A Child’s Christmas in Saskatchewan

child christmasWhen I was a kid, winter was a cold white dragon, sleeping on the earth.  We could feel his sharp breath in our noses when we walked, bundled like Shackletons, down the long blocks to Mayfair School.  In the afternoon, we would hurry home in the settling darkness, crunch-step quiet, in case we woke him and he caught us far from our fires.  We knew he was there: slumber frozen, waiting to rise and fly at us, howling at our windows, scratching to get in.  No Jack Frost blithe spirit lived in our town; only the dragon, cunning and cold.  We had felt his sleet-sharp talons and had seen his icicle teeth.

But we were children, and children play, like laughter dancing on the wind.  Too cold for snowmen or snowballs, we made soaring angels, etched into the ground, walked tractor tracks on the neighbours’ lawn and hand shovelled frontier fortresses that never got done.  We skated at school and played four-boy hockey under the silvery lights of our night-barren street.  And we went sledding in the cold sunshine on a long Hudson Bay toboggan, old roped and so plank heavy it needed two older sisters to pull us.  And flew earth-bound on The Flying Saucer, a scoop of shiny round kick-dented metal that twirled and hurled us down the low prairie hills as fast as a scream.

And winter was books.  Library heavy, we trudged them home on Saturday morning, like eager travellers, our documents stamped by sensible women in thick-soled shoes, who handed them back with earnest accord.  They were precious passports to foreign lands where children were clever and had gardens and mysteries.  And later, in the deadly Canadian night that howled out loud, just outside, we tucked into pillows, and pajama-warm, called on our friends to come out and play.  And in the long dark, book marked and waiting, there was Sherlock and Tarzan and young Master Hawkins with “pieces of eight” and “the game was afoot.”  Heidi had goats and Huck sailed down the Mississippi.  And there was Ivanhoe and Mowgli and wild Alan Breck.  And one year, the snow and the cold were so deep we couldn’t go to school, and for one whole magic free day, the sisters read Little Women, out loud in the afternoon sleepy and on into the night.

And winter was thick knit socks and tasty mittens, that we called mitts, not meant for chewing.  They hung on strings to keep them safe.  There were big coats that zipped up tight and hats with flaps; pull-down toques and wrap heavy scarves: boots, never tall enough for the snow, which always crept in over the tops with ice melting fingers that searched for your toes.  They lived on the newspapers spread by the stove, half balanced on their necks and warm in the morning.  And winter was flannel: plaid shirts and pajamas and blue striped sheets with heavy blankets that came to your chin.

And winter was every-morning porridge, bubbling like a stomach ache.  We covered it with brown sugar or thick Rogers syrup that came in a can.  And there was soup that steamed so hot it would fog your glasses and burn your tongue.  It was made of big chunks of everything and pennies of carrots and harvests of lentils and barley and beans.

But mostly winter, at our house, was sweet with exotic smells: bubbling chocolate, pot deep and brown, vanilla, cinnamon and dates that became cakes.  There was coconut and ginger and bubbling raisins poured into tarts; layers of jam and shortbread, hard as hockey and tiny black squares of tough little fudge.  We had nuts, piled in bowls and peppermints and long flat boxes of Black Magic chocolates.  Sometimes, the sugar smell of whiskey, when adults had friends who laughed and told us we’d grown.  But, beyond all the rest, there were Japanese oranges, so rare they came nailed in wooden boxes, like the cargo of Oriental kings.

But none of that was for eating.  It was for Christmas, and when I was a kid, winter was Christmas.

Tuesday: A Child’s Christmas in Saskatchewan II

Christmas and Clausaphobia

santa-clausEvery December, the world is gripped in a pandemic of Clausaphobia – the irrational fear of Santa Claus.  Believe it or not, there are people in this world (normal, rational, reasonable adults) who don’t believe in Santa Claus.  This is sad.  Fortunately, we all know Santa Claus does exist, but for those skeptics out there I will, once again, set the record straight with hard evidence.

Here’s the real story of Santa Claus, based on historical fact.  Santa Claus has been around forever.  He’s known by a number of different names — Sinterklaas in Holland, Father Christmas in Britain, Pere Noel in France etc. etc. — but it’s all the same guy.  He lives at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus (who, oddly enough, doesn’t have a first name) a ton of elves and the reindeer.  All year long, the elves make toys in a gigantic workshop.  Then, once a year, Santa loads up his magic sleigh, hitches up the reindeer (who can fly, BTW) and goes around the world, delivering toys to good girls and boys.  How do I know this?  Documented proof!  Santa Claus has actually been seen – at least three times in the last two centuries.  There are also a few secret contemporary photographs which haven’t been authenticated.  However, let’s just stick to the facts.

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In 1823, Clement Moore, a professor at Columbia College, woke up on Christmas Eve and witnessed Santa Claus delivering toys to his house.  He wrote a poem about his experience, called ‘Twas the Night before Christmas which was published in the Sentinel newspaper in Troy, New York.  In that poem, Moore describes Santa quite accurately.  He also describes the reindeer (miraculously remembering Santa’s names for them) and their ability to fly.  There is some controversy over Moore’s account, however, because he describes “a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer” and goes on to call Santa himself “a right jolly old elf.”  Since we know (from corroborating evidence) that Santa Claus is actually quite a large gentleman, we can only conclude that Clement either didn’t have his glasses on or suffered from an undiagnosed eye ailment.

Santa Claus was next seen by Thomas Nast, sometime in the 1860s.  Nast was a cartoonist and social commentator who gave us, among other things, Uncle Sam, the symbols of both the Republican and Democratic political parties and the term “nasty.”  Obviously, a witness to history like Nast would not let his encounter with Santa Claus go unrecorded.  In the January 3rd, 1863 issue of Harper’s Weekly, Nast drew an illustration of Santa Claus meeting Union troops and passing out gifts during the Civil War.  We know this portrayal to be accurate because Santa Claus appears exactly as Clement Moore described him!  Clearly, these two depictions are of the same person.  Nast seems to have developed a long-term relationship with Santa Claus, because, twenty years later, he drew him again in what looks like a seated portrait.

The next documented sighting of Santa Claus occurred sometime in the late 1920s.  Haddan Sundblom, an advertising artist, must have met Santa on several occasions or even convinced him to, once again, pose for a portrait.  In 1931, Sundblom painted a picture of Santa as an advertisement for the Coca Cola™ Company.  It appeared in the Saturday Evening Post.  Sundblom’s image was immediately and universally recognized as Santa Claus — the same Santa Claus Nast drew 70 years earlier.  In fact, Sundblom’s portrait was so accurate that over the last 80 plus years, not one single person in the entire world has even hinted that this might not be Santa Claus — not one.

These are just three examples that document the truth about Santa Claus.  There are more.

This Christmas, as you celebrate the season of joy, remember that there are those among us who are frightened and confused.  And although education is our best defence against Clausaphobia, don’t confront those who suffer (clausaphobes get very agitated by the truth.)  Accept them.  They are poor unfortunates, and it’s not their fault.  Perhaps, you can make a difference if you just say, in a kindly voice, “You don’t have to believe.  Just write to Santa.  He’ll answer.”
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H0H 0H0

Christmas: The To Don’t List!

ChristmasOnce again, this year, Christmas has snuck up on me.  In two weeks (14 sleeps) Santa Claus is coming down the chimney, and I haven’t decked one hall nor bought one present.  In fact, I’m still sorting the plastic skeletons from Hallowe’en.  Not a good start to the most complicated festival in North America. Fortunately, I have a Christmas To Don’t List that always gets me through the holiday season, and I’m willing to share it with you.

1 – Don’t fight with your family.  Yes, the conditions are just right for a good, old-fashioned family flare-up: you can’t get away; you’re bored out of your skull and Ray’s wife is still the same bitch she always was.  But it’s only for a couple of days, for God’s sake — be nice.  Remember you can ditch your friends if they piss you off, but this is the only family you’re ever going to get — ever — and eventually you’re going to regret being a jerk, so make the best of it.

2 – Don’t tie into the adult beverages like it’s the end of prohibition — pace yourself.  Remember what happened last year.  You got Bob from Shipping under the mistletoe and started looking for his tonsils with your tongue.  You told Bashir, “man-to-man,” that you thought his wife Anna was really hot.  And then you explained to your niece (in detail) that her mother’s first husband was a juggler she married in high school but Nana threatened him with jail time and the marriage was annulled.   None of these drunken revels made for a very holly jolly Christmas, did they?   So use your head and tip the Christmas cheer in moderation.

3 – Don’t get carried away buying presents.  Just because the Three Wise Men brought gold, frankincense and myrrh (what the hell is myrrh, anyway?) that doesn’t mean you have to.  Those credit cards are not a license to go bankrupt.  Use your head: January’s coming.

4 – Don’t deck the halls like Clark W. Griswold.  Yeah, we all love getting into the Christmas spirit, but it’s simply not a good idea to turn your home into an illuminated YouTube sensation.  You have to live with your neighbours the other 11 months of the year. Never forget that.

5 – Don’t eat so damn much!  You’re going to regret it in 6 months when it’s swimsuit season and you look like an ostrich egg on legs.

6 – Don’t watch more than a couple of feel-good holiday movies.  Too much emotional sugar is bad for you, and your perfectly good Christmas is going to appear cheap and tawdry compared to what Bing and Danny accomplished.  And no Martha Stewart until January 15th.

7 – Don’t ever say “Christmas is getting too commercialized.”  You’d just sound like a middle class cliché.

And finally:

8 — Don’t forget Christmas is about loot — the presents you get and the presents you give.  Don’t just buy everybody the same old crap.  Really think about what you’re giving people and why.  And always remember the most precious thing you have to give — or you’re ever going to receive — is time.