The Final Days? (2019)

Final Days

There is growing speculation that we are living in The Final Days and our society is slowly collapsing under the weight of our own decadent excesses.  I’m not so sure that our world is doomed, but … look around.  Every day there’s evidence that many of us are making some seriously sorry choices.  The problem is our benevolent society has created a cornucopia of attitudes that we all believe we’re entitled to – even though they have no intrinsic value.  In other words, we’re wasting our time and energy on crap that doesn’t matter and believe nothing should stand in the way of our self-indulgence.  Here are just four examples from the last couple of weeks – you decide!

Grumpy Cat is dead.  For those of you who never knew he was alive, Grumpy Cat was a cat who – uh — looked grumpy.  Apparently, this is enough to merit celebrity status in the 21st century, and a million dollar income, as well.  Go figure!  Anyway, officially, he died of a urinary tract infection, but I wonder if he’d just gotten curious about who was spending all the money he was generating.

A woman in Saskatoon, Canada decided she wanted to preserve her husband’s tattoos after he died.  (Icky – but to each his own!)  The thing that blows me away, though, is there’s a company in Cleveland, Ohio called Save My Ink Forever that actually does this sort of thing.  They will take your dead loved one, surgically remove the tattoo (think about that!) and frame it.  I get creeped out when somebody has an urn on the mantel.  I can’t imagine looking over and seeing a hunk of skin with Aunt Meghan’s tramp stamp, hanging on the wall.

Some guy visiting Hawaii jumped over the guardrail and fell into a volcano.  One wonders why?  It’s not like he didn’t see the damn thing.  And I’m sure there were signs, like “Danger! Hot, boiling lava ahead!”  Plus, there was a guardrail.  Maybe he just thought the physical laws of the universe didn’t apply to him.  Regardless, after a daring rescue, the man was treated for serious burns but walked away.  Personally, I think somebody should slap the rescue crew for keeping this dumbass in the gene pool.

But my favourite is:

Game of Thrones is over, and more than a million people are pissed off about it.  Not that the show’s over, but that it didn’t end the way they wanted it to.  In fact, they’ve signed a petition demanding – DEMANDING! – that the entire last season not only be rewritten but re-filmed.  That’s not how it works, people.  You’re the audience; you don’t get a vote.  That’s like going to the Louvre and demanding somebody repaint the Mona Lisa because you don’t understand the smile.  I know our society is trying its best to outlaw disappointment, but this has taken entitlement to a whole new level.

The Art Of The Insult (2019)

insults

We are losing the art of the insult, and I, for one, will mourn its loss.  The problem is, in the 21st century, we’re under the delusion that tolerance is such an admirable quality that it takes precedence over everything else – up to and including common sense.  The result is we’re forced to publically accept all manner of idiot ideas and opinions — even though, inside our heads, we’re screaming WTF?  In a more civilized time, people were allowed to disagree with or even dislike all kinds of opinions and people without being branded a racist, a sexist, an alt-right extremist or the all-purpose “hater.”  But that’s what we do in the 21st century – like inarticulate school children — we call each other names.  It’s the best we got!  That’s why I mourn the loss of the insult.  Good insults take a high-velocity intelligence that we just don’t practice anymore, and like all language skills, it’s the canary in our society’s mineshaft.  Fortunately, it’s not over yet, and here are some examples of wonderful insults that demonstrate the high level of intelligence and skill it takes to call somebody a dumbass.  Enjoy!

I do desire we may be better strangers – William Shakespeare (As You Like It)

You are a sad little man, and you have my pity. – Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)

I’ve known sheep that could outwit you.  I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. – Wanda (A Fish Called Wanda)

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder

If you gave [him] an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. – Christopher Hitchens

He has delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

If I had a gun with two bullets and was locked in a room with Hitler, Jack the Ripper and you, I’d shoot you – twice.

He’s always lost in thought.  It’s unfamiliar territory

You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.

I have neither the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.

Whoever told you to “be yourself” gave you bad advice.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.

You’re so dense, light must bend around you.

He has a lot to be modest about.

But my favourite is:

He is simply a hole in the air. – George Orwell (The Lion and the Unicorn)

Stuff I Learned In The Hospital

medical

Recently, I spent a couple of days in a hospital.  Nothing serious: it was just for a series of tests.  FYI, “tests” is a medical term that means, “We haven’t got a clue what’s wrong with you, but we’re going to stick needles into you until you quit bitchin’ about it.”  Anyway, during my stay, I learned a few things about hospitals, and I feel obligated to pass them along so others can learn from my experience.

1 – Festinare Expectare.  This is Latin for “hurry up and wait.” It should be etched in stone over the entrance to every hospital on the planet.

2 – Everybody tells you to relax.  Hey, folks!  I can relax at a 5 star resort on the Mayan Riviera; I can relax binge-watching Netflix; I can relax soaking in a hot bath with a good book; but nobody can relax in a HOSPITAL!  It’s a HOSPITAL!  You’re stuck in a building with a bunch of disagreeable strangers, the beds are tough, the food is worse, they’ve taken away your clothes and there are people coming to stick sharp implements into you – relaxation is not actually an option.

3 – How do you feel?  Unless you’re in some obvious distress (that you can point to) like a gunshot wound or a broken bone poking through the skin, this is a trick question.  It’s impossible to translate any of the 1,001 aches and pains that can befall a human being into words that make sense.  Think about it!  What is a shooting pain? A burning pain?  How are they different?  When does an “ache” become a “throb?”  Which one is worse?  And it goes on and on.  Even Billy Shakespeare didn’t have the vocabulary to describe pain accurately.   Mere mortals, like you and I, haven’t got a hope.  Which brings us to:

4 – The Pain Scale of 1 to 10.  Whoever devised this comic opera was clearly an idiot.  They tell you that “10” is the “worst pain imaginable.”  I can imagine a lot.  For example, getting hit by a bus has got to be painful, but getting hit by a bus and being thrown into a power pole has got to be worse.  And getting hit by a bus and being thrown into a power pole that bursts into flames has got to be worse than that.  Suddenly, getting hit by a bus is only a “7,” and that could become a “6” if the reason you got hit by the bus is you tripped in the street and broke your ankle.  Here’s the deal.  The worst pain you can imagine is the pain that’s happening right now.  Anything else is mere speculation.

But the most important thing I learned about hospitals is:

5 – Nurses run the show.  Doctors my sashay in from time to time and hog the limelight, but down in the trenches, it’s the nurses who get things done.  If you want to survive in any hospital, suck up to the nurses.  They’re like medieval smugglers: they can get you stuff that ordinary people only dream about.

BTW – Apparently, a tiny percentage of men over 50 have a Vitamin B 12 deficiency: 48 hours and several jabs, pokes and prods later, it turns out I’m one of them.  No biggie.  A couple of dollars’ worth of over-the-counter vitamins, and the headaches are gone, my evil twin is back in his box and all’s well with the world.