It’s the middle of winter. My city is shut down (again!) because of snow. Time to have a little fun. Enjoy!
Valentine’s Day — Fiction
On the first night, they blew out the candles and whispered in the suspicious darkness like spies unravelling their secrets. The tip-wary waiters kept their distance. And only a lipstick line on a brandy glass betrayed that they were ever there. Eventually, there was a cloud-careful moon and a long walk through the hotel-crowded streets smooth with the forgotten footsteps of long ago lovers.
On the second night, they found the river, simmering black with dancing silver ridges — so they hid on the balcony and wondered if anyone would find them. No one did. And then, when they had nothing left to say, their shadows leaned forward and undressed them, caressed them and covered them so completely with the night that only their breathing remained.
On the third day, they slept deep into the sun, and folded into the bedsheets and their newspapers, they drank coffee and had breakfast and spilled the orange juice. They walked past the museums and found a few tales of conflicting folklore from the market merchants who had stories to tell. Then, as the afternoon slipped into evening, they wandered and wined their way back to the hotel for late night shrimp and avocados.
On the fourth morning, they picked up their telephones from the hotel safe, and when the taxi driver asked them about their luggage, they just shrugged. At the airport, they phoned the kids to come get them because — after 20 years of Valentine’s Day weekends — Mr. and Mrs. Cooper were not foolish enough to pay for airport parking.
It’s Been A Weird Week!
In a week when female Democrats applauded a speech by President Donald Trump how much weirder can our world get? Pretty weird!
A Russian court found a Danish man, Dennis Christensen, guilty of “organizing the activities of an extremist organization” and sentenced him to six years in prison. Dennis Christensen is a Jehovah’s Witness and his crimes were knocking on doors and handing out pamphlets – The Watchtower. I know Jehovah’s Witnesses can be annoying — but six years? Wow! That Putin just doesn’t take crap from anybody!
There was a brawl during a weekly bingo game at a seniors’ care facility (read Old Folks’ Home) in Ontario, Canada. Apparently, two women, aged 86 and 79, had a disagreement over the seating arrangements – both claimed the same chair. The argument took a nasty turn when one of the ladies threw a punch. Various friends, on both sides, leapt to the defense of the two combatants, and suddenly it was Wrestle-Mania – with dentures. Despite the valiant efforts of the staff to break up the melee, it escalated into a free-for-all with several of the seniors using their canes to get a few licks in. The police were called. They assessed the situation, and rather than wade into the donnybrook, they called for backup. Eventually, order was restored and even though there were a number of bumps and bruises, no charges were laid. However, afternoon bingo has been suspended indefinitely!
Some guy in Colorado was out jogging when he heard a noise behind him. He turned around and the first (and only) thing he saw was a mountain lion in full lunge with every intention of turning him into a Happy Meal™.
(Slight pause in the story.)
I live in Canada, so I’ve seen mountain lions (we call them cougars) and they are big and beautiful and the international symbol for “pee your pants” scary. If you’re not familiar, imagine your house cat with 35 kilos (75 lbs.) of extra muscle, teeth the size of your index finger, paws and claws the size of a dinner plate and no reason to control his instinct to kill.
Back to our tale – and this is the good bit.
Rather than screaming and dying a horrible, icky death, our boy had the presence of mind to fight back. In fact, he went total Tarzan, somehow managed to get Mr. Mountain Lion in a choke hold and hang on until kitty — was kitty litter. The guy killed a mountain lion – WITH HIS BARE HANDS! (Yeah, yeah, yeah! We all feel sorry for the cat, but nobody in their right mind wants to experience the primeval food chain up close and that personal – so good on ya, buddy!) Anyway, scratched, torn, bitten and chewed on, he still managed to get himself to a hospital where they stitched him back together. Damn!
The thing is though, this man is suddenly on top of the testosterone ladder. He’s got the best after-dinner story of all time.
“So, Bob, what do you do?”
“I’m an accountant and in my spare time … I kill mountain lions – with my bare hands!”
0r
“You’re lookin’ pretty fit there, Bob. You work out?”
“Yeah, I do a little jogging and … kill mountain lions – with my bare hands!”
I don’t even know the guy and I’d buy him a couple of beers just to hear the story.
It might be the middle of winter — snowy, cold and miserable — but never mind the weather: it’s been a weird week. And it’s a safe bet there’s going to be a few more before spring. So, sit back, pour a hot beverage of your choice and enjoy them!
WD Fyfe 