I Call Bullshit (Movie Edition)

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This is movie season and I love movies.  However, movie people — writers, producers, directors and such — keep making storyline mistakes that just drive me crazy.  And these aren’t those little esoteric anachronisms that Internet nerds wet their pants over.
(“In Back To the Future, are we expected to believe that Marty McFly can play a Gibson ES 345 guitar in 1955 when they weren’t even produced until 1958?”  Guys!  Relax!  You’ve already accepted the premise that Doc. Brown built a time machine!)

No, it’s not dumb crap like that.  It’s major plot devices that are just plain wrong — good old-fashioned, common-sense wrong.  And I’m 100% certain that movie people know they’re wrong, and they either think the rest of us are idiots, or they don’t give a tinker’s dam what we think.  Let me demonstrate.

Defibrillators do not revive the dead.  Any first year medical school student will tell you that when the patient’s little beep machine goes flatline, the guy’s dead.   End of story.   Nailing him with 50,000 volts isn’t going to bring him back to life; it’s going to cook him!

There is no oxygen in space — none.  Therefore, regardless of how many times you hit the alien ship with phasers, lasers, blasters or proton torpedoes, it’s not gonna explode.  Explosions need oxygen.  Without oxygen, you’re breaking Einstein’s First Theory of You’re A Dumbass.

Airport security doesn’t work that way.  You cannot leave your car parked at the front door of a major international airport and go running across the concourse, chasing the girl of your dreams.  If — IF? — the cops don’t shoot your ass, the best you can hope for is you’ll be tackled by two (or more) burly security guards and get a Full Monty cavity search at what’s commonly called an “undisclosed location.”  And they’re definitely going to tow your car — and probably blow it up in a controlled explosion.

Nobody gets that high.  I don’t care what Seth Rogen says; smoking marijuana will not leave you passed out on a beach, in a different town, holding a koala bear and wearing nothing but a hockey helmet and your girlfriend’s underwear.  Smoke that much dope and you’ll end up hopelessly interested in the length of your toes.

Computer hacking doesn’t work better if you type faster.

I’m no expert, but having sex with your bra on has got to be uncomfortable.  Plus, how horny do you have to be not to take 5 seconds to unhook a bra — especially given the obsession our society has with breasts?  (Just sayin’!)

And there are tons more.  Don’t even get me started on what guns can and cannot do.  But my very favourite is:

Anybody who’s ever driven to work in a major urban centre will tell you a high-speed car chase through the streets of London, Paris, New York, Los Angeles or Lincoln, Nebraska is impossible — not just improbable — impossible.  There are too many cars and not enough roads.  In fact, the average speed in any major city is under 15 kilometres an hour (10 mph in the USA.)  Now hear this, James Bond, Jason Bourne and Ethan Hunt: if you’re at all serious about getting away from the bad guys, try a bicycle!

Trigger Warnings

warningOne of the weirdest phenoms of the 21st century is the “Trigger Warning.”  This is a statement made before news items, blogs, plays, books, stories, opinion pieces, university lectures, movies, TV programs, poems, paintings and pretty much everything else we watch, read or hear.  The purpose is to warn us that whatever is coming next is probably too tough for our fragile emotions to handle, and we should avert our gaze or else we’ll end up huddled in the corner — sobbing.  Personally, I think this is a rather ad hoc way to do business.  We all know life is tough, and if we’ve become such emotional marshmallows we can’t deal with trivial crap like TV programs or someone’s Twitter opinion, maybe it’s time we put “trigger warnings” on life itself.

May I make a few suggestions:

Warning — Normal people disagree with each other.  Sometimes, they will disagree with you.  They are not idiots, evil or part of an international corporate conspiracy.  Please use discretion when dealing with normal people.

Warning — There are hundreds of different cultures in the world.  These cultures exist simultaneously and overlap.  If you are so uncomfortable being white that the overlap causes you feelings of latent liberal guilt, please return to your home and eat Kraft Dinner until they pass.

Warning — Reasonable political discussions may contain material that is not negative, demeaning or derogatory to President Trump.  If you are a journalist or suffer from Trumpophobia, you may want to walk away while the adults are talking.

Warning — Not every person on this planet is your mother.  We are not obligated to cuddle, cajole or care about you.  If this makes you uncomfortable — uh — I don’t care?

Warning — You can’t change history.  If historical names, statues and monuments offend you so much you want to erase them from history or destroy them (a la George Orwell’s 1984) go to Syria — that’s what they’re trying to do there.

Warning — Television is NOT real.  For example, during the fictional story Game of Thrones, Lena Headey was NOT actually raped by her brother.  Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is NOT Ms. Headey’s brother, and he is NOT a rapist.  They are both actors.  Ms. Headey does have a brother but he is NOT a rapist, either.  If make-believe offends you, please do not watch television — except perhaps SpongeBob SquarePants or, maybe, reruns of Friends (Season 1, only.)

Warning — Humour still exists in the world.  If laughing at stupidity, absurdity, the ridiculous and the inane makes you uneasy, please pull the hockey stick out of your ass and quit spoiling it for the rest of us.

Warning — “Trigger Warnings” are bullshit.  If you are an adult and still need someone else to prequalify what you read, watch or hear, please talk to your parents immediately.  Obviously, they didn’t do their job properly, and you might want to start again.

The Wonderful World Of Science

dimesion.jpgWe live in a wonderful scientific age.  In our time, the selective use of science can prove — or disprove — anything we like.  For example, did you know we live right next door to a parallel universe?  We do.  Now, I’m not one of the tinfoil hat brigade.  Nor do I hear voices from across the ether.  What I do have is some pretty compelling evidence that we are not alone in a uni-dimensional universe.  And with a little scientific analysis and some 21st century logic, we can see just how dangerous these beings from “the other side” are.  Let’s look at the facts.

The Socks In The Dryer Conundrum
Evidence — How many time have you put a load of laundry into the dryer, gone back an hour later and discovered you suddenly have a odd number of socks?  It happens all the time — right?  Plus, and this is the weird bit, it’s never bed sheets, blue jeans or pajamas that disappear — only socks.  Clearly, we don’t think the dryer ate the missing socks — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — The only logical explanation is the spinning dryer must create a vortex that allows beings from another dimension to travel here and steal our socks.
Conclusion — These extra-dimensional beings have no regard for the human concept of private property; they’re totally dishonest and they can’t be trusted.  Also, since we know socks come in pairs, they’re probably stealing individual socks for their third foot.  Therefore, we can logically conclude they must have three legs.

The Where Did My Stuff Go? Mystery
Evidence — How many times have you reached for your key, your gloves, your telephone, etc. and discovered the item is missing?  You check all the places it could be, retrace your steps, search the house, the office, the car and still can’t find it.  Then, suddenly, the item reappears in the most unlikely spot.  Clearly, we don’t think the item moved itself — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Since we already know beings from the other dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel (see #1) we can assume that, once again, they are stealing our stuff.  However, why are they giving it back?  Obviously, unlike the socks, they neither need nor want our personal items.
Conclusion — Extra-dimensional beings are taking our things away for analysis and then returning them when they’ve collected the information they need.  This is pure intelligence gathering.  They want to know all about us so they can find our weaknesses.  And since they don’t keep things like key fobs and smart phones, we can logically conclude they are more technologically advanced than we are.  Plus, since we never see the theft (and these beings aren’t — uh — invisible, LOL) we can deduce that they must be extremely fast, which is corroborated by the fact that they have three legs.

But here’s the proof that seals the deal:

The Extra Stuff Enigma
Evidence — How many times have you been looking through a drawer or cupboard and found an electronic cord that doesn’t fit anything, a key without a lock, a lock without a key, plastic container lids that don’t fit any containers, breath mints in the bottom of your pocket, a single battery, pens, pennies, paperclips, the list goes on and on.  We all have this kinda stuff kickin’ around and have no idea where it came from.  Clearly, we don’t think these items just appeared by magic — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Extra-dimensional beings are not only stealing things from us but also leaving things behind.  This is the inter-dimensional equivalent of littering.
Conclusion — Inter-dimensional beings are throwing things out in our dimension because — in their own dimension — the garbage bins are full.  Since we already know their civilization is more advanced than ours (see #2) we can only assume that they have an even bigger waste management crisis than we do.

So let’s put it all together

Super Conclusion — Here are the facts.
1 — Three-legged beings in a parallel dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel.
2 — They have a disregard for private property.
3 — They’re gathering intelligence to discover our weaknesses.
4 — They’re in an environmental crisis.
The only logical conclusion we can come to is our world is being probed by extra-dimensional aliens who are about to invade us and use our planet as a gigantic garbage dump.

Thanks, science!  You’ve done it again!