola, Raisin Bran or Cheerios.  However, a splash of white can get you set up for the day.

3 – Buy healthy snacks and be creative.  For example, you can deep fry anything, and rice cakes aren’t that bad if you dip them in enough chocolate.

Entertainment

4 – Nobody, in two lifetimes, can watch everything on Netflix, so don’t whine that there’s nothing on TV.  Yes, you may be forced to watch Rampage, but we all have to make sacrifices in these troubled times.

5 – However, once you start watching Adam Sandler movies, you’ve been alone too long: telephone a relative or close friend.  Actually, I believe, there’s a 1-800 Help Line.  (And if there isn’t, there should be.)

6 – Also, re-watching Season 8 of Games of Thrones is not recommended.  It’s not going to get any better, and you’re got enough to be pissed off about right now.

Children

7 – If you’re homeschooling, it’s best to keep a cute baby picture of your kid handy.  This is to remind you that the little monster who refuses to understand “Carry the 1” is still your daughter and not Satan’s evil spawn.

8 – Playing Hold-em Poker with your six-year-old for their college fund is not acceptable.

9 – And, that’s your DNA that just painted the cat and discovered apples don’t actually go all the way down when you flush.

Mental Health

10 – In order to maintain a modicum of decorum, make sure you change from your night pajamas to your day pajamas no later than 9 A.M.

11 – You are limited to two (2) ugly cries per day, and you can’t save them up and go nuts on Monday morning when you realize, “Crap! There’s another week I’ve wasted.”

12 – It’s time to seek professional help when you start referring to your family as inmates and cursing Mandela for setting the bar so high.

Home and Work

13 – When you’re working from home, it’s always a difficult time when you realize you never actually did all that much work.  Don’t stress out!  Try filling your time with work-related activities like going for coffee, planning lunch, exchanging funny memes with your friends and cruising Instagram.  These will help you pass a “normal” work day.

14 – Conference calls with audio are different from conference calls with video.  Know the difference and be prepared (i.e. the regional manager is going to notice the torn Ride-A-Cowboy t-shirt.)

15 – You need to develop a comprehensive strategy to balance your work and home life.  “Screw it!  The reports can wait” is not comprehensive enough.

And finally:

16 – Remember all those mornings when the alarm went off and you rolled over and thought, “God, I wish I could just stay home and lay in bed all day”?  Well, careful what you wish for!

The Unsung Casualties Of Covid-19

sign

Even though we are not out of the dark hole of Covid-19 yet, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel — and it’s not the paramedics.  People are beginning to speculate on the economic impact of shutting down the world economy for several months.  A lot of industries have taken some serious body blows and are trying desperately to endure.  For example, I have no idea how cruise ships are going to come back from this.  (Quite frankly, they couldn’t pay me enough to get on one of those floating petri dishes!)  Meanwhile, other industries have adapted.  Liquor stores are delivering, restaurants are takeout only and housecleaners are working from home, telephoning detailed instructions to rich people on how to make the bed and plug in the vacuum cleaner.  Unfortunately, other industries simply cannot survive.  These are real people whose lives have been torn apart — but the world has forgotten them.  They are the unsung casualties of Covid-19.

Pickpockets – This has got to be the most devastated industry in the world.  By definition, the pickpocket business is a people business — up-close-and-personal.  Social distancing has all but destroyed this once thriving traditional occupation.  In fact, in most tourist traps, there is actually 100% unemployment.  These numbers are catastrophic.  Although, given human nature, I’m certain there are still a few dedicated craftspeople out there, plying their trade – struggling to survive.

Prostitutes – Suddenly, what was once called “the world’s oldest profession” isn’t even a profession anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah!  There’s still phone sex and Live Cam, and I’ve read that some people are turning to ZOOM for illicit group encounters, but … The thing is, and I believe most people will agree, the erotic buzz of paying a stranger for sex just isn’t there when you’re forced to remain 2 metres (six feet) apart.  And, this has become an insurmountable challenge for many hardworking men and women.

Spies – Fast cars, tuxedos and little, itty bitty gadgets have no place in today’s world.  Think about it!  It’s impossible to pull off a mission impossible when all the bad guys are stuck at home watching Netflix.  Hell, everybody has a hideout these days!  And it’s not as if you can sneak up on anybody when you’re the only one on the street.  Although, to be fair, high speed car chases are a lot easier — except there’s nobody out there to chase.  The reality is, Post Covid-19 James Bond may have to go back to bird watching.

Aroma Therapists – It’s hard to work up a bunch of sympathy for these scam artists who’ve spent the last decade charging big bucks to let people smell things.  Of course, some of them are still selling their snake oil online, but that’s not going to last very long.  It won’t be many days before most folks discover that all it takes to feel good about yourself is a loaf of bread in the oven.  And if you really wanna get happy … just bake some cinnamon rolls.

And finally:

Meghan and Harry – They couldn’t have picked a worse time to get into the celebrity business.  Pissed off about being a second-string Duchess, Meghan decided she wanted to be the Reigning Queen of Southern California.  Unfortunately, all of her potential subjects are busy trying to keep their own media brands alive.  They just don’t have time to faux fawn over a couple of ex-royals.  Plus, after Gal Gadot’s “imagine no possessions” fiasco unmasked the industrial-strength hypocrisy most celebs practice so diligently, being idly rich isn’t all that fashionable any more.

So, let’s all remember, in these troubled times, some people are a lot worse off than we are.