I’m Offended!

These days, grievance is a growth industry.  For many people, being offended is the default setting on their lifestyle menu: they go there first and ask questions later.  This is a pain in the ass to the rest of us because the Eagerly Offended constantly demand centre stage, they won’t shut up and there’s no reasoning with those nimrods.  They want to be outraged.  So, since it’s practically impossible to beat ‘em, I’ve decided to join ‘em and be offended too – by clichés.

English is a beautiful language, and I’m shocked and appalled that people who wouldn’t recognize a simile if it bit them on the bum think it’s acceptable to toss around hackneyed phrases as if they were confetti at a gender reveal party.  There are millions of people all over the world who love and admire the English language, and the indiscriminate use of stale, worn-out and unimaginative vocabulary is very distressing and hurtful to them.  This is the 21st century — not the Age of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, for God’s sake!  We need to stand together to put an end to this linguistic appropriation and perhaps, moving forward, we can create a world free of lackluster analogies for our children to enjoy.  Here are just a few egregious examples to get the ball rolling.

I slept like a baby.

Talk to any sleep-deprived new parent and they will tell you that babies do not sleep well, at all.  They’re constantly waking up at all hours to either demand food or let you know, in no uncertain terms, they’ve turned it into something icky.

The expression should be – I slept like a single person who learned about birth control in middle school and, over the years, has become really, really good at it.

It was funny as Hell.

By definition, Hell is not the least bit humourous. 

The expression should be – It was as funny as the look on the loud-mouthed atheist’s face when Satan explained the Rules of Eternal Damnation.

Happy as a clam.

I have a strange feeling that happiness is not derived from getting dumped into a pot of boiling water and literally being cooked alive.

The expression should be – Happy as a fat person with a bowl full of empty clam shells.

They treated him like a dog.

Oh — they gave him free food, provided shelter, made sure he had clean water and exercise, paid for his schooling, personal grooming and health care?

The expression should be – They treated him like a human.

You’re only as old as you feel.

This only works on those particular days when you feel younger than you really are.  On all the other days, you’re pretty much screwed.

The expression should be – Everybody knows we’re all getting older; quit trying to do a chronological comb-over.

And finally:

Money isn’t everything.

Of course not.  There are all kinds of other things — like poverty, hunger, homelessness and deprivation.

The expression should be – Money isn’t everything, but it certainly is ahead of whatever’s in second place.

When Life Hands You …

lemon

I’ve always thought that “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” is a bunch of crap.  First of all, life better also provide you with a pitcher, some water, ice (optional) sugar, a knife and a wooden spoon — or your beverage-making adventure is over before it starts.  Secondly, if life is willing to furnish that kind of equipment, why not just hang out for a while and see if it’s got a bottle of vodka stashed away somewhere in that bag of tricks?  Which brings me to my main point.  These lemon-lifers are totally obsessed.  They haven’t even considered the possibility that life might hand out all manner of fruit and veg.  Why not?  I’m pretty sure there’s more than just citrus in the cornucopia of human existence.  So what happens when life gives you an apple?  Do you make a pie?  Sauce?  Strudel?

Okay, I get the allusion.  Life has some sour bits.  Duh!  My problem is there’s no reason to believe that’s the default mode.  The physical, spiritual and metaphorical laws of the universe suggest – no, dictate — that there are just as many sweet, juicy Valencia oranges available to life’s intrepid travellers as there are lemons.  Not to mention, strawberries, peaches, bananas and the occasional kiwi fruit.  In fact, to carry this fruit business to its logical conclusion, lemons are so hopelessly outnumbered that the odds of life actually giving you one are astronomical – unless, of course, you planted the tree yourself.

 

Proverbs — The Remix

wise words

Old people are always making up stupid stuff to tell young people how to live their lives.  (Yeah?  If you’re so smart, how come ya got old?)  These “wise” old sayings used to show up on kitchen plaques and bumper stickers, but now they crawl around Facebook like ants at a picnic.  Most of them were thought up hundreds of years ago, when people had nothing to do but sit around and actually talk to each other.  Those days are gone.  So, as a public service, here’s a remix of just a few of these geriatric proverbs to reflect real life in the 21st century.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a credit card.

If you can change just one person’s life … that really isn’t good enough, is it?

You can’t tell a book by its … book?  Book?  What’s a book?

Beauty is only skin deep.  Is that “beauty shaming?”  “That might be “beauty shaming?”  Do you think that’s “beauty shaming?”

The meek shall inherit the Earth — until some ratbag lawyer decides to contest the will.
(This is not a comment about any particular ratbag lawyer, so forget about suing me!)

Cheaters never prosper.  They just win elections.

If at first you don’t succeed … there’s an App for that.

He who hesitates doesn’t have a Twitter account.

Money isn’t everything, but it’s sure as hell ahead of whatever’s in second place.

Do unto others — cuz eventually they’re going to show up and do unto you.

The early bird catches the worm.  But nobody ever thinks about the early worm.  What about the early worm?  WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE EARLY WORM?

History repeats itself.  Cool!  I’m totally getting a dinosaur.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names – now, that’s the real problem.  They can cause deep psychological issues that last for decades.  We need to have trigger warnings on names.

The pen is mightier than the sword.  This is a joke, right?

Never put off ‘til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow – or next week, or sometime in the near future, or ….

No news is – uh – well, at least it’s not fake news.

The road to hell is paved.  That’s why so many people go that way.

Seeing is believing — unless your friends have Photoshop.

When the going gets tough, most people wander away and watch Netflix.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Out of sight out of mind.  Uh . . . I’m confused.

And finally:

What doesn’t kill you can put you in intensive care for six months where you become addicted to painkillers.  Then, when you get out of the hospital, you spend all your money on illegal drugs, lose your job, your house and your wife leaves you.  Finally, you end up living on the street, eating out of garbage cans and selling your body to buy crack.  But, wow, are you ever strong!