There are tons of Old People Lists floating around the Internet. They run all the way from old advertisements — with doctors smoking cigarettes — to lists of things that the world hasn’t seen since grandma was a baby. Some of them have this smug undercurrent of “Things were so much better in my day,” but mostly they’re just harmless ways to play Remember When. However, they all tend to unlock the inner dinosaur in those of us who remember a time before Google. Unfortunately, none of these lists makes any mention of what it takes to survive the rigors of life and actually arrive at an age when you can afford the luxury of nostalgia. Nor do they offer a list of all those neat little goodies we all pick up along the way — the tricks of the trade, so to speak. Things like white shirts attract spaghetti sauce, and doctors are never on time.
It takes a lot to get old, and when you do, you need to stop every once in a while and congratulate yourself. You finally made it, and now you’re old enough to know:
1 — Puppies are a natural antidepressant
2 — There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Somebody, somewhere is going to have to pay for that Happy Meal™. And if you eat it, chances are good it’s going to be you.
3 — If it sounds too good to be true, just keep on moving — and don’t look back.
4 — Lincoln got it right. You canfool some of the people all of the time, but no matter how good you are at doing that, eventually somebody, somewhere is going to say, “Wait a minute!”
5 — Integrity is what you do when nobody’s looking.
6 — The meek shall inherit the earth – if they have a big brother standing beside them with a stick in his hand.
7 — There is justice in the world, so be careful what you wish for.
8 — Nothing feels as good as warm socks on a cold day.
9 — Everybody says they want the truth, but sometimes, it’s not that pleasant when it actually shows up.
10 — The shortest distance between two points is a straight line — no matter how many times you think you’ve found a shortcut.
11 — The major difference between wise and smart is a couple of bad decisions.
12 — Most people simply don’t have enough money to get rich quick.
13 — We’re all in the same boat, but some of us are using a different paddle.
14 — Like Polonius’ advice to Laertes, most words of wisdom are just made- up crap that sounds good.