A Few Definitions

definitions

English is a wonderful language.  It works like a river, flowing along, constantly changing and always finding its own level.  Words appear and disappear.  Definitions change.  Meanings mutate.  And, yet, we all kinda understand each other.  To that end, here are a few definitions that might not appear in any dictionary, but I’m sure you’ll recognize them, all the same.

Tomorrow – A place where all human activity and productivity is stored.

Calories – Nasty little creatures who live in your closet and eat the sizes off your clothes.

Avoidance Behaviour – The somewhat boring stuff we do when we have more important boring stuff to do.

Internet – An essential tool of avoidance behaviour.

Pockets – Those things that fashion designers have been denying women for centuries.

Leftovers – Food that lives in the refrigerator for a while– before you throw it out.

Selfies – Photographs of people who have no friends.

Full-length Mirror – A rather useful item when you have clothes on that turns remarkably evil when you’re naked.

Shower – A place to hold imaginary arguments and sing songs that were popular when you were a teenager.

Bae – A stupid, made-up, millennial word that doesn’t mean anything.

Wikipedia – The arbitrator of all arguments.

Exercise – Sometimes pronounced “extra fries,” depending on your self-esteem that day.

Man Bun – A one-size-fits-all way to look ridiculous.

Junk Food – Stuff that everybody eats but nobody admits it.

4 In The Morning – An elusive place where the truth lives.

Family – People who know too much about you to be your friends.

Lottery Tickets – A tax on people who can’t do math.

YouTube – Moving pictures that eat time.

And my favourite:

Vegans – People who announce the menu when nobody’s even thinking about food.

Have You Heard “the Voice?”

the voice

It’s been a number of years since I first heard “the voice,” but I remember it quite clearly.  I was going through a grocery store checkout and the little popsicle at the cash register said, “And, how are you today?”  She drew out the “oo” vowel and leaned slightly forward as she said it.  It was at that precise moment I realized I wasn’t a young man anymore.  And I have to admit it annoyed me.

For those of you who are unfamiliar (read “under 50”) “the voice” is the inflection adults add to their speech when they’re talking to children, dogs, foreigners, hospital patients and old people like – uh – me.  It’s a strange combination of empathy and authority.  It suggests that the speaker thinks you might not understand the words, but wants to reassure you that they are in charge and there’s nothing to worry about.  And despite its condescending tone, it’s actually full of goodwill.

Over the years, I’ve gotten used to “the voice,” but, honestly, it still grates on me.  I can’t help it; I just don’t like being talked to on the same level as “Who’s a good boy, then?”  This is especially true when the speaker is a 20-something somebody whose major accomplishment in life is a totally cool Instagram profile.  I know these folks are full of good intentions, but treating grey hair as if it’s a terminal disease is hard to take when you’re on the receiving end.  (Full disclosure: Like everybody else on this planet, I used “the voice” when I was younger and still do, on occasion.)

The problem is, after a while, “the voice” doesn’t quit.  It’s like you’re living in a gigantic daycare centre.  Pretty much everybody who doesn’t know you, uses it.  They start every conversation with a simple question so you’re not stuck for an answer.  They constantly repeat themselves as if you can’t hear, don’t understand or have no attention span.  And they over-explain everything — as though your age and your IQ are somehow connected – adversely.  It’s totally tiresome.  But, the worst thing is “the voice” tells you – in no uncertain terms – that you’re no longer a viable sexual partner and you are not now — nor ever were — a badass.

It’s been a number of years since I first heard “the voice,” but I remember it quite clearly.  I looked at the little popsicle at the cash register, saw her smile, looked into her eyes and thought, “You have no idea who you’re dealing with, little girl — and if I told you even half the story, you wouldn’t believe me.” But, all I could think of to say was, “Not bad — for an old fella!”

Some Movies Redefined!

film

I love movies, but I’m losing my girlish laughter over the people who make them.  These days, there’s this weird idea that “good” movies have to be socially or politically aware.  What a crock!  Movies are entertainment.  That’s their function.  After that, if you want to turn them into a soapbox, knock yourself out.  But not every story has to carry a deep meaning or a dire warning.  Some stories are just a brief look into someone else’s life, and if they’re told well, they make great movies.  Contorting every tale into a vehicle that delivers a social message is the reason so many contemporary movies suck.  Let me demonstrate.  Here is a list of just a few films with social awareness shoehorned into their narrative.  The results are hilarious!

A foster child raised by a same sex couple grows up, returns to his home, kills his uncle and marries his – uh – sister?  — The Lion King

An underprivileged boy dies when a selfish rich girl is convinced she shouldn’t share her transportation with him.  — Titanic

Her whole world falls apart when an innocent, young girl goes on Reality TV and becomes a global celebrity.  — Hunger Games

Things go horribly wrong for a recent immigrant who has built a successful business and married the girl of his dreams.  — Scarface

The hidden homo-erotic world of the American military.  — Top Gun

A May-December bromance that lasted for over 30 years.  — Lethal Weapon franchise   

Bullies try to harm a transvestite couple.  — Some Like it Hot

A devoted fan is remorselessly murder by her celebrity crush – who gets away with it.  — Misery

An orphan boy comes out of the closet to fight back when an older man’s obsession turns his life into a nightmare.  — Harry Potter franchise

Estranged children fight with their father over the corporate structure of the family business.  — Star Wars (original trilogy)

An unsupervised child attempts to murder two mentally disadvantaged men.  — Home Alone

A primitive indigenous culture cannot survive without the help of technologically advanced white man.  — Avatar

A wealthy suburban teenager exploits sex workers to pay for repairs on his family’s Porsche.  — Risky Business

Worst case of Stockholm Syndrome — ever.  — Beauty and the Beast

A Florida woman speaks out when she is victimized by several stalkers.  — There’s Something About Mary

Ruthless toy company executive seduces a 12-year-old boy.  — Big

A teenage girl explores an inappropriate relationship with a much older man.  — Twilight

And, of course:

Women get into a deadly altercation over shoes.  — The Wizard of Oz