I took a little local flak for Tuesday’s (January 24, 2017) post, “I Love Getting Old.” The general consensus was, “Hey, (descriptive derogatory noun deleted) gettin’ old isn’t all beer and skittles, ya know.” This is true. So, in the interests of fair play, here are a few things about getting old that aren’t so nice.
1 — You forget things — a lot of things. The days of keeping phone numbers, addresses, birthdays, bank accounts and a grocery list in your head are over. You’re lucky if you can remember why you just walked into the kitchen. The thing I hate the most about memory loss is you can almost remember stuff — but nope — it ain’t there. For example, sometimes when you see a familiar face you can’t quite remember how you know that person. Or sometimes you can conjure the face in your mind but you haven’t got a clue what the name is — and that includes famous people like Albert Einstein or that fat Brit who sang at Diana’s funeral.
2 — Your body betrays you. This is the worst. All those little aches and pains that weren’t there yesterday — in places you didn’t even know you had. But the real problem is you have no idea which ones are Get-Thee-To-A-Hospital-Immediately and which ones are Cowboy-Up-Ya-Wimp. And that means you’re either going to spend the rest of your days reading out-dated National Geographic magazines at the doctor’s office or die naked in the shower because you didn’t.
3 — Mirrors are the enemy. It’s not just changing rooms that hate you. First thing in the morning looks like Night of the Living Dead, and last thing at night looks like you might not make it ’til morning. Even shop windows on a cloudy day can scare the hell out of you.
4 — Cute. This is a major problem. Mother Nature provided us with natural defences against bratty kids and vicious little dogs. Unfortunately, as you get older, everything under 3 feet tall just looks so damn cute that you spend a lot of time getting bitten on the ankles and putting up with yappy dogs.
5 — It turns out all the TV programs you loved as a kid actually suck.
6 — Modern music all sounds like the Klingon Wedding Song for bassoon, drums and base guitar.
But the very worst thing about getting old is:
7 — You’ve had the misfortune of living long enough to see the Red Sox win the World Series!
I’ve said “I love getting old” so many times that people think I’m being ironic. Folks, do I even look like a hipster? Don’t get me wrong: being young was fun. Wine, women and song: sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll — whatever you want to call it, being a young man in the 20th century was worth the price of puberty. However, there are some seriously cool perks available when you’ve lasted long enough to get north of 60, ’cause if you do it right, old people are just pre-schoolers with porno and alcohol privileges. Here’s what I mean:
To everybody but me, my life right now looks like lazy. However, in actual fact, I’m quite busy — engaging in that age-old tradition — Avoidance Behaviour. As any practicing procrastinator will tell you, Avoidance Behaviour is an essential part of getting anything done. It’s all the dickin’ around you do between the time you decide on a task and the night before the deadline. However, Avoidance Behaviour is not simply wasting time there are three very important standards which govern the practice.
WD Fyfe 