Normally, living in the 21st century is a bundle of fun. It’s an hilarious existence — with politicians, celebrities, journalists and a ton of regular folk writing pee-your-pants comedy for us on a daily basis. However, every once in a while, it just gets old. I think it’s the relentless silliness of it — like too many Jim Carrey movies. The utter nonsense, day after day after day, just wears a person out. When I was young, my mother used to say, “I’m not tired today, dear, I’m weary … in my bones.” It took me many years to figure out what she meant. So, today, here are a few things I’m weary of … in my bones.
Awareness — I’m tired of everybody and his friend “raising awareness.” Who the hell on this planet isn’t aware of poverty, or cancer, or AIDS or the plight of the homeless? Ask anybody!
“Hey, buddy! Are you aware of the plight of the homeless?”
“The who?”
“The homeless! People with no place to live. ”
“Nope, it’s not ringing any bells.”
“People who live on the streets. The homeless!”
“Sorry, never heard of ’em.”
“Raising awareness.” is the crack cocaine of slacktavists.
Young Environmentalists — Look, ya little Green Meanie! My generation didn’t ruin the environment; yours did. I’m not even going to give you chapter and verse on this one: the litany of your sins is too long. But here’s one example: when I was a kid, we had a telephone. It sat on the wall and the whole family used it for nearly 20 years — never replaced/never repaired. My friend’s granddaughter isn’t even 18 yet, and she’s had four different phones (that I know of.) Each one of them was manufactured in Asia, wrapped in plastic, put in a box, transported to North America on an oil-guzzling cargo ship, unloaded onto a diesel-swilling train and taken half away across the continent. Then it was loaded onto a fossil-fuel-eating truck and driven to the store. Do the math!
The Anti-Christian Crusade — I’m not particularly religious, but I’m totally tired of evangelistic atheists constantly trying to covert me. You anti-Christians are worse than Jehovah’s Witnesses! Personally, I’m overjoyed that you have this incredible insight into the workings of the entire universe. Good for you! However, reminding people, at every turn, how idiotic they are to believe in God is just way too preachy for me. Here’s an idea. If you’re so convinced that God doesn’t exist, why don’t you go find some Muslims? Pester them and see how far it gets ya!
Blaming Me For Everything — I’m an old, heterosexual, white male — and I’m mortally tired of getting blamed for everything that’s wrong with this world.
Many of my friends believe I hate celebrities. I don’t; I just think most of them are assholes. Actually, I don’t even have a philosophical problem with the cult of celebrity. Like it or not, it’s a serious part of our social structure and always has been. For example, in the 1840s, the pianist, Franz Liszt, was mobbed wherever he went. People fainted at his concerts, and fans fought over bits of his clothing. Heinrich Heine called the phenom ” Lizstomania.” (Sound familiar?) My point is we worship celebrities ’cause it’s fun. It’s sexy. It’s a chance to dance with the kind of charisma that’s normally just doesn’t occur in our day-to-day lives.
We finally made it. Summer is officially over. Once again, humanity has survived Mother Nature’s cunning plan to kill us all with soul- searing heat, mind-poaching humidity and the choking smoke of a billion barbeques. Pat yourself on the back, folks. But don’t get complacent ’cause it ain’t over yet. Believe it or not, there are people in this world who love summer and lament its passing. Yes, I know: it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Unfortunately, these folks just don’t know how to act once the temperature drops below broil. Personally, I tolerate these misguided creatures, but many people don’t. So, as the sun slowly fades south, if you’re still wearing flip-flops, here are a few helpful hints so that we can all live together in harmony this autumn.
WD Fyfe 