Category: Social Media

Aristotle Is Dead!

philosophyWe live in interesting times.  Half the people hate what’s going on in the world, half the people fear what’s going on in the world, and half the people haven’t got a clue what’s going on in the world.  And the biggest problem is nobody cares that these figures don’t add up to 100%.  Our standard response to such things is — ” Whatever!”  Two hundred years from now, anthropologists and historians (if there are any left) are going to look at our time with a combination of disbelief and WTF?  The only thing they’ll be able to agree on is that we’ve  abandoned Aristotle for a more Kardashian view of reality.  The fact is, most of the stuff we do here is the early days of the 21st century defies logic.  Here are a few examples.

Extended Warranties — There are two things going on when you buy an extended warranty.  One, you’re betting money that the thing you just purchased turns out to be a piece of junk; and two, if it doesn’t, you’ve just willingly paid for a very expensive handful of air.

Free Stuff — Nope!  Even though, like unicorns, we all know what this looks like, it doesn’t exist.  Everyone forgets that, unless your name is Aladdin, somebody/somewhere has to pay for the stuff  you’re presumably going to get for free — and it’s usually you. (BTW, why did you get singled out to get something for nothing in the first place?  Just because?)

Government Secrets/Conspiracies — Governments do not conduct their secret affairs at facilities that regularly appear on television documentaries.  Nor do they leave massive clues behind for any YouTuber with a pause button to find.  A good rule to remember is if you and all your friends have heard about it — it isn’t a secret.

Lotteries — Math, folks! Do the math!

Denying Climate Change — This is like believing in the existence of God — and Blaise Pascal got it right.  If we believe in Climate Change and it doesn’t exist — nothing happens.  However, if we don’t believe in Climate Change and it does exist — we’re totally screwed.

Corporate Greed — The sole purpose of any corporation is to earn money.  That’s the reason they exist — the only reason.  To get pissed off at corporations that generate profits (“excessive” is a subjective term) is like getting angry at your cat because it’s good at catching mice.

And finally:

Apple Logos — Spending a boatload of money for an item that does the exact same thing as another item — that’s sitting right beside it and costs half as much — defies all logic.  The only explanation is Apple isn’t a business; it’s a cult.

Stress — The Final Frontier

stressOkay! It’s two weeks into a new year and you’ve discovered 3 visits to the gym don’t qualify you for a bikini, no matter how positive you are; Jan, at work, is still an asshole, and if you don’t get some cookies soon, you’re going to punch somebody in the face — probably Jan.  Life is hard, folks, and it’s even harder when you’re striving for perfection.  But that’s the mistake we all make.  We strive for perfection, especially at this time of year.  But, here’s a tip: forget perfection!  The only thing between you and that happy camper you want to be is stress.  Shoot stress in the head and, believe me, perfection is never going to come up on the agenda again.  So, in the spirit of Good Works (one of my New Year’s Resolutions) here are a few things that might be of assistance.  Good luck!

Get out of bed — You’d be surprised how good a day you get when your morning doesn’t look like the Mad Hatter is having a two-for-one sale on crazy.  Running out the door, 10 minutes late, with a hairbrush in one hand, a toothbrush in the other and your underwear on backwards is not the way to face the world.  You need to sneak up on it — slowly — so give yourself some time to wake up in the morning and metaphorically put your underwear on properly.

Take 3 deep breaths — Unless you’re the President, the Pope or Vladimir Putin, there’s no situation you’re ever going face that won’t wait five minutes.  Going straight at a problem might work at deadline time, but if you’re constantly letting things get that far, you’re already screwed.  People need time to think.  Besides, sometimes staring out the window for a while can give you a fresh perspective on why Jan is being such an obstructionist bitch.

Sex — Try to get beyond Date Night — but if that’s all ya got, make it the best Date Night ever!

Get some comedy — A steady diet of news, documentaries and PBS drama will kill ya.  Laughing at a fat kid on YouTube getting beaned by a beach ball will cleanse your soul.

Forget about the last word — Arguments are part of life; turning every one of them into the Alamo just isn’t healthy.  There’s no future in being right if you’re still having the mental conversation two days later.  Let the idiots win every once in awhile.

And finally:

Celebrate — Turn off the mobile phone, step away from the video screen and have a glass of wine, a Root Beer float or a slice of chocolate cake (preferably, with two forks.)  This is the reason we get up in the morning and do what we do.  Don’t ever let just doing become the priority.

Now, back to the gym! — That bathing suit isn’t going to wear itself!

Out With The Old!

old

It’s a brand new year, time to show a little healthy intolerance for all the crap that has somehow become cool in our world.  This is the stuff we all put up with for no apparent reason — even though most of it is just a pain in the ass.  Here’s a very short list to get started.  (And you’ll be surprised just how good it feels to finally overthrow the tyranny of the mob.)

Loudmouth Vegans — Nobody really cares what you eat (see item #2) but announcing what you won’t eat every five minutes is just being a self-righteous jerk.  Think about it: when a vegan comes to your house for dinner, you serve vegan, but when you go to a vegan’s house for dinner, they never bring out a steak.

Social Media Food Photos — Nobody really cares what you eat.

Selfies — Submitting photographic evidence that you don’t have any friends doesn’t make you interesting.

Tiny Houses — The sun is shining.  Leighton and Bryce are happy.  They just bought a 300 square foot (100 metre) house.  They’re going to live there.  Next winter when the fog, rain, snow, ice and wind come and they have to dismantle the kitchen every time they want to go to the toilet, Leighton and Bryce are going to kill each other.

Torn Clothes — Would somebody please tell rich, white people that the reason they can dress themselves in rags is there’s a bunch of kids in Bangladesh working 14 hours a day in penal servitude?

Roseanne — Resurrecting the Connor family is a gutsy cash grab, but here’s a news flash: the 90s are over, and Dan is dead.

Lena Dunham — She’s the first celebrity to make a career out of apologizing.  However, when she mentioned that she wished she’d had an abortion just so she could know how it feels — well — that kinda tells ya where her mind’s at.

Twitter — Boy, did that little bit of fun go to hell in a hurry!

Hashtag Everything — (see above)

Tattoos — The only reason these middleclass badges are still around is it hurts like hell to get rid of them.

Man Buns — The saddest fashion trend since Hammer Pants swept the neighbourhood.

And finally:

Wearable Apple Crap — Paying a ton of money for a watch that you can barely see — that tells you stuff 99.99% of the people on this planet don’t care about — is living proof that Mr. Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute.