10 Travel Tips (Plus 1)

airport

I love the art of travel.  (Have I mentioned we’re in Italy?)   Anyway, here are a few travel tips I’ve picked up that may help you in your journey.

Packing – Don’t start too early, or you’ll pack a bunch of crap you don’t need.  The accepted rule is 1) pack your suitcase; 2) pour an adult beverage; 3) take out the golf umbrella, the snowsuit, one swimsuit, the extra evening gown and four pairs of shoes; 4) bring the wine to the suitcase; 5) dump everything on the bed; 6) look at the mess you’ve made; 7) cry; 8) finish the wine and throw whatever clothes you can into the suitcase ‘cause your flight leaves in 4 hours.

Stuff you’re going to forget – Subconsciously, you didn’t want to bring it anyway.

Foreign languages – Wherever you’re going, learn to say hi, goodbye, please, thank you, where and how much in the local lingo.  After that, you can get by with a series of gestures, grunts, moans, puzzled facial expressions and pantomime.  Practice in front of a mirror.  (A dog ate my passport is particularly difficult.)

Foreign languages (Part Deux) – Don’t learn too much, and make sure your accent sucks.  If you’re too good at simple phrases such as “Where is the toilet?” the locals may answer you with detailed instructions– and then you’re screwed.

Money — The accepted rule is 1) make a stack of money (5 cm is a good start); 2) pour an adult beverage; 3) double the stack; 4) pour another adult beverage; 5) go all in and remortgage the house.

Airport Security – Don’t sweat the details.  At least you’re not totally naked – yet.

The flight – Getting trapped for 9 hours in a giant aluminum cylinder with a bunch of strangers is no fun.  However, if you can survive that, cobblestones, art galleries that never end, food that looks like it’s already been eaten and the surly waiter who brought it are no problem.

The Hotel – Of course it doesn’t look like the website!  (What are you — a child?)

Sightseeing — After you arrive at your destination, the accepted rule is 1) make a list of all the things you want to see; 2) pour an adult beverage; 3) burn the list.

Souvenirs – Aunt Mamie doesn’t want another snow globe of the Vatican.  That piece of the Berlin Wall – isn’t.  And the miniature Eiffel Tower that plays La Marseillaise whenever the wind blows is going to annoy the hell out of you in three months.

And finally:

Passports – Always remember that when you start to look like your passport photo — go home!

 

We’re Going To Florence

florence

We’re going to Florence!  No, not the state prison in Florence, Arizona – the real one – Firenze, Italy.  We were there a couple of years ago, but I had tendonitis so bad I could taste it, so I didn’t do a lot of walking – and Florence is a walking town.  It was built on the medieval model, narrow twisty streets, fountains and churches – great for 21st century tourists.  But Florence has one big advantage over the rest of Europe.  Back in the day, say, 500 years ago, there was a perfect storm.  A bunch of rich and ruthless capitalists wanted to demonstrate their power and a bunch of talented young artists wanted to showcase their exciting new ideas.  When they met, and discussed the possibilities, Florence became the maternity ward of the Renaissance.  And I’ve got a month to see it, up close and personal.  (Honestly, I’m not sure whose ghost I want to find first — Cosimo de’ Medici’s or Michelangelo’s)

Anyway, aside from putting on the brag, I said all this to say this blog is going to suffer – badly.  First of all, I’m going to be busy.  (There’s a bunch of wine and bruschetta with my name on it, waiting for me.)  Second, I’m not a travel writer.  (Believe me! I’ve tried.)  And thirdly, WiFi in Europe is hit-and-miss (Europeans love their phones.)  I’m going to keep things rolling but ….  So, gentle reader, if there are a few hiccups here and there please be patient, I’d appreciate it.  And, BTW, if anybody’s in the neighbourhood, the first glass is on me.

 

Food Heretics!

kitkatFor centuries, burning heretics at the stake was a perfectly acceptable practice.  Unfortunately, in recent history (400 years or so) it has fallen out of favour.  Too bad!  I think we should resurrect this little community activity, and get rid of one of the most undesirable members of our society – the food heretic.  These are people who cause anguish and consternation among all good and decent people by refusing to follow accepted gastronomic doctrine.  Here are a few examples:

Ketchup on eggs – Mother Nature has provided her children with the perfect food.  In fact, except for that pesky cholesterol (the bogeyman of the 21st century) eggs have all the nutrients humans need to survive – and they taste good.   So why would anyone drown them in faux pas tomato sauce?  Ketchup is for fries only – FRIES ONLY!  Besides, ketchup on eggs looks totally gross – like somebody just murdered a canary.

Opening snacks from the bottom of the bag/box – There are people (I’ve known a few) who don’t give a damn which end of the package they open.  It’s as if they don’t understand that top is always above bottom.  This is a law of physics as well as linguistics.  For God’s sake!  The writing on the package is upside down.  UPSIDE DOWN!  How can you even enjoy your snack, ya damn hoodlum?

Cutting pizza into squares – Since the days of Romulus and Remus, pizza has been cut into triangles.  TRIANGLES!  Okay, if you’re in Italy, you can eat your pizza with a knife and fork (When in Rome, etc, etc.) but everywhere else in the world, circles are cut into triangles so everyone gets an equal share.  This is a basic rule of geometry.  Sometimes I wonder how we ever even got to the Moon!

Milk in the bowl before the cereal – There are people who do this to children.  CHILDREN!  I have no words for this godawful habit.

Buttering toast with a sharp knife – Sharp knives are for cutting things; dull knives are for spreading things.  If you absolutely must, you can cut your toast with a dull knife, but never, under any circumstances, stick a sharp knife in the butter.  NEVER!  People who are capable of that are capable of anything – theft, arson, extortion, socks and sandals, Hawaiian shirts with lederhosen?  There’s just no end to it.

But the worst:

Randomly biting a KitKat™ — Since 1935, first Rowntree’s and now Nestle have been making KitKat bars to a specific standard.  In those 80 plus years, this cute little snack has spread all over the world and mutated into a plethora of flavours — including soy sauce, sake and banana.  And every minute of every day, someone, somewhere is carefully breaking a KitKat apart and eating it properly.  Yet, every once in a while, a wild-eyed anarchist will rip open the package and just take a bite.  A RANDOM BITE!  And people are surprised that some religious nutbars are calling these The Final Days?