Tag: contemporary thinking

Today, I’m Tired!

tiredNormally, living in the 21st century is a bundle of fun.  It’s an hilarious existence — with politicians, celebrities, journalists and a ton of regular folk writing pee-your-pants comedy for us on a daily basis.  However, every once in a while, it just gets old.   I think it’s the relentless silliness of it — like too many Jim Carrey movies.  The utter nonsense, day after day after day, just wears a person out.  When I was young, my mother used to say, “I’m not tired today, dear, I’m weary … in my bones.”  It took me many years to figure out what she meant.  So, today, here are a few things I’m weary of … in my bones.

Awareness — I’m tired of everybody and his friend “raising awareness.”  Who the hell on this planet isn’t aware of poverty, or cancer, or AIDS or the plight of the homeless?  Ask anybody!
“Hey, buddy!  Are you aware of the plight of the homeless?”
“The who?”
“The homeless!  People with no place to live. ”
“Nope, it’s not ringing any bells.”
“People who live on the streets.  The homeless!”
“Sorry, never heard of ’em.”

“Raising awareness.” is the crack cocaine of slacktavists.

Young Environmentalists — Look, ya little Green Meanie!  My generation didn’t ruin the environment;  yours did.  I’m not even going to give you chapter and verse on this one: the litany of your sins is too long.  But here’s one example: when I was a kid, we had a telephone.  It sat on the wall and the whole family used it for nearly 20 years — never replaced/never repaired.  My friend’s granddaughter isn’t even 18 yet, and she’s had four different phones (that I know of.)  Each one of them was manufactured in Asia, wrapped in plastic, put in a box, transported to North America on an oil-guzzling cargo ship, unloaded onto a diesel-swilling train and taken half away across the continent.  Then it was loaded onto a fossil-fuel-eating truck and driven to the store.  Do the math!

The Anti-Christian Crusade — I’m not particularly religious, but I’m totally tired of evangelistic atheists constantly trying to covert me.  You anti-Christians are worse than Jehovah’s Witnesses!  Personally, I’m overjoyed that you have this incredible insight into the workings of the entire universe.  Good for you!  However, reminding people, at every turn, how idiotic they are to believe in God is just way too preachy for me.  Here’s an idea.  If you’re so convinced that God doesn’t exist, why don’t you go find some Muslims?  Pester them and see how far it gets ya!

Blaming Me For Everything — I’m an old, heterosexual, white male — and I’m mortally tired of getting blamed for everything that’s wrong with this world.

I Don’t Hate Celebrities

musicMany of my friends believe I hate celebrities.  I don’t; I just think most of them are assholes.  Actually, I don’t even have a philosophical problem with the cult of celebrity.  Like it or not, it’s a serious part of our social structure and always has been.  For example, in the 1840s, the pianist, Franz Liszt, was mobbed wherever he went.  People fainted at his concerts, and fans fought over bits of his clothing.  Heinrich Heine called the phenom ” Lizstomania.”  (Sound familiar?)  My point is we worship celebrities ’cause it’s fun.  It’s sexy.  It’s a chance to dance with the kind of charisma that’s normally just doesn’t occur in our day-to-day lives.

The problem is a lot of contemporary celebrities have come to believe they’re not just the latest dog-and-pony show.  They actually think they’re special and have amazing insights — not only into the world’s problems, but the solutions, as well.  Unfortunately, the ability to memorize dialogue, cry on cue and strum a guitar are not the skills we need to tackle our many political, spiritual, medical and economic problems.  However, even though these self-diagnosed messiahs haven’t got a clue, they do have a very big pulpit to preach from — the media — and they absolutely refuse to shut up.

I’m not saying that musicians, actors, comedians, Reality TV stars, etc. shouldn’t have opinions, I’m just saying here’s some tough truth:

When your idea of roughing it is room service is late, you really can’t speak with any authority about the soul-eating poverty of sub-Saharan Africa.

Two years of drama school doesn’t mean you’re competent to dispense medical advice.  This includes health tips, nutrition, “jade eggs,” cures for cancer, what causes autism and who should or should not get vaccinated — among other things.

People who travel in private jets and  personal limousines to parties in Ibiza,  movie premieres in Los Angeles and  Broadway shows in New York — all in the same week — have no business telling the rest of us we shouldn’t carry our pork ‘n beans home from the grocery store in a plastic bag.  Who’s ruining the environment for whom, here?

If you own four (five?) palatial mansions on two continents, you’ve got a lot of cojones yipping about how we’re not doing enough for refugees.  It looks to me as if you’ve got a few empty bedrooms there, George.  How about a couple of those Syrian families bunking in with you?

When a guy who’s constantly spouting off about corporate greed takes a gig as the “What’s it your wallet?” shill for one of the richest banks in America, he’s either a total hypocrite or a total whore.  (There’s no third choice on this one.)  And, with those kind of credentials, his off-the-wall ideas about the world’s economy are totally suspect.

And this just goes on and on and on.

Okay!  Celebrities are cool.  But they’re offering half-baked, simplistic, Instagram solutions to complex problems they don’t even understand.  And the reality is this crap is muddying the water so badly it’s actually become part of the problem.

So, as the man said, “Shut up and sing.”

 

I’ve Discovered Sexy

sexySummer isn’t over yet, but it’s so close I can smell the leaves thinking about dropping off the trees.  Yahoo!  So, it’s time to get serious again ’cause serious is the new sexy.  (Well — not really — but smart guys can dream.)  Anyway, sexy is that elusive quality that some people have and most people want.  Personally, I think it’s hidden away in our DNA somewhere, just screaming to get out.  Unfortunately, most of us are kinda deaf.  Fortunately, though, after years of research, I’ve come up with a few clothing ideas guaranteed to transform the inner dork we all possess into the sensual creature we all want to be.  So forget leather and lace, folks: here’s what you need to look sexy — and if ya look sexy, you’re gonna feel sexy — and if ya feel sexy, trust me, that’s all ya need.

Boots — A gentlemen might wear Oxford brogues, but bad boys wear boots.

Slingback heels — Leave the stilettos in the closet, girls; they’re overkill.  Sexy is subtle.  All you need is enough heel to make that light, crisp click when you walk — ’cause that tells the world you’re female.

Gloves — I don’t even have to explain this one.

Matching underwear — Nobody knows but you, and there’s nothing sexier than secrets.

An Armani suit — Women look at Armani the way men look at lingerie.

Tight White T-shirts — This inexpensive little item transcends gender.  Keep it tight, keep it electric white, and — whatever you do — don’t go nuts with the neckline.

Levis — Like the t-shirt, levis don’t care if you’re male or female, but when they’re worn properly, even the casual observer should be able to tell the difference — from a distance.

A Hat — Ladies only.  Unfortunately, most men have no idea how to wear a hat properly, and they usually end up looking like somebody’s Uncle Ernie.  On the other hand, give a woman — any woman — a hat and she’s suddenly more sophisticated — and a helluva lot more fun.

But the sexiest thing on the planet is:

Sunglasses — If the eyes are the windows of the soul, sunglasses make everyone mysterious — the central ingredient in sexy.  Sunglasses are made for spies, movie stars and fighter pilots.  But the weird thing is you don’t even have to wear sunglasses to be sexy.  Just put them in your hair, hang them from your shirt or, hell, even hold them in your hand.  Take them off with one hand, put them on with two, twist them, twirl them, chew on their ends.  Even the simple gesture of tilting them down to peek over the top is worth two Don Juans and a Mata Hari.  Total sex!  The fact is, sunglasses are so sexy they ought to be “adults only.”