So far, it looks as if 2018 is just going to be 2017 all over again. What’s wrong with us? Why don’t contemporary solutions ever work? Maybe it’s time we took at look at some of the things we used to get right and resurrect that stuff to tackle our modern problems. Here are a couple of suggestions.
One — Ever since Lee Iacocca went screaming to the U.S. government to bail out Chrysler back in the 1970s, CEOs of some pretty hefty corporations have been getting a free ride. Piles of these guys (it’s usually guys) get hired for beaucoup bucks to run some company and all they do is run it into the ground. Then, when their reckless business practices have practically bankrupted the people they’re supposed to be working for, they walk away with a severance package worth more than the GDP of Haiti! I have one word for these Calvin Klein criminals — Debtor’s Prison. Throw some of these jerks in jail to work off the corporate debts they’ve incurred and they’d probably take a more measured approach to closing facilities and laying off workers. Capitalism would get back to doing what it does best — making money for everybody. And, truth to tell, it would do everybody’s heart good to see some of these fat bastards indulge in a little honest labour.
Two — Once the go-to standard and perfectly acceptable method of settling social disagreements (in 1906, it was an Olympic Event!) dueling has fallen on hard times. These days, defending one’s honour with cold steel is considered barbaric. However, let’s think about it. In the 21st century, our society has become distinctly rude — especially on Social Media. Any idiot with an Internet connection can hurl insults around as if they were confetti at a middleclass wedding — with no fear of repercussions. But how long do you think these Twitter Trolls would last if they were faced with the possibility of looking down the barrel of a high-calibre dueling pistol? Believe me, @kbot33justice would think twice about mouthing off if she could be called out on the field of honour. Besides, wouldn’t Duel Of The Week make for some kickass Reality TV? Personally, I’d pay money to see Katy Perry and Taylor Swift going at each other with sabres!
Three — Back in the Victorian Era, it was generally agreed that, given half a chance, men — all men — were sexual predators, and women — all women — were too ditsy to be anything more than victims. Wow! How times have not changed! These days, the Hollywood sex scandal is reaching beyond the red carpet to the very heart of — uh — everywhere. It’s become a witch hunt with real witches (warlocks?) — especially since our society doesn’t distinguish between a dumbass remark and a terrifying assault, and anybody who says we should is branded part of the problem. (I’m pretty sure Matt Damon and Dave Chappelle won’t be getting Oscar invitations any time soon.) Perhaps it’s time to take direct action and either confine women to their homes — a la most of the Middle East — or bring back that most Victorian of institutions — the chaperone. And it would be super easy. Simply make it socially unacceptable for women to go anywhere alone. This would put a screaming halt to all those she said/he said accusations. With a third person constantly hovering, men would have to control their primeval sexual urges and women wouldn’t be faced with the overwhelming dilemma of when to leave the room. Plus, and here’s the best bit, given the amount of male/female interaction in our society, providing chaperones for all the women could become a growth industry. It would mean employment for all those useless lawyers, social workers, and activists we have kicking around as well as a lot of ordinary people who might be past their prime but are still wise in the ways of masculine wiles. There could even be a phone App — Chinder. This is a win/win situation, folks! Win/win!
Disclaimer: This is satire. In reality, I believe that sexual predators should go to jail. I don’t believe women should be confined to their homes, nor do I advocate celebrities (or anybody else) attacking each other with swords. However, I’m still thinking about Debtor’s Prison.
When I was a child, I thought that most of my friends were just a little bit higher up on the scrotum pole than I was. I didn’t have low self-esteem or anything. First of all, that’s a modern affectation, and secondly, I was a very confident kid. It was just that they always seemed to have cool stuff going on while I was permanently chained to ordinary. For example, my buddy Wilfred and I both had bikes, but he also had another one that was way better than mine. It was Toronto Maple Leaf’s blue and white (just like in the Sears catalogue) but it also had a basket so he could get a job delivering groceries and such when he got older. Plus, it was a CCM (just like in the Sears catalogue) — the Holy Grail of two-wheeled transportation in our neighbourhood. Unfortunately, Wilfred’s parents made him keep it at his grandmother’s house, so I never actually got to see this magnificent conveyance — but I certainly believed it was there. There were other stories, too: Dorothy Becker’s cousin had met The Beatles, Kelvin’s uncle was going to give him his entire collection of winning marbles from the time when he was World Champion, and Doug Sanders’ dad had won the war — when he secretly shot Hilter.* Yes, I was a naive youth and even today, I’m embarrassed by the number of years it took me to realize that Wilfred’s extra bike only existed in the pages of the Sears catalogue. However, I bear no animosity to the Wilfreds of the world. This is just what people do They have a burning need to look good, and sometimes they’re willing to bend reality into a circus of contortions to get there.
WD Fyfe 