Let’s Fix The World!

fix the world

Let’s face it, folks!  We’re screwed — like totally.  Western society is in an unholy hole, and every time some bright-bulb-somebody shows up with a shovel and tries to fix things, they just end up digging us in a little deeper.  In my lifetime, the poor have gotten poorer, the hungry have gotten hungrier and the homeless have gotten — uh — well, you can’t actual get any homelesser, but given the wretched state of things, they probably would be — if it were at all possible.  The point is, we need to do something — yesterday — or we’re going to find out rock bottom has a basement.  Unfortunately, our world has been hijacked by stupid people.  We all know there’s no cure for stupid, but with a little ingenuity, we can limit the ability of these morons to control the agenda.  This is not a quick fix, and it could take a generation or two to get things under control, but if we act now there’s still time to save our society.  Here are three things we need to do immediately, or the next voice we’re going to hear is President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho from Idiocracy, declaring war on asparagus.

1 — We need to make people take a test (and pass it!) before they’re allowed to vote.  Here’s the deal: plumbers have to take a test (and pass it) before they’re allowed to play around with your sewer pipes; electricians have to take a test before they’re allowed to install a light switch; even cab drivers have to take a test before their allowed to drive you home from the bar.  Yet, when it comes to politics and selecting the folks who are actually going to run the world, we abandon all due diligence and let every dumbass who can make an ‘X’ have a say — an equal say, BTW.  No wonder most of our leaders have nice hair, good teeth and no brains.

2 — We need to make people who want to become parents go to Parenting School.  Here’s the deal: if you want to be a teacher and teach kids, you have to go to school.  If you want to open a Day Care and look after kids, you have to go to school.  Hell, in some places if you want to be an occasional babysitter — you have to go to school.  Yet, if you want to become a parent and be totally — 100% — responsible for a helpless child’s comfort, nutrition, safety and education, their physical, psychological, moral and spiritual wellbeing, and work diligently 24/7 for 18 years (without a day off) to turn them into responsible adults — all you have to do is have one too many tequilas, let a foot massage get out of hand and 9 months later — Shazam! — you’re a parent.  Does this make any sense?  Letting a bunch of people who haven’t got a clue about life have kids and pass their cluelessness on to the next generation is what’s exponentially killing our society.

But first — before we do all that:

3 — We need to take the warning labels off everything.  This is Darwinism at its best, and it might be exactly what our world needs right now.

How Did She Know — Answers

mystery

We have a winner.  In fact, we have two!  Of all the entries to this week’s mind-baffling puzzles (and, there were quite a few) there were only two who got all three correct.  Amazing?  Not so!  These were tough.  So, our judges (me) decided both exceptional people deserved a prize.  The winners are
Michael from Pennsylvania
and
Sandra from Saskatchewan

Congratulations!  And congratulations to all the other people who tried; your brains must be really tired now.  So here are the answers:

1 – Danielle is having dinner in an expensive restaurant.  She finishes the meal and orders dessert and coffee.  The server brings her cheesecake and a cup of coffee.  Unfortunately, as Danielle is stirring her coffee, she discovers there’s a fly in the cup.  She calls the server back and points out the fly.  The server apologizes profusely and takes the cup and saucer away.  Danielle waits to eat her cheesecake, and in a couple of minutes, the server returns and sets her coffee down.  She lifts up her fork to cut the cheesecake, takes a sip of her coffee  and shouts across the restaurant:
“What are you trying to pull!  This is the same coffee — you just picked the fly out!”

How did she know?

Danielle put sugar in her coffee.  That’s why she was stirring it when she discovered the fly.  When she tasted it, a second time, it was already sweet.  (FYI, Danielle got her meal for free.)

2 – Celeste goes to a business conference in a distant city.  At the end of the first day, she and her colleagues check into a hotel.  Before they go to their rooms, they all agree to meet back in the bar later for drinks.  Celeste is the first to leave the group.  She goes to her room, unpacks her suitcase, has a shower, gets ready and is about to leave to meet her new friends when there’s a knock on the door.  Celeste looks through the security peephole and sees a man she doesn’t recognize, in a dark blue business suit.  She opens the door and, with a startled look on his face, the man politely says:
“I’m terribly sorry; I thought this was my room.  Please excuse me.”
Then he turns and Celeste sees him walk away toward the elevator.  She immediately closes the door and calls hotel security who apprehend a notorious thief in the lobby.

How did she know?

Nobody knocks on their own hotel room door.  (FYI, Celeste got a Good Citizen medal from the local police.)

3 – When Detective Isabel Chambers arrives on the scene, there is a dead man splattered on the street– in front of a hotel with only three windows.  The windows are on the 7th, 8th and 9th floors.  The hotel manager says no-one has gone into the hotel since the accident.  He also tells Officer Chambers that the elevator and stairs are on the other side of the building and there is no access to the roof.  There are two witnesses, a couple walking their dog.  They tell Officer Chambers:
“We didn’t see which window the man jumped out of; we only saw him fall.”
Officer Chambers thanks the couple and goes into the hotel.  She goes to the 7th floor, walks into the room, lights a cigarette, looks around, opens the window, looks down at the body and drops the cigarette.  She watches it fall.  Then she takes the stairs to the 8th floor.  She walks into the room, lights a cigarette, looks around, opens the window, looks down at the body and drops the cigarette.  Again, she watches it fall.  Then she goes to the 9th floor.  She walks into the room, lights a cigarette, looks around, opens the window, looks down at the body and drops the cigarette.  And again, she watches it fall.  All three cigarettes fall within 5 cm. of the body.

Later, when Officer Chambers is examining the body, the couple with the dog say: “It’s such a shame that poor man committed suicide.”
Officer Chambers replies:
“This wasn’t suicide; this was murder.”

How did she know?

All three windows were closed.  If the man committed suicide, he couldn’t have closed the window.  (FYI, the murderer was the hotel manager and Officer Isabel has since quit smoking.)

Puzzles — How Did She Know?

mystery

I grew up with sisters, so I know women are analytical, logical and super- smart.  Here are three tales of intelligent women who were very quick to figure things out.  Check and see if you’re as smart as they are from the information their stories provide.  Please DON’T post your answers in the comments, even under SPOILER ALERT.  If you seriously want to play, use “Contact Me.”  The first and only prize (to the first 3 right answers) is a signed copy of The Woman in the Window.  Good luck!

1 – Danielle is having dinner in an expensive restaurant.  She finishes the meal and orders dessert and coffee.  The server brings her cheesecake and a cup of coffee.  Unfortunately, as Danielle is stirring her coffee, she discovers there’s a fly in the cup.  She calls the server back and points out the fly.  The server apologizes profusely and takes the cup and saucer away.  Danielle waits to eat her cheesecake, and in a couple of minutes, the server returns and sets her coffee down.  She lifts up her fork to cut the cheesecake, takes a sip of her coffee  and shouts across the restaurant:
“What are you trying to pull!  This is the same coffee — you just picked the fly out!”

How did she know?

Hint: Danielle wasn’t wearing lipstick.

2 – Celeste goes to a business conference in a distant city.  At the end of the first day, she and her colleagues check into a hotel.  Before they go to their rooms, they all agree to meet back in the bar later for drinks.  Celeste is the first to leave the group.  She goes to her room, unpacks her suitcase, has a shower, gets ready and is about to leave to meet her new friends when there’s a knock on the door.  Celeste looks through the security peephole and sees a man she doesn’t recognize, in a dark blue business suit.  She opens the door and, with a startled look on his face, the man politely says:
“I’m terribly sorry; I thought this was my room.  Please excuse me.”
Then he turns and Celeste sees him walk away toward the elevator.  She immediately closes the door and calls hotel security who apprehend a notorious thief in the lobby.

How did she know?

3 – When Detective Isabel Chambers arrives on the scene, there is a dead man splattered on the street– in front of a hotel with only three windows.  The windows are on the 7th, 8th and 9th floors.  The hotel manager says no-one has gone into the hotel since the accident.  He also tells Officer Chambers that the elevator and stairs are on the other side of the building and there is no access to the roof.  There are two witnesses, a couple walking their dog.  They tell Officer Chambers:
“We didn’t see which window the man jumped out of; we only saw him fall.”
Officer Chambers thanks the couple and goes into the hotel.  She goes to the 7th floor, walks into the room, lights a cigarette, looks around, opens the window, looks down at the body and drops the cigarette.  She watches it fall.  Then she takes the stairs to the 8th floor.  She walks into the room, lights a cigarette, looks around, opens the window, looks down at the body and drops the cigarette.  Again, she watches it fall.  Then she goes to the 9th floor.  She walks into the room, lights a cigarette, looks around, opens the window, looks down at the body and drops the cigarette.  And again, she watches it fall.  All three cigarettes fall within 5 cm. of the body.

Later, when Officer Chambers is examining the body, the couple with the dog say: “It’s such a shame that poor man committed suicide.”
Officer Chambers replies:
“This wasn’t suicide; this was murder.”

How did she know?

Answers on Friday