Category: Social Media

New Year’s Resolutions

I love New Year’s Resolutions.  They are the poster children for trust in the future and confidence in the self.  Besides, the people who make New Year’s Resolutions have a distinct advantage over the hillbillies down the block who don’t.  At the very least, we have some idea that things can get better, whereas Ma and Pa Kettle, three doors down, have consigned themselves to their fate.  It’s kinda like waking up in the morning feeling just as good as you’re going to feel all day: not a very happy thought, but some people condemn themselves to it.  Personally, I’ve always imagined that, not only is the glass half full, but if you work at it, you can fill it up, if you so desire.  Why not try?  What’s it going to hurt?  And the end of the year is a perfect opportunity to take a crack at it.  While we’re slacking around, eating turkey sandwiches between Christmas and New Year’s, we have the time to give it three deep ones, pause for a minute and see what we’re about.  At this point, some people take a look over the horizon and say I can get there if I do thus and so, and some people don’t.  But here’s why you should.

When John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” he was being wildly optimistic.  In actual fact, for most people, life is what happens to them when they’re sitting on their cans doing nothing.  “Come day, go day, God’ll bring Sunday” is a good philosophy if you’re on Death Row in a Texas prison, but for the rest of us, the future holds a little bit more promise.  Yet people, for the most part, don’t treat the future like a precious non-renewable resource.  They squander it, then wake up one morning and wonder what the hell happened.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Let me demonstrate.

Nobody (except maybe totally rich people) ever walks into a travel agent, slaps down their credit card and says. “I don’t care where.  I don’t care when.  Just give me a ticket!”  It isn’t done.  Even the most wild and crazy traveller usually has something in mind before pulling out the Visa card — notably, where, when and for how long.  Not only that, but if the airlines would quit scamming us with their phantom advertised prices, we’d probably be able to guess how much it’s going to cost us as well.  These are the basic requirements of travel.  Reasonable people follow these steps.  Anybody who doesn’t, runs the risk of ending up on an eight hour tour of the Lego factory in Billund, Denmark.  And although that may sound exciting, most people, outside the Lego community, are not willing to risk their limited time and money betting on it.  The fact is people plan their vacations.  The irony is they spend more time trying to figure out what they’re going to do with those three weeks every year than they do with the other forty-nine.

Everybody knows the cliché that life is a journey.  Therefore, New Year’s Resolutions are just a pumped up vacation plan.  All they say is, I want to go here this year.  I want to do these things because it’s going to be fun, or informative, or I’m going to feel better.  The problem most people (who aren’t incurable hillbillies) have is they make the wrong resolutions.  Then they get pissed off with themselves for not keeping them.  That’s not the way it should be.  You should make New Year’s Resolutions as the first quick and dirty signposts that point to the most important part of the future – your own.

Friday: How to make the right resolutions and how to keep them.

Christmas Trivia

Any Laplander will tell you that all reindeer have antlers.  However, they will also tell you that male reindeer lose their antlers in late November or early December, whereas female reindeer do not lose their antlers until spring.  Therefore, the reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh are all female – including Rudolph.  There were originally eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.  Rudolph was added in 1939 when Robert L May created a colouring book for retailer Montgomery Ward to give away at Christmas.  The book told the now familiar story of Rudolph and how he came to guide Santa’s sleigh.  Ten years later, in 1949, Gene Autry had finished colouring all the pictures, so he decided to record a song based on the Rudolph story.  “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was an instant hit, and Rudolph has been around ever since.

“Frosty the Snowman” was written by Jack Rollins and Steve Nelson in 1950, for Gene Autry, who wanted to follow up the success of “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer” from the previous year.

Originally, there was one other reindeer in Santa’s team pulling the sleigh on Christmas Eve.  Unfortunately he became bitter and belligerent, so Santa had to take appropriate disciplinary action.  His name was Dinner.

The names of The Three Wise Men are Gaspar, Melchoir and Balthasar not Manny, Moe and Jack as some TV ads would lead you to believe.  However, if you want to astound your friends with your Christmas knowledge or win drinks at any pub in the world just ask the question; Which Wise Man brought which gift?  The answer is Melchoir brought gold, Balthasar brought frankincense and Gaspar, who, like most of us left his Christmas shopping to the last minute, brought myrrh (whatever that is.)

The traditional Christmas poinsettia originally came from Mexico.  It was first brought to the United States by Joel Poinsett in the 1820s.  Even after all these years, the name is still almost universally mispronounced.

Santa Claus actually lives in Canada.  He has his own address and postal code.  It’s Santa Claus, North Pole, Canada, H0H 0H0.  If you write to him he will reply in whatever language your letter is written in.  Try it!

Although, under various aliases, Santa Claus is claimed by a number of countries he is, in fact, a Canadian citizen.  On December 23rd, 2008, the Canadian government’s Minister of Citizenship, Jason Kenney, declared, “The Government of Canada wishes Santa the very best in his Christmas Eve duties and wants to let him know that, as a Canadian Citizen, he has the automatic right to re-enter Canada once his trip around the world is complete.”

Like most of the cool Christmas traditions, candy canes come from Germany.  They started out, in the late 17th century, as white sticks of candy given to children to keep them quiet during the long and infinitely boring Christmas church services.  Many people believe candy canes are bent so they could hang on the Christmas tree.  Originally, however, the canes were bent to resemble a shepherd’s crook and so calm the objections of stodgy old churchmen who didn’t want kids having candy in church.

If you’re trapped in Dublin at Christmas, “Merry Christmas” in Irish is “Nollaig Shona Dhuit” but I have no idea how to pronounce it.

Oddly enough, Mrs. Claus does not have a first name; nor, for that matter does any of the elves.

Canada was the first country to issue Christmas stamps — in 1898.

Nova Scotia exports more Christmas trees than anywhere else in the world.

The reason that relentless movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, is on TV so much is that television stations don’t have to pay for it.  Apparently, when it was made, there was a mix-up in the contracts, so nobody who worked on the film — including the actors — ever gets residuals.

It is a well known fact that the stupid “Little Drummer Boy” (who was put on this earth to annoy me) has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  The real little drummer boy was a pickpocket and sneak thief who fell in with the Three Wise Men in order to gain their confidence and eventually rob them.  He was already a hardened criminal by that time and had a list of previous offences as long as the Ohio River.  He was caught with his hand in the frankincense jar and sentenced to 10 years’ hard labour — which is exactly what the treacherous little bugger deserved.

Did you know?  There was once a dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Christmas Quotes

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
“All Christmas trees are perfect.” – Charles N Barnard
“It’s not the gift, but the thought that counts.” – Henry Van Dyke (Dick and Jerry’s other brother?)
“Christmas is a whispered conspiracy of love.” – Anon
“Nothing is as mean as giving a child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
“Santa is very jolly ‘cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.” – Dennis Miller
“Bah! Humbug!” — Ebenezer Scrooge
“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash

Christmas at the Movies

Way back in the dim reaches of time, people went to the theatre to see Christmas movies.  In my time, most of us saw the classics on television.  Then, of course there were VHS tape, DVDs and now downloads.   Regardless, there is something very Christmassy about settling in on a long winter’s night with popcorn and Pepsi (or whatever) and watching a movie you’ve seen at least a hundred times since you were five.  It says Christmas — just as much as Santa, the elves and reindeer.

Despite what the Internet will tell you, there is no be-all/end-all list of Christmas movies; everybody’s Top Ten is slightly different.  For example, I have a friend who is pretty much normal.  He’s a good husband and father, pays his taxes and keeps a somewhat traditional Christmas.  However, his favourite Christmas movie of all time is Jingle all the Way.  Go figure!  The point is the mark of a good Christmas movie is totally subjective.

Hollywood has made literally hundreds of Christmas movies.  Some of them are extra special and some aren’t fit to be shown on Khatfoodistan Regional Airlines, but they all fit into three broad categories.  They are the retelling of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, The Christmas Reboot and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Christmas.

After the nativity story itself, A Christmas Carol is the definitive tale of Christmas.  Over the years, half of Hollywood has taken a crack at retelling it.  Scrooge has been played by Reginald Owen, George C. Scott, Bill Murray, Michael Caine (with a troupe of Muppets) and even Jim Carrey (in an animated version.)  These are all decent renditions (and there are probably a few I’ve forgotten) but the very best version was filmed in 1951 and starred Alastair Sim as Scrooge.  Why?  First of all, it’s black and white.  This makes it shadowy and grim, almost sinister, and it gives some verisimilitude to Victorian London.  (The rag-and-bone scene is especially Dickensian.) Secondly, it shows the slow decline of Scrooge, and with him Marley, from young, bright-eyed clerks into the hard, penny-pinching misers they become — figuratively forging the chains that Marley is dragging through eternity.   It softens our attitude towards Scrooge: in a sense we start cheering for him.  And finally, the redemption of Scrooge is a complete transformation — not just Ebenezer with a grin on.  When Scrooge is sitting on the stairs with Mrs Dilber and gives her a sovereign, he is serious about it.  When he goes to his nephew’s house, he’s hesitant, unsure of his reception.  When he confronts Cratchit back at the Counting House he calls him Bob.  The change in Scrooge is real, and we applaud him for it.  This is perhaps the best movie version of A Christmas Carol with only one flaw.  In the bedroom scene, when Scrooge wakes up to discover he hasn’t missed Christmas, as he’s jumping around, you can clearly see the film crew in a mirror on the wall.

There are a ton of Christmas Reboot movies.  The cynical among us would say that finding the true meaning of Christmas is a national pastime in small-town America.  Of course, Christmas is all about a rebirth of faith, but the problem with a lot of the Christmas Reboot movies is they are just not that believable anymore.  For example, in The Bishop’s Wife (1947) I simply do not believe that Loretta Young would throw over guardian angel Gary Grant for pain-in-the- ass David Niven.  I mean, really!  Would you?  The very best of the Reboots are, of course Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas in Connecticut and (as much as I hate it) It’s a Wonderful Life.  But there are a few other films that get overlooked.  One of them is Elf.  As Dorothy Parker once said (about Katherine Hepburn) Will Ferrell’s acting talent runs the gamut from A to B, and he uses every ounce of it in Elf.  Even if you haven’t liked a thing Ferrell has done since Saturday Night Live you’ll have to admit Elf is a classic.

There is no end to the great A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Christmas movies.  The only question is, depending on your sense of humour and sensibilities, which ones are better than the others.  At the top of the heap are A Christmas Story, where Ralphie finally gets his Red Ryder BB gun and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, which is one of the funniest movies in history.  These two are head and antlers above all the rest and are required viewing in comedy school.  After that, it’s up for grabs.  Some people like The Santa Clause, although the sequels are getting a bit old.  Some people like Christmas with the Kranks.  Some people even like Bad Santa.  It all depends on your taste.  One of my personal favourites is The Ref, which is hard to summarize but extremely funny.

Of course the Christmas season would not be complete without White Christmas.  This movie is so synonymous with Christmas it stands alone as the single finest Christmas mood movie ever made.

So, the Top Christmas movies on my list are (in no particular order — yeah, right!)

White Christmas
A Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
A Child’s Christmas in Wales (very hard to find)
Elf
Prancer (just ‘cause it’s cute)
The Ref
The Polar Express
And I’m saving #10 for Harold and Kumar.