Category: Social Media

How To Play “Cultural Appropriation”

family-gameThese days, Cultural Appropriation is trending everywhere. You can read about it here, but I’ve discovered an interesting fact: “Cultural Appropriation” isn’t real.  It’s a game invented by middleclass, university undergrads with time on their hands.  It’s quite simple and very similar to the “You’re a Racist” game; however, the scoring is slightly different.  A player must first ambush some unsuspecting white guy — doing just about anything beyond eating Kraft Dinner — and accuse him of Cultural Appropriation.  While the white guy is still wondering WTF, the player must then try and light up the Internet by generating enough traffic to attract the attention of the mainstream media.  There is no limit to the amount of venom or indignation the player can use.  Name calling is allowed, and as in the “White Privilege” game, there are no penalty points for bullshit.  Scoring is simple: more hits equal a higher score and Facebook “likes” don’t count. (Did they ever??)  There are bonus points if  the white guy apologizes and/or eventually just gives up trying to explain.  Also, all bonus points are doubled if the unsuspecting white guy is associated with a brand name corporation.  Points continue to accumulate through the 48 hour news cycle but stop immediately when the story appears on Huffington Post.  The player wins when the white guy’s activity or event is cancelled; however, NO points are awarded if the player doesn’t immediately bitch about the lack of cultural diversity in Western society.  In that scenario, the game resets itself and the player must start again.

Like all holier-than-thou games — including “Sexist, Sexist, I Found a Sexist” and “Homophobes are Everywhere” — ” Cultural Appropriation” is derived from the classic “Stereotyping White People” game which has been a sophomore sport since the mid 60s.  And although we’ll probably never see the great college tournaments of the 80s and 90s again, we can all still enjoy hours of liberal guilt just playing these games for fun with our friends.  Good luck, and good gaming!

Unfollow The Leader

leadershipOur society is absolutely bloated with useless people.  I don’t mean the scabby crack addict sitting on the curb begging for money.  (What the hell is “spare” change, anyway?)  No, it’s those half-educated persistent boors who have a degree in some nonsense like Leadership that I’m worried about.  They’re the ones who sat through years of university with nothing on their minds but a wool hat and now, a couple of years later, swear by all that’s holy they’re smart.  I’ve listened to these people — their natural habitat is either a meeting or a cocktail party. They’re a lotta things — but smart ain’t one of them.

Just to be clear, I’m only using Leadership as an example, and I’m not talking about every single person with an idiot degree like that; just the 99% who give the rest of them a bad name.

So, what kind of training and study does a person need to become a contemporary Napoleon?  I took a few minutes and googled Leadership Programs at several well known universities.  (They shall remain nameless to protect the guilty.)  These might not be the exact courses they offer, but they’re so close it’s scary.

Team Building — Using moronic games to fool adults into thinking they still get a recess.

Motivation and Discipline — Show the donkey your carrot, and if that doesn’t work, hit him with a stick.

Creating Charisma — Workable strategies when people think you’re an asshole.

Innovation — Changing stuff — because you can.

Utilizing Smart Goals — Somewhere, buried in the syllabus, Stupid Goals are just clawing to get out.

Fundamentals of Determination — I think I can!  I think I can!  I think I can!

Group Dynamics — Where to hide the annoying people so they’re not constantly pissing on everybody else’s enthusiasm.

Inspiration — Resurrecting the cheer leading squad from high school to Rah! Rah! a bunch of miserable people into believing they’re having fun.

Social Media and Self Branding — I never got passed the auto-erotic S&M part of this baby, but I think you’re supposed to do it on YouTube.

Speaking with Confidence and Authenticity — Sincerity is the key.  Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Execution — There was no course description for this one, but it was offered as 1101, 2101, and 3102, so the possibilities are endless.

And finally, Lateral Thinking — You’re never going to get ahead in this world unless you go sideways.

And that about sums it up.  We’ve created a whole layer of wannabe Julius Caesars, running back and forth across the battlefield, exhorting their imaginary legions.  They run endless meetings to “facilitate” and prowl boring parties to “connect” but in the end, they don’t actually accomplish anything.  And the problem is they won’t get out of the way.

Barbeque: The Last Macho

cavemanIt’s an unfortunate truth, but barbeque is the last allowable macho in North America.  It’s the one remaining place where any man still capable of gripping a pair of tongs can fulfill his genetic imperative without fear of pissing somebody off.   Ever since sensitive became the new orange, masculine has been fighting a losing battle for its very existence and the backyard barbeque is the Alamo.  It’s a sad commentary, but if the eulogy for the manly art of being a man ever comes, it’s going to be written in hotdogs and hamburger patties.  You’ve come a long way, buddy!

Personally, I’m not a barbeque kinda guy.  It almost makes me weep to see a beautiful cut of meat thrown into a crematorium, flipped around, pushed around and slathered with bottled brown something that looks and tasted like mesquite flavoured mud.  Cows aren’t exactly noble beasts, but they do deserve better than that.  Besides, trying to saw my way through shoe leather with a plastic knife, while balancing a paper plate that insists on sliding the potato salad into my crotch, is not my idea of a good time.  Give me tables, chairs, china and candlelight anytime.

However, barbeque isn’t actually about food.  It’s about the need men have to shape their environment, harness fire to do their bidding and manipulate tools.  It was born in the primeval when ability and accomplishment accounted for something — namely, survival.  Like it or not, a big part of how we got here depended on male strength and aggression that let our species eat better than the species who were trying to eat us.  And even though we no longer value linear thinking, for 40 some millennia, it served us well.

Today, in general, ordinary men don’t see that kind of action.  They watch it on television.  Male aggression is frowned upon, and the emotional strength which accompanies it is considered a debilitating weakness.  Vulnerability is the watchword—which, ironically, in the great pissing contest of history, would have got us all killed.

Thus, men, now useless for killing the food and dragging it home, have been relegated to the summer patio where, at least, they’re encouraged to cook it.  And they do this with all the masculine genetic programming at their disposal: secret strategies, methodical planning and specialized tools.  It’s amazing how the slightest sniff of barbeque coals can turn the most oh-so-sensitive man into a Cro-Magnon, brandishing his weapons and bragging on the quality of his feast.  “Me. Meat. You. Eat.”  And it’s perfectly acceptable because, here in the 21st century, it’s the only place left where ordinary men are allowed to be men.  It might not be the hunt, but it’s the next best thing.