Stuff We Need — RIGHT NOW!

ideas

Despite the current mess (and everybody squawking about it) we live in the most benevolent society in history.  We have more literacy, less poverty, better health care, better education, better nutrition and easier access to information than at any time since Lucy and her girlfriends decided to take a stroll in Ethiopia, some 3 million years ago.  Unfortunately, we’re not that good at using these benefits to our best advantage – yet.  For example, we wasted tons of money and years of research on Viagra when a little marijuana and some decent porn would have done the trick.  Personally, I think our endless cycle of herbal shampoos, sugar water beverages and bum warmer automobiles has got to stop, and we need to concentrate on things that will really benefit our world.  So, in that vein, here is just some of the stuff we need – RIGHT NOW!

An electronic collar that zaps you if you’ve forgotten something at the grocery store.

A mute button for vegans.  Once a vegan has publically declared their veganness (veganosity?) eight times, they must wear a mute button for the comfort and convenience of the rest of us.

A sexier name for the Covid masks we’re all going to wear.  Might I suggest Cloak of Responsibility?

A universal restraining order against stupid celebrities.  Any celebrity who makes three (3) stupid comments in a calendar month is forbidden from coming within 100 metres of a microphone.

AutoCorrect that knows the difference between “your” and “you’re” and “there,” their” and “they’re” — so I don’t look like a moron when I’m not paying attention.

A written test before anyone is allowed to vote.  Even multiple choice (guess?) would be better than nothing.

Transparent toasters.  So we can at least see what that maniac machine is doing to our bread!

All statues turned into holograms so they can simply be switched off and changed when public perception turns against them.  Unfortunately, pigeons would be denied a place to – uh – sit, but too bad, pigeon lovers — we can’t please everybody!

Skip the Dumbass.  Like Skip the Dishes, but instead of food, this online service will deliver an intelligent person to your doorstep for an enjoyable conversation without a political or social agenda.

Laundry hampers that automatically wash clothes, dryers that fold them and a robot something that puts them away.

A Nobel Prize for Buffoonery.

A junk food that tastes super good but has negative calories so when you binge-eat a bowl of it while you’re binge-watching Netflix, you actually lose weight.

Voice-activated Smart Microwaves (with a cute female name) that remember how you like your frozen stuff nuked.
“Madison, beef and bean burrito.”
“According to your burrito history, you prefer two minutes on High.  Is that correct?”
(You just read that in a computer voice, didn’t you?)

Compulsory therapy for old men who insist on riding those extra noisy-ass motorcycles.

Something (I don’t know what) that gets the last bit of peanut butter out of the bottom of the jar.

And finally:

A secret society where the members memorize history to preserve it until those “culture cancellers” get over themselves — kinda like what the people in Fahrenheit 451 did for books and literature.

 

The World Keeps Turning – II

hold my beer

Here in isolation, we’re all finding creative ways to cope with social distancing.  I’ve started talking to the telemarketers.  Charlie from One World TechCom is nice; he just had a baby.  So, the world keeps turning.  Here are just a few things that happened this week.

A couple of days ago, supply outstripped demand and the price of crude oil fell below zero.  Let me give that to you again – BELOW ZERO.  In other words, oil companies were paying people to cart the stuff away.  One wonders how the international markets handled this.  After all, oil has been the price of doing business on this planet since the Saudis first held us hostage back in 1973.  (Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh, Salman?)  I can’t wait until Samsung starts giving away a free barrel of oil with every purchase of a big screen TV.

Travellers in Canada are now required to wear masks in airports and on all flights – foreign and domestic.  Hold it!  I can’t go across the street to get my hair cut because it’s a non-essential journey, and somebody is jetting off to somewhere because … Why?  Where could they possibly be going?  For God sake, the entire planet’s closed — except the factories in Wuhan, China.  And, trust me, you can get any of the junk they’re manufacturing delivered from Amazon.

And speaking of China, Missouri is suing China because they allege the Chinese government willfully “lied to the world and silenced whistleblowers” about Covid-19.  Good luck with that!  Folks!  You’re suing a country that has a couple of million Muslims in re-education camps, has armed troops all over Tibet, kicks the crap out of Hong Kong protesters every weekend, threw a Nobel Prize winner in jail and regularly conducts organ transplants where the Falun Gong donors are not notified.  I doubt very much if a subpoena from the Show Me state is going to carry any weight.

And finally:

Chutzpah has a new World Champion.  Apparently, Sir Richard Branson, the Grand Poobah of Virgin Everything, is in financial difficulties.  His various airlines are going broke.  In fact, it’s gotten so bad that Branson has offered his private Caribbean island, Necker, as collateral for a $500 million UK government loan.  This is a dire situation.  However, let’s review the facts.  Forbes estimates Sir Richard’s net worth is somewhere north of 5 billion dollars.  He doesn’t pay any tax on it cuz he lives in the Virgin Islands where he moved a couple of years after he was convicted of tax evasion.  He owns everything with a Virgin label on it and has enough money to build a spaceship (LauncherOne.)  That’s right!  A spaceship!  However, he figures that to keep all this going, he needs UK taxpayers to pony up some big bucks.  Hey, Dick!  Here’s an idea: use some of your own money and bail yourself out — that’s what the rest of us are doing.

Guidelines For Covid-19

guidelines

Somewhere around 6 billion people on this planet are fed up with Covid-19!  Frankly, if this virus was a person, they’d be getting more hate than Hitler.  It some places, people are just saying “I’ve had enough!” and going back to the wicked ways that got us into this mess.  Okay, you don’t get geniuses on every street corner, but I think the biggest problem is nobody knows how to act now that normal isn’t normal anymore.  So, in the interests of doing my part to end Isolation Hell, here are a few guidelines to follow as you unleash your inner introvert.

Disclaimer – This is satire, folks.  Yes, I realize this pandemic is serious, and there’s no need to remind me with caustic emails.

Food and Drink

1 – Stress eating can be a challenge.  A reasonable weight gain in lockdown is 11 pounds or 5 kilos per month.  Once you hit that milestone, the future depends on the strength of the elastic in your underwear.

2 – Red wine does not go with Oatmeal, Granola, Raisin Bran or Cheerios.  However, a splash of white can get you set up for the day.

3 – Buy healthy snacks and be creative.  For example, you can deep fry anything, and rice cakes aren’t that bad if you dip them in enough chocolate.

Entertainment

4 – Nobody, in two lifetimes, can watch everything on Netflix, so don’t whine that there’s nothing on TV.  Yes, you may be forced to watch Rampage, but we all have to make sacrifices in these troubled times.

5 – However, once you start watching Adam Sandler movies, you’ve been alone too long: telephone a relative or close friend.  Actually, I believe, there’s a 1-800 Help Line.  (And if there isn’t, there should be.)

6 – Also, re-watching Season 8 of Games of Thrones is not recommended.  It’s not going to get any better, and you’re got enough to be pissed off about right now.

Children

7 – If you’re homeschooling, it’s best to keep a cute baby picture of your kid handy.  This is to remind you that the little monster who refuses to understand “Carry the 1” is still your daughter and not Satan’s evil spawn.

8 – Playing Hold-em Poker with your six-year-old for their college fund is not acceptable.

9 – And, that’s your DNA that just painted the cat and discovered apples don’t actually go all the way down when you flush.

Mental Health

10 – In order to maintain a modicum of decorum, make sure you change from your night pajamas to your day pajamas no later than 9 A.M.

11 – You are limited to two (2) ugly cries per day, and you can’t save them up and go nuts on Monday morning when you realize, “Crap! There’s another week I’ve wasted.”

12 – It’s time to seek professional help when you start referring to your family as inmates and cursing Mandela for setting the bar so high.

Home and Work

13 – When you’re working from home, it’s always a difficult time when you realize you never actually did all that much work.  Don’t stress out!  Try filling your time with work-related activities like going for coffee, planning lunch, exchanging funny memes with your friends and cruising Instagram.  These will help you pass a “normal” work day.

14 – Conference calls with audio are different from conference calls with video.  Know the difference and be prepared (i.e. the regional manager is going to notice the torn Ride-A-Cowboy t-shirt.)

15 – You need to develop a comprehensive strategy to balance your work and home life.  “Screw it!  The reports can wait” is not comprehensive enough.

And finally:

16 – Remember all those mornings when the alarm went off and you rolled over and thought, “God, I wish I could just stay home and lay in bed all day”?  Well, careful what you wish for!