Tag: contemporary life

Trigger Warnings

warningOne of the weirdest phenoms of the 21st century is the “Trigger Warning.”  This is a statement made before news items, blogs, plays, books, stories, opinion pieces, university lectures, movies, TV programs, poems, paintings and pretty much everything else we watch, read or hear.  The purpose is to warn us that whatever is coming next is probably too tough for our fragile emotions to handle, and we should avert our gaze or else we’ll end up huddled in the corner — sobbing.  Personally, I think this is a rather ad hoc way to do business.  We all know life is tough, and if we’ve become such emotional marshmallows we can’t deal with trivial crap like TV programs or someone’s Twitter opinion, maybe it’s time we put “trigger warnings” on life itself.

May I make a few suggestions:

Warning — Normal people disagree with each other.  Sometimes, they will disagree with you.  They are not idiots, evil or part of an international corporate conspiracy.  Please use discretion when dealing with normal people.

Warning — There are hundreds of different cultures in the world.  These cultures exist simultaneously and overlap.  If you are so uncomfortable being white that the overlap causes you feelings of latent liberal guilt, please return to your home and eat Kraft Dinner until they pass.

Warning — Reasonable political discussions may contain material that is not negative, demeaning or derogatory to President Trump.  If you are a journalist or suffer from Trumpophobia, you may want to walk away while the adults are talking.

Warning — Not every person on this planet is your mother.  We are not obligated to cuddle, cajole or care about you.  If this makes you uncomfortable — uh — I don’t care?

Warning — You can’t change history.  If historical names, statues and monuments offend you so much you want to erase them from history or destroy them (a la George Orwell’s 1984) go to Syria — that’s what they’re trying to do there.

Warning — Television is NOT real.  For example, during the fictional story Game of Thrones, Lena Headey was NOT actually raped by her brother.  Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is NOT Ms. Headey’s brother, and he is NOT a rapist.  They are both actors.  Ms. Headey does have a brother but he is NOT a rapist, either.  If make-believe offends you, please do not watch television — except perhaps SpongeBob SquarePants or, maybe, reruns of Friends (Season 1, only.)

Warning — Humour still exists in the world.  If laughing at stupidity, absurdity, the ridiculous and the inane makes you uneasy, please pull the hockey stick out of your ass and quit spoiling it for the rest of us.

Warning — “Trigger Warnings” are bullshit.  If you are an adult and still need someone else to prequalify what you read, watch or hear, please talk to your parents immediately.  Obviously, they didn’t do their job properly, and you might want to start again.

A Few Words About Swearing

swearingIt’s going to snow — again.  When I heard that, I had a few choice words to say about a certain rodent (Groundhog Day was Wednesday) Mother Nature and the poor Weather Girl who looks as if she was harnessed into her clothes (but that’s a different blog.)  I felt better — like — right now, and went about my business.  You see, that’s what swearing does — it makes us feel better.  Unfortunately, like most things the millennials have gotten their mitts on, in the 21st century, swearing is being ruined.

I’m old enough to remember when swearing was an art form, a verbal quest to find words that expressed the primitive soul that lurks inside all of us.  In those days, people generally didn’t swear in polite society.  Swearing was reserved for exasperation, frustration, anger, the end of the argument  – all the most primitive emotions.  People swore when the pudding boiled over, or the neighbour wouldn’t listen to reason, or the cat crapped on the carpet.  Swearing was reserved for those special times when ordinary words just didn’t cover it.  It released the tension, so we didn’t toss the pudding across the kitchen, punch the neighbour or kill the cat.  These words were forbidden, and so, with one broken taboo, we were badasses.  We stood toe-to-toe with life’s evil fortunes and refused to be bullied.  Then it was over.  We metaphorically washed our mouth out with soap and carried on.

Unfortunately, these days swearing is used as punctuation.  In the torrent of conversation, it’s splashed around like ketchup on a redneck’s breakfast.  It literally doesn’t mean anything anymore.  It’s lost its punch.  When you call your best friend a bad bitch on a daily basis, what do you call her when she actually is one?  And that’s why the millennials spend every waking hour offended.  They have no way to release the emotional pressure.  When I trip on the stairs and bang my shins, I release a torrent of invectives on everyone from the person who chose to live on the second floor (me) to the carpenter who built the offending structure.  Millennials can’t do that.  When life comes along and pees in their porridge, they just have to take it.  And it serves them right, the $%()#! bastards!

 

Employment Opportunity – Austria

hermitI love the British Broadcasting Corporation!  In a time when 99% of the gutter-feeding media are giving the other 1% a bad name, the Beeb (as it is affectionately called) is a bastion of reasonable thought.  For example, last week they reported that the village of Saalfelden in Austria was in the market for a hermit.  Apparently, the hermit they had retired last autumn, and they haven’t been able to fill the position.  This is real news — the kind of news that not only informs us but also makes us think.  Particularly, I was thinking, “Wow!  I didn’t know the world still had hermits.  I thought the old guy down the road, talking to his vegetables, was just nuts.”  It surprises me that being a hermit is a genuine profession from which some people do retire.  And that knowledge opens up a whole can of other questions; not the least of which is, for a hermit, what does retirement look like?

Is there a pension plan?  Do they get dental?  What about seniors’ housing?  Most retirees want to go live in a quiet place in the country; do hermits find the nastiest, noisiest tenement in South Philly and move there?  Do they spend their days hanging out at the mall?  Taking public speaking courses at the community college?  Jazzercise at the gym?  What about eHarmony?

Then there’s the whole question of how and where does the village of Saalfelden find a replacement for the hermit they lost?  The problem is the nature of being a good hermit actually precludes networking or strutting your stuff on craigslist or LinkedIn.  Plus, if the citizens of Saalfelden do find a hermit (I’m assuming by word-of-mouth) how would they tell if he’s unhappy with his present situation?  Or how do they convince him that Saalfelden would be a good career move?  This would be tough, considering hermits, in general, are not susceptible to reasonable arguments.  It would probably be a lot easier to just start fresh and print up some flyers.

HELP WANTED: No Experience Necessary.
Picturesque alpine village south of Salzburg seeks an older gentleman to fill a long-term position as the local hermit.  Compensation commensurate with soul-eating poverty.  Hovel provided.  All applicants must be able to relocate and be willing to work evenings, weekends and holidays.  The successful candidate will be a self-starter who is able to think inside the box and work with minimal supervision.  Ideally, he should have no Facebook profile, no Instagram or Twitter account, no friends, a distant, disagreeable family and a burning distrust of all other people.  Special consideration will be given to introverts, orphans and failed holy men.  Saalfelden is proud to be a gender neutral, equal opportunity employer, so bag ladies and crazy cat ladies are also welcome.  Do not apply in person; just move into the hovel and we’ll see how it goes.

Good luck, good citizens of Saalfelden! And God I love the BBC!