Netflix, You Ignorant Slut

netflixThere’s no way in hell Adam Sandler should be Adam Sandler.  He should be that guy you meet in Vegas who’s sellin’ patio furniture and Amway breast implants.  The same guy who wants to get together with “you and the Mrs.” to talk about franchising opportunities, and whose business card has ‘Notary Public’ printed on the back — ’cause he’s got that goin’ on, too.  In other words he should be just another cheap hustler who, once upon a time, was in some movies.  But he isn’t.  He’s Adam Sandler and, for no apparent reason, he’s still making movies. And he’s worth a boatload of money.  WTF?

It’s not as if Sandler was a good actor (comic or otherwise.)  Basically he’s got one, and only one, comedy shtick — Bad Little Kid.  The rest of his cinematic career is based on yelling, fart jokes and blatant product placement.  His production company, Happy Madison, makes terrible movies. That’s what they do; they don’t do anything else.  These horrors are too numerous to name but That’s My Boy, The Cobbler and Jack and Jill immediately come to mind.  Actually, Jack and Jill is considered one of the worst movies ever produced (in all of history) and what Sandler did to Al Pacino in that piece of trash oughtta be illegal.

The thing is, though, a lot of people go to Sandler’s movies.  They actually pay money — millions and millions of dollars — to see Sandler and his buddies yell, fart, drink Coke™, and eat KFC™.  I don’t know why, but they do.  In fact, Grownups (a study in very bad slapstick) was such a roaring financial success Sandler made another movie just like it — with the imaginative title Grownups 2 — and it made tons of money, also.

So, here’s the problem.  Even though, philosophically, I don’t think Adam Sandler should be allowed within 10 kilometres of a movie set, I’ve got nothing against him making bad movies or tons of money.  Knock yourself out, Mr. Sandler.  My problem is Netflix has signed a four-movie deal with the guy.  Netflix!  These are the folks who gave us River, Occupied, The Bridge (in Swedish) Dicte, Wallander, Broadchurch and on and on and on.  Now, you’re paying Adam Sandler to make movies for our viewing pleasure?  I wish sarcasm had a font.  OMG! — Netflix Originals — Grace and Frankie, Orange Is The New Black, Jessica Jones and right up there on the same marquee Adam Sandler’s latest comic adventure where somebody gets nailed in the crotch with a garden rake.  My cup runneth over.