Tag: Christmas

Christmas: What Not to Give

Is it too early to talk about Christmas?  Three weeks?  I think not.

Over the years, I’ve gotten some totally cool Christmas presents.  I’m talking about stuff that would humble a lesser man.  However, every couple of years, like everybody else who keeps a more-or-less traditional Christmas, I’ve gotten some of the stupidest presents on record.  These majestically inappropriate pieces of junk have come from everybody from casual acquaintances (who felt obligated to buy me “something”) to my mother.  And every one of them has literally screamed WTF!

They say “Christmas is about giving” and “It’s the thought that counts.”  So in the spirit of these homespunisms I’ve put together a list (in no particular order) of the worst possible Christmas gifts.  And don’t be confused: these are not just ha-ha-ha, bad gifts these are gifts no person should ever give another human being at Christmas – like never!

Diet Books — Nothing says, “I think you’re fat” faster than Fergie’s 30 Day Cheesecake Diet or How to Lose Weight and Influence People.  I don’t care how BFF you might think you are, suggesting people are porkers — at any time of the year — is a major faux pas.

Esoteric Cooking Utensils — Those “funky” housewares shops that all the Urban Professionals rave about are loaded with these little gadgets – melon ballers, orange zesters, corn cob holders and on and on.  The problem is most of these things are useless, and some of them are so specialized that even Cordon Bleu French Chefs have no idea what they’re used for.  Giving these to your friends will only turn them into a pack of liars.  “No!  Really!  I use it all the time.”

Homemade Crap — Unless your name is Martha Stewart or Norm Abrams, gifts2don’t even go there.  Your friends will feel obligated to display it or use it and then, after they throw it in the trash, will never invite you to their house again — in case you notice.

Obvious Re-gifts — Somebody is going to guess that Seinfeld: The Complete 5th Season with Bonus Blooper DVD was something you got for your birthday several years ago – especially when it doesn’t have the cellophane on it and the itty bitty Puffy Shirt is missing.

The Book of Awesome, in any of its incarnations.  This kid was the Jason (Justin?) Bieber of written pop culture, and no matter how trendy you might think he still is, even the yard sales aren’t taking his nonsense anymore.

Fruit Cake — My mother once gave me a fruit cake.  I gave it to a friend who said he liked fruit cake.  He didn’t really like fruit cake; he was just being polite.  He gave it to his sister in Philadelphia.  She passed in on to an ex-roommate at Chapel Hill.  As far as I know, it has since been travelling around the southern United States like some seasonal Flying Dutchman — forever cursed to wander the Earth until Judgement Day when anyone who ever touched it is doomed.

Any tech stuff with an apple on it — First of all, that crap costs three times as much as anything else on the market that’s twice as good.  Secondly, by the time you get it wrapped and under the tree, Apple will have already introduced a newer version that’s two nano-millimetres shorter.  Thirdly, whatever you buy will have exactly the same functions as the thing the person already owns.  And finally, Apple is living on lawsuits and its reputation; the creative light went out of that company a couple of years ago.

giftsSeasonal Attire — While I agree that nothing says Christmas like the cable-knit Santa Claus sweater vest, it’s not your job to make your brother-in-law look like a jackass.  His mother-in-law will do that for you.  And the candy cane thong thing is just wrong.

Anything from the “Awesome Gifts for Under $20.00” list — Two scented candles or an acrylic peppermill are the best way I know of bluntly telling people they’re over the horizon in your social circle.  Rather than emphasizing the point, you’re better off just sending a card and leaving it at that.

Oversized Art Books — Once called coffee table books, these dinosaurs haven’t been in vogue since Rob and Laura Petrie got divorced.  They are the ultimate pain in the ass because they’re too nice to just throw away and too “oversized” to fit on any book shelf.  So they end up cluttering up the living room and your friends look like your dumbass cousins who “casually” leave “smart” books hanging around — even though they think Vettriano is an after-dinner wine.

Finally, and most importantly, never, under any circumstances, give your dog, cat, budgie or iguana, reindeer antlers, elf hats or Santa Claus beards.  This is just cruel.  Your pets don’t know it’s Christmas, and they trust you not to make them appear foolish.  If you do, you are exactly the kind of power-mad Grinch Christmas was put on this Earth to eliminate.  Furthermore, I hope you get nothing in your stocking but diet books and fruit cake.

Christmas is a time for giving.  With a little forethought and these simple guidelines your gift could be the talk of the turkey table.  Only three weeks left.

How Edward the Mouse Found Christmas

 

C. Bourcier

It was one night from Christmas, and Edward the mouse
Was dreaming mouse dreams in his tiny mouse house.
He dreamt of his presents tucked under the tree:
A skateboard, an iPad and an Android 3G
Some new Uggs, Adidas and Old Navy jeans,
Just like all of the ads that he’d seen on TV
Little mouse trains and hi-def PVRs
Posters and iPods and little mouse cars.
He snuggled in bed as on his dream went,
For his e-mail to Santa had been promptly sent.
And to help Santa’s weight, he left five carrots sticks
And sugar-free soda to wash them down with.

Now Edward the mouse wasn’t greedy, you see,
But he’d been a good mouse (or at least, tried to be)
He’d done everything right and taken great care.
Now Christmas was here and he wanted his share.

Then the digital clock that sat by his head
Shone midnight, and Edward awoke in his bed.
The oddest of sounds, thought Edward, and then
He listened quite hard and he heard it again.
It sounded like someone was out by the tree,
So Edward got out of his bed just to see.
He tiptoed around and he took just one peek
And what he saw there would make any mouse squeak:
Santa Claus! – was holding one carrot stick out
To one of his reindeer who chomped it right down
“Oh my Gosh!” said Edward the mouse right out loud
When Santa heard that – well, he turned right around
And said, “What have we here?  A mouse has slipped in.”
And the reindeer walked over and casually sniffed him.
Now Edward was frightened – he felt rather sick,
But Santa said, “Thank you for these carrot sticks.
My reindeer quite like them, as you probably know.
Myself, I like milk and fudge Oreos.
Now Edward mouse, you should be in your bed,
Not sneaking around here and squeaking instead.
But since you’re awake, come here and you’ll see
What present I’ll leave for you under the tree.”
Then Santa reached over and pulled from his sack
Gourmet Cheese in the Holiday Pack!
It had Muenster and Gouda and Natural Swiss
And one small salami (for flavour, I guess)
Edam and cheddar and something called Brie,
And little wheat crackers to go with the cheese.
It was wonderfully made and wrapped ever so nice,
Especially packaged for yuppies — and mice.
But Edward the mouse just stood there in shock.
This was nothing his little mouse mind ever thought:
No iPod?  No skateboard?  No Android 3G
So where was his Smart Phone? Oh, what could this mean?
He’d been a good mouse (or at least, tried to be.)
This was supposed to be Christmas all magic and dreams,
And Edward the mouse didn’t know what to say.
But Santa Claus smiled in his own special way.
He looked down at Edward and patted his head,
Twinkled his eyes, and quietly said,
“I know that you’ve seen all those ads on TV,
But what would a mouse do with Old Navy jeans?
The legs are too long and the pockets too deep.
Now I have to go, and you have to sleep

And on Christmas morning, Edward the mouse,
Got out of his bed in his tiny mouse house.
He ran for the tree and looked at his cheese
And never could ever a mouse be so pleased:
‘There’s more than enough cheese for me,” Edward said
“I’ll take it all out and share with my friends!
I’ll give them the Gouda, and Edam is nice.
Oh, they’ll be so pleased; they’ll be such happy mice!”
So he grabbed all the cheese and he left — just like that
(Of course, he remembered his coat and his hat)

But as he rushed out with the cheese he would share,
He’d forgotten the stocking he’d hung with such care.
So happy to give, our mouse didn’t know
There was one mouse-sized skateboard tucked into the toe.

Merry Christmas

Christmas Trivia

Any Laplander will tell you that all reindeer have antlers.  However, they will also tell you that male reindeer lose their antlers in late November or early December, whereas female reindeer do not lose their antlers until spring.  Therefore, the reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh are all female – including Rudolph.  There were originally eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.  Rudolph was added in 1939 when Robert L May created a colouring book for retailer Montgomery Ward to give away at Christmas.  The book told the now familiar story of Rudolph and how he came to guide Santa’s sleigh.  Ten years later, in 1949, Gene Autry had finished colouring all the pictures, so he decided to record a song based on the Rudolph story.  “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was an instant hit, and Rudolph has been around ever since.

“Frosty the Snowman” was written by Jack Rollins and Steve Nelson in 1950, for Gene Autry, who wanted to follow up the success of “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer” from the previous year.

Originally, there was one other reindeer in Santa’s team pulling the sleigh on Christmas Eve.  Unfortunately he became bitter and belligerent, so Santa had to take appropriate disciplinary action.  His name was Dinner.

The names of The Three Wise Men are Gaspar, Melchoir and Balthasar not Manny, Moe and Jack as some TV ads would lead you to believe.  However, if you want to astound your friends with your Christmas knowledge or win drinks at any pub in the world just ask the question; Which Wise Man brought which gift?  The answer is Melchoir brought gold, Balthasar brought frankincense and Gaspar, who, like most of us left his Christmas shopping to the last minute, brought myrrh (whatever that is.)

The traditional Christmas poinsettia originally came from Mexico.  It was first brought to the United States by Joel Poinsett in the 1820s.  Even after all these years, the name is still almost universally mispronounced.

Santa Claus actually lives in Canada.  He has his own address and postal code.  It’s Santa Claus, North Pole, Canada, H0H 0H0.  If you write to him he will reply in whatever language your letter is written in.  Try it!

Although, under various aliases, Santa Claus is claimed by a number of countries he is, in fact, a Canadian citizen.  On December 23rd, 2008, the Canadian government’s Minister of Citizenship, Jason Kenney, declared, “The Government of Canada wishes Santa the very best in his Christmas Eve duties and wants to let him know that, as a Canadian Citizen, he has the automatic right to re-enter Canada once his trip around the world is complete.”

Like most of the cool Christmas traditions, candy canes come from Germany.  They started out, in the late 17th century, as white sticks of candy given to children to keep them quiet during the long and infinitely boring Christmas church services.  Many people believe candy canes are bent so they could hang on the Christmas tree.  Originally, however, the canes were bent to resemble a shepherd’s crook and so calm the objections of stodgy old churchmen who didn’t want kids having candy in church.

If you’re trapped in Dublin at Christmas, “Merry Christmas” in Irish is “Nollaig Shona Dhuit” but I have no idea how to pronounce it.

Oddly enough, Mrs. Claus does not have a first name; nor, for that matter does any of the elves.

Canada was the first country to issue Christmas stamps — in 1898.

Nova Scotia exports more Christmas trees than anywhere else in the world.

The reason that relentless movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, is on TV so much is that television stations don’t have to pay for it.  Apparently, when it was made, there was a mix-up in the contracts, so nobody who worked on the film — including the actors — ever gets residuals.

It is a well known fact that the stupid “Little Drummer Boy” (who was put on this earth to annoy me) has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  The real little drummer boy was a pickpocket and sneak thief who fell in with the Three Wise Men in order to gain their confidence and eventually rob them.  He was already a hardened criminal by that time and had a list of previous offences as long as the Ohio River.  He was caught with his hand in the frankincense jar and sentenced to 10 years’ hard labour — which is exactly what the treacherous little bugger deserved.

Did you know?  There was once a dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Christmas Quotes

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
“All Christmas trees are perfect.” – Charles N Barnard
“It’s not the gift, but the thought that counts.” – Henry Van Dyke (Dick and Jerry’s other brother?)
“Christmas is a whispered conspiracy of love.” – Anon
“Nothing is as mean as giving a child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
“Santa is very jolly ‘cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.” – Dennis Miller
“Bah! Humbug!” — Ebenezer Scrooge
“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash