Tag: contemporary life

Taylor Swift: You Ignorant … (Oops! I can’t say that!)

swiftTaylor Swift has a new album out.  Coincidentally (nudge/nudge wink/wink) she launched it right after a boatload of media attention over a lawsuit she had against some guy who allegedly grabbed her ass four years ago.  According to the evidence, a DJ in Denver decided it was open season on one of the most famous bums on the planet, and as the cameras rolled, he copped a feel.  You can’t actually see him do it, but Swift maintains he did.  For my money, given Swift’s reputation for musical revenge, that was a pretty stupid move.  In fact, if he actually did it, this guy’s got to be the dumbest dumbass of the century!  Of course, if he didn’t do it — well — nobody really cares about that because Swift was always going to win the lawsuit anyway.  Why?  Because Taylor Swift; that’s why!  Think about it.  Any ruling against Ms. Swift’s allegations would have unleashed a Social Media tsunami.  The Internet mob would have risen up in holy indignation and dragged the judge through the cyberstreets by his cojones.  The members of the jury would have been hunted down and put to the lash.  Jobs would have been lost and reputations ruined.  (We’ve seen it before.)  Honestly, death threats would have been the least of that jury’s worries.  Fortunately, none of that happened.  What happened was the judge and jury made the judicious decision, dodged a digital bullet and walked away.  Team Taylor generated a pile of free publicity and put their client back on the celebrity A-list.  Taylor Swift became the reigning queen of Tweenie Girl Power.  The DJ from Denver slithered away into the ooze of obscurity from which he came.  And — oh, yeah: Ms. Swift is about to haul in a shedload of cash from her latest kiss-and-yell musical adventure.

Personally, I think the DJ from Denver is as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.  I also believe Swift should have sued him for a lot more than a symbolic dollar just to teach him to keep his hands to himself.  After all, nobody know how many non-famous bums he’s squeezed over the years.  However, as everybody knows, Swift and her people are masters of media manipulation, and the timing of this whole sordid affair is as suspicious as a smoking gun.  So, call it what you will, but for me, using publicity from a sexual assault as a marketing tool to sell records is a despicable way to make money.

What Ever Happened To Ordinary?

ordinaryI love the 21st century.  I love it that I can talk to people all over the world.  I love that my Japanese car was built in France — from Polish parts.  I love Google and Wikipedia.  I love the one-click universe.  I love it that, when I order a pizza, it gets to my house faster than the police would.  Well, maybe not that so much … but … I do think it’s cool that the person at the other end of the telephone is thousands of kilometres away, but he instantly knows my name and remembers I want extra garlic.  The point is I love all the bells and whistles this century has to offer … but … there is one serious drawback.  You can’t get regular stuff anymore.  Ordinary is just not available.  Here are a few examples:

Telephones — I have no idea what half the stuff on my telephone does.  I touch the wrong icon, and suddenly I’ve got a live-stream street scene from a village in Bhutan.  If they made an ordinary telephone that just made telephone calls, every old person on this planet would buy one.

Water — Last time I checked, there were at least a dozen different brands of water for sale.  People!  It’s water!  The only choice you’re actually making is the shape of the plastic bottle.

Ice Cream — What ever happened to Chocolate, Vanilla and Strawberry?  Do we really need Mungo Jerry Berry?  Wasabi?  Bacon?  This isn’t ice cream, folks!  It’s some kind of mutant milk product, foisted on an unsuspecting public who think they’re getting something other than a lethal dose of chemical flavouring.

Coffee — It’s impossible to do that many different things to a beverage.

Toothpaste — Every brand from Aquafresh to Sensodyne has a least 8 different versions, four different flavours and any number of different purposes.  You can have cavity control, tartar control, bad breath control or holy-hell-that-hurts control.  In the age of bone graft implants, you would think dentistry could come up with a single brush-your-teeth-after-every-meal toothpaste.

And finally:

Cars — The only purpose of the automobile is to go where you want it to go, stop where you want it to stop and go backwards if you went too far.  That’s it.  Cut out all the other crap — like power windows, heated seats, 3 surveillance cameras, 9 cup holders and a video uplink to the Mars Rover — and you could make an ordinary car that ordinary people could afford.  Plus, you could probably power it with your brother-in-law’s electric lawnmower motor.

We Need New Rules

new rulesWe need some new rules.  Let’s face it, folks: we live in childish times.  Our opinions are no longer thoughtful and measured but instant and shrill.  Our discussions are loud and unruly: our voices are pouty.  We whine and complain, and we’re constantly throwing temper tantrums when we don’t get what we want.  (Take a peek at Hamburg this week.)  In short, we’ve become a bunch of bratty children.  So, it’s time we set up a few boundaries.  Here are some suggestions: feel free to add to the list.

Like fishing, hunting and driving a car, people must have a license before they’re allowed to use Social Media.  They must pass a test that proves they’re actually smarter than a four-year-old before they can have a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account.

If you’re having a serious political discussion, you cannot refer to President Trump as a “jerk,” an “idiot,” a “moron” or a “dumbass.”  It’s been six months of wall-to-wall name calling.  We get it.  Give it a rest!

Grown men must not wear short pants if they are more than 5 metres away from a beach, a playground, a picnic spot or their own backyard.  (Guys, what don’t you understand about “grown man?”)

Baseball caps must be worn the right way round.  Look, ya moron! Wearing them backwards actually defeats the whole purpose of the hat.

Old men on loud motorcycles must seek professional help for their penis anxiety.

A baby stroller is not a weapon.  Therefore, it cannot be larger, wider, taller or heavier than the mom pushing it.  And dads, the mall is not Charlotte Motor Speedway — and neither is the grocery store.  Slow down!  Your kids are getting wind-burnt.

You can no longer claim to be “spiritual” just because you have a foreign language tattoo.  (The only thing you can claim is you have bad taste and too much disposable income.)

“Like,” “Awesome,” “You know” “Totally” and “Amazing” are banned from polite conversation.

The phrase “plus size” is also banned.  It’s just a sneaky way of reminding ordinary women they’re not supermodels.

The words “for” and “about” are no longer interchangeable.  “I’m embarrassed for it” and “I’m embarrassed about it” are completely different.  The first one isn’t even English.

Vegans must wait at least 5 minutes before announcing their status to strangers.  This rule does not apply to vegetarians (who normally don’t get all pissy about their culinary habits, anyway.)

If you’ve been in 3 or more movies, you’re no longer allowed to talk about poverty.  You’re riding around in a limousine, for God’s sake!  What can you possibly tell anybody about being poor?  (This goes double if you play a musical instrument for money.)

Professional athletes can no longer be paid more than the GDP of Malta.  They’re kicking a ball, not curing cancer. Let’s get some perspective.

From here on, celebrities have to be famous for a reason.  (And a photo-shopped picture of your ass on Instagram doesn’t count!)

And finally

Actors, actresses, singers and musicians who visit poor countries — for whatever reason — are no longer allowed to bring orphan kids home as souvenirs.