Category: Social Media

Life isn’t Fair … to the other guy!

Somewhere between the point of impact and the bloody nose, some back-fence philosopher will invariably tell you life isn’t fair.  Not very witty and not very original but true all the same.  We all know life isn’t fair.  For example, the San Diego Chargers have never won the Super Bowl and the Dallas Cowboys have won it like two hundred times.  NFL parity be damned; that’s just not fair.  Nor are the long lines at the DMV, the amount of sodium in a Big Mac™ or the odds of winning in Vegas.  I have a friend who used to say, “Life is a series of long shots and then you die.”  I never agreed with him, but he’s got a point.  The fact is life isn’t fair.  The problem is we all know that’s true, but nobody believes it – not really.

We believe life isn’t fair … to the other guy.  We think the random bumps and bruises Mother Nature dishes out on a daily basis should be reserved for somebody else.  We’re willing to take our lumps too but we want a reason for them.  We also want our personal attributes recognized by the universe, and we want rewards and punishments meted out accordingly.  When that doesn’t happen, we think we’re getting screwed.

This wasn’t always the case.  In the late 19th century, novelist Thomas Hardy made a career out of ruining fictional lives with innocent acts of chance: an appointment missed or a letter misplaced meant his characters lost out on happily ever after and went straight to abject misery.  These days, we pooh-pooh Hardy`s ùse of coincidence as a literary device, but the Victorians thought it quite acceptable.  (They were more concerned about the sex.)  Our recent ancestors realized that life was hazardous and you had to be very careful because happenstance did happen – with dire consequences.  Our benevolent universe is a recent invention.  It`s less than sixty years old.

For the last three generations, we`ve been working under the delusion that we can build a risk-free society.  Actually, we`ve done a relatively good job.  Life — as we know it — has come a long way from what 17th century philosopher Thomas Hobbes described as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.”  Our institutions give us a level of protection against random acts of misfortune.  They provide a certain amount of certainty to our lives, and offer slight guarantees against disaster.  Unfortunately, because we’ve been living under these minimal safeguards for so long — and they have worked so well — we now not only believe in a benevolent universe; we demand it.  In short, “life isn’t fair” might apply to the generic universe, but nobody takes it personally.

The real problem is, as our society’s cocoon wraps itself around us, we simply don’t take life seriously anymore.  We don’t believe it can hurt us, and when it does, we’re shocked.  I’m not talking about life-threatening diseases or major disasters like earthquakes; you’re not going to win those babies.  I’m talking about everyday trouble that comes whipping out of nowhere and kicks us in the teeth — stuff that just happens.  It’s nothing personal.  There’s no giant ledger of debits and credits, and you didn’t get your share of credits.  Nobody’s trying to thwart your attempts at a good life.  There’s no need to rage against the machine, get angry or threaten to sue.  And it’s not going to do you any good to cry or sulk or go back into therapy.

Here’s the deal.  Sometimes, the owner doesn’t clean up after the dog. It’s that simple. There’s nothing you can do about it — except, maybe remember: despite our best intentions, life isn’t fair and you need to wear shoes.

Conversation: A Dying Art

We all know people whose primary skill is to be annoying.  They may be nice folks, and we may even genuinely like them but invariably, in conversation, they always have to pull out the sandpaper.  Nothing seriously personal — no insults to your mother or major ideological differences just — nitpicky crap that rubs you the wrong way.  These are the folks who always have something to say, and, when they don’t, weasel the conversation around until they do.  Actually, it’s mostly the tone; just a note or two above superior but not quite nasal enough to be pompous ass.  They’re the ones who roll their eyes skyward when you start the conversation with, “I was at McDonald’s the other day…” as who should say “I’ve never tasted a Quarter Pounder.”  We all know they have, but we never say so.  We never stop the story and say, “Hey! Wait a minute, I knew you in college and you used to eat Ronny Mac eight times a week.”  And that’s the most annoying part of it all.  We let them get away with this stuff, and two days later, we’re still pissed off and rewriting the mental conversation.

We let these folks trample all over us is because it’s just too much trouble to stop everything and call them out.  We know if we do say, “Hey! Wait a minute!” we’re going to get a diatribe on the icky bits that go into the Chicken McNuggets or how the Shakes don’t melt in the blazing August sun.  (As if we didn’t know that already.)  Either that or it’s a forty minute travelogue of some quaint little hamburger place over in Funkytown where the chef/owner raises her own cows organically in the backyard, sprouts her own mustard and hand blends the secret sauce.  (Probably, ketchup and Thousand Islands!)  It’s not quite as bad as the vegetarian tirade but close.  Anyway, it’s just not worth it, and that’s what these people bank on.  They think they’re safe because the rest of us aren’t willing to stop cold and take them to task every time they open their mouths.

These people are ruining the world.

Once upon a time, it was perfectly acceptable to have an ordinary conversation: just a few people hanging out with each other.  We all heard what the other person had to say — like it or not — made the right noises in the right places and waited our turn to trot out our own semi-interesting stories.  It was great fun and how we got to know each other: the Golden Age of small talk.  These days, however, the irritating people have taken centre stage and we can’t get away from them.  They’re constantly trying to enlighten us to the perils of the world, the inequities of life and the finer things that only they have the inside track on.  They’ve turned the fine art of inane conversation into some sort of verbal tennis match where every innocent lob is returned with a Roger Federer drive to the net and overhand smash.  It’s like getting trapped in an elevator with a socially aware insurance salesman: eventually, everything gets back to “Serious” without ever having paused at “Who Cares.”

The problem is there’s nothing we can do about it.  Unless we want to turn every conversation into a low-level firefight we just have to stand there and take it.  Polite society dictates polite conversation.  Personally, however, I’m tired of the monologue on microbreweries, films with subtitles and anyone who has travelled anywhere.  I no longer admit I have a passport, occasionally drink soda pop or know how to read.  Nor do I celebrate major Western holidays, know where Africa is or understand the nuances of the LCD/LED TV.  (That last one’s true, by the way.)  I’ve discovered that it’s impossible to deal with these people.  They hold the floor like some 19th century slumlord — with just about as much benefit to the common good.

Unfortunately, since our society frowns on unleashing predators like me on these people, they are multiplying exponentially.  Eventually, all conversations will consist of a number of comatose heads, bobbing in unison, while several long-winded gasbags hold forth, ad infinitum.  No one will be able to hear (or care) what the other person is saying, and eventually, in polite good time, they’ll all just wander back to their smartphones, emails and text messages.

It’s a bleak future, but until we declare open season on these perpetual pains in the posterior, we’re doomed.

 

New Year’s Resolutions: A User’s Guide

In North America, the top three New Year’s Resolutions are; lose weight, get out of debt and get organized.  These are really good resolutions for fat, sloppy people who’ve maxed out their credit cards but for the rest of us, they’re useless.  Trust me: if you make any one of these resolutions — as they stand — you’re doomed.  You’ve got about as much chance of keeping them as getting bitten by a Forks, Washington vampire and living happily ever after.  The problem is not the resolution — in actual fact, most North American need to drop a few kilos — it’s the madness in the method.  Most people approach New Year’s Resolutions as if they’ve just been convicted of a major crime and the judge is about to pronounce sentence.  They’re a penance.  That’s not the way to do it.  Here are a few simple rules that will almost guarantee resolution success – unless, of course, you are a fat, sloppy, smoker with eighteen overdue credit cards.  If that’s the case, you need more help than I can provide.

Be Specific – “I’m going to lose weight” doesn’t mean anything.  In fact, you probably just said that to get the girlfriend off your back.  Losing weight is way to blurry to even think about.  A New Year’s Resolution should never span the universe in a single bound like that.  It needs to be pinpoint specific.  The difference between “I’m going to lose weight” and “I’m going to lose twenty pounds” is huge. One is a massive undertaking, lost in a vague notion; the other is a simple task, infinitely doable – especially in twelve months.  New Year’s Resolutions need to be that specific with a measurable result.

Define the Result – What do you want at the end?  “I’m going to quit smoking” is not a result; it’s a task.  The result is you’re not going to be coughing up a kidney every time you play anything more strenuous than darts.  That’s a good result.  Given their druthers, people will naturally sit on their asses.  The only way to get them moving is to show them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  This is even truer (if that’s possible) when you’re having an internal dialogue.  You need to clearly define what you’re going to get at the end of the resolution and keep that firmly in mind.  Otherwise, all you’re doing is talking to yourself.

Be Reasonable — If you owe Visa half the national debt of Italy, it’s not reasonable to expect you’re going to get out of debt in 2012.  Your New Year’s Resolutions need a chance to survive.  A more reasonable resolution would be, “I’m going to pay off just one credit card, chop it into little pieces, bake it into a brownie and give it to my banker next Christmas.”  This is a reasonable resolution, and it’s certainly out there on the motivation front.

Have a Plan – Don’t fall into the trap of making a New Year’s Resolution without any idea of how you’re going to do it.  “I’m going to get organized” means a lot more that finding out what’s growling in the back of the refrigerator.  You need to know what you’re going to do with that thing once you haul it out of there.  Small is better, so try downsizing the tasks: first the fridge — finish it — then start on the closet.  If you try to do everything at once, you’re just going to be overwhelmed and sink back into the debris.  Besides, if you’re even moderately normal you’re going to need a lot of experience before you tackle the basement or the garage.

Go Public – Tell everybody what you’re doing.  There’s always some jerk who’s going to “I told you so!” if you’re still puffing the Marlboros next Christmas, but take the chance.  Everybody needs a fan club, and you’d be surprised how many people are in your corner.  It helps to know that there are people out there cheering for you.

Bring a Friend – It’s a lot easier to do anything if you’ve got company.  There’s no rule that says resolutions are solitary activities.  “We resolve to read two books a month” makes it easier to read at least one.

Have Fun – The reason we make resolutions is because we want to accomplish something.  They’re not punishment for eating cake, or taking the elevator or buying shoes.  They’re how we want to be in the future.  So why not have some fun getting there?

Happy New Year!