Tag: humour

I’m An English Major

This week, I had another run-in with techies.  Honestly, I’m getting a little sick and tired of their superior attitude.  Look, you know-it-all nerds, I’m an English Major and I can do pompous ass better than you ever thought of.  (Yeah, that’s a preposition at the end of a sentence; what are you going to do about it?)  Just to set the record straight — English Majors were geeks, nerds and tweebs centuries before techies were ever even thought of, so don’t get all high and mighty with me.  And just remember, back in high school, while you were playing Space Invaders and dreaming about cheerleaders, I was in the only guy in the Poetry Club. (You do the math!)

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9 Out Of 10 Dentists…

english3When the Voice-over man on the television advertisement says, “Nine out of ten dentists recommend Brand X,” do you ever wonder what the other guy recommends?  Do you stop for a minute and think maybe that extra guy isn’t just some dumb bugger who should never have made it out of dental school?  Maybe he’s an insightful maverick, years ahead of his time.  Maybe, because of his unconventional views, he’s been losing high-end patients and is now contemplating a move to Africa where dentistry is still practised for the love of the smile.  It’s possible, you know.  In fact, in a hundred years, the Nobel Academy might just award that 10th guy the Prize for Medicine (posthumously) when scientific advances prove he was right, all along.  Maybe they’ll even name streets and schools after him for his courage in remaining true to his oral health principles in the face of universal scorn.  That can happen, also.  Or maybe it won’t go that way.  Maybe he’ll die, poor and alone, in a South African slum-hut village, consumed by Umqombothi* and despair, his unique knowledge unaccepted and lost to humanity for all time.

Or it might just be a gender thing.  That 10th dentist could be a woman, who, as a natural caregiver went into dentistry out of a genuine love for people and their hygiene.  Maybe in dental school she found she had to be that much better than her male colleagues, so now, as a professional, she’s done more research on the subject.  Perhaps she found some significant flaws in the formula for Brand X but was under enormous pressure not to publish her findings.  However, when she was asked to make a recommendation, she felt compelled to tell the truth.  Possibly this is putting a lot of stress on her home life, where her husband, an oral surgeon she met in university, is unsupportive, and she’s having an affair with the podiatrist across the hall.  It could all end in a nasty divorce, and it might take her years to get her life back together when she finally kicks the podiatrist out and returns to her small hometown to assume her father’s family practice.  It’s very possible.

Of course, it could all be a corporate conspiracy.  The original nine dentists could have been specially selected for their moral english1turpitude.  They could have been taken on an all-expenses-paid weekend to the San Marcos Golf Resort in Chandler, Arizona.  Once there, they might have been schmoozed with fast cars, expensive liquor and beautiful women.  They could have played golf all day and partied all night.  Then, on Sunday, they could have been told that the next junket was deep-sea fishing off the coast of Puerto Vallarta available only to those dentists who recommended Brand X.  It would have been an easy choice for weak men.  Perhaps, though, in a complete surprise, dentist # 4 may have fallen in love with one of the hookers.  He might say he’s going to blow the whistle on the whole tawdry scam.  Threatened with exposure, the corporate lackeys might have kidnapped the couple, taken them out into the desert and left them for dead.  However, after days of enduring heat and thirst, the lovers could have reached the border.  They could have smuggled themselves across and are now hiding out in an unnamed Mexican village, where they’ve set up a clandestine, cash-only dental practice.  Meanwhile, in corporate America, the suits at Brand X might have found another dentist and think they’re safe from exposure.  Unfortunately for them, dentist #4 might have just discovered a young girl who, even though she’s been brushing regularly with Brand X, has developed a cavity….

Do you ever think of these things when the toothpaste commercials come on TV?  You don’t?  You should.  It’s fun.

*South African beer

Christmas: What Not to Give

Is it too early to talk about Christmas?  Three weeks?  I think not.

Over the years, I’ve gotten some totally cool Christmas presents.  I’m talking about stuff that would humble a lesser man.  However, every couple of years, like everybody else who keeps a more-or-less traditional Christmas, I’ve gotten some of the stupidest presents on record.  These majestically inappropriate pieces of junk have come from everybody from casual acquaintances (who felt obligated to buy me “something”) to my mother.  And every one of them has literally screamed WTF!

They say “Christmas is about giving” and “It’s the thought that counts.”  So in the spirit of these homespunisms I’ve put together a list (in no particular order) of the worst possible Christmas gifts.  And don’t be confused: these are not just ha-ha-ha, bad gifts these are gifts no person should ever give another human being at Christmas – like never!

Diet Books — Nothing says, “I think you’re fat” faster than Fergie’s 30 Day Cheesecake Diet or How to Lose Weight and Influence People.  I don’t care how BFF you might think you are, suggesting people are porkers — at any time of the year — is a major faux pas.

Esoteric Cooking Utensils — Those “funky” housewares shops that all the Urban Professionals rave about are loaded with these little gadgets – melon ballers, orange zesters, corn cob holders and on and on.  The problem is most of these things are useless, and some of them are so specialized that even Cordon Bleu French Chefs have no idea what they’re used for.  Giving these to your friends will only turn them into a pack of liars.  “No!  Really!  I use it all the time.”

Homemade Crap — Unless your name is Martha Stewart or Norm Abrams, gifts2don’t even go there.  Your friends will feel obligated to display it or use it and then, after they throw it in the trash, will never invite you to their house again — in case you notice.

Obvious Re-gifts — Somebody is going to guess that Seinfeld: The Complete 5th Season with Bonus Blooper DVD was something you got for your birthday several years ago – especially when it doesn’t have the cellophane on it and the itty bitty Puffy Shirt is missing.

The Book of Awesome, in any of its incarnations.  This kid was the Jason (Justin?) Bieber of written pop culture, and no matter how trendy you might think he still is, even the yard sales aren’t taking his nonsense anymore.

Fruit Cake — My mother once gave me a fruit cake.  I gave it to a friend who said he liked fruit cake.  He didn’t really like fruit cake; he was just being polite.  He gave it to his sister in Philadelphia.  She passed in on to an ex-roommate at Chapel Hill.  As far as I know, it has since been travelling around the southern United States like some seasonal Flying Dutchman — forever cursed to wander the Earth until Judgement Day when anyone who ever touched it is doomed.

Any tech stuff with an apple on it — First of all, that crap costs three times as much as anything else on the market that’s twice as good.  Secondly, by the time you get it wrapped and under the tree, Apple will have already introduced a newer version that’s two nano-millimetres shorter.  Thirdly, whatever you buy will have exactly the same functions as the thing the person already owns.  And finally, Apple is living on lawsuits and its reputation; the creative light went out of that company a couple of years ago.

giftsSeasonal Attire — While I agree that nothing says Christmas like the cable-knit Santa Claus sweater vest, it’s not your job to make your brother-in-law look like a jackass.  His mother-in-law will do that for you.  And the candy cane thong thing is just wrong.

Anything from the “Awesome Gifts for Under $20.00” list — Two scented candles or an acrylic peppermill are the best way I know of bluntly telling people they’re over the horizon in your social circle.  Rather than emphasizing the point, you’re better off just sending a card and leaving it at that.

Oversized Art Books — Once called coffee table books, these dinosaurs haven’t been in vogue since Rob and Laura Petrie got divorced.  They are the ultimate pain in the ass because they’re too nice to just throw away and too “oversized” to fit on any book shelf.  So they end up cluttering up the living room and your friends look like your dumbass cousins who “casually” leave “smart” books hanging around — even though they think Vettriano is an after-dinner wine.

Finally, and most importantly, never, under any circumstances, give your dog, cat, budgie or iguana, reindeer antlers, elf hats or Santa Claus beards.  This is just cruel.  Your pets don’t know it’s Christmas, and they trust you not to make them appear foolish.  If you do, you are exactly the kind of power-mad Grinch Christmas was put on this Earth to eliminate.  Furthermore, I hope you get nothing in your stocking but diet books and fruit cake.

Christmas is a time for giving.  With a little forethought and these simple guidelines your gift could be the talk of the turkey table.  Only three weeks left.