It’s a brand new year, time to show a little healthy intolerance for all the crap that has somehow become cool in our world. This is the stuff we all put up with for no apparent reason — even though most of it is just a pain in the ass. Here’s a very short list to get started. (And you’ll be surprised just how good it feels to finally overthrow the tyranny of the mob.)
Loudmouth Vegans — Nobody really cares what you eat (see item #2) but announcing what you won’t eat every five minutes is just being a self-righteous jerk. Think about it: when a vegan comes to your house for dinner, you serve vegan, but when you go to a vegan’s house for dinner, they never bring out a steak.
Social Media Food Photos — Nobody really cares what you eat.
Selfies — Submitting photographic evidence that you don’t have any friends doesn’t make you interesting.
Tiny Houses — The sun is shining. Leighton and Bryce are happy. They just bought a 300 square foot (100 metre) house. They’re going to live there. Next winter when the fog, rain, snow, ice and wind come and they have to dismantle the kitchen every time they want to go to the toilet, Leighton and Bryce are going to kill each other.
Torn Clothes — Would somebody please tell rich, white people that the reason they can dress themselves in rags is there’s a bunch of kids in Bangladesh working 14 hours a day in penal servitude?
Roseanne — Resurrecting the Connor family is a gutsy cash grab, but here’s a news flash: the 90s are over, and Dan is dead.
Lena Dunham — She’s the first celebrity to make a career out of apologizing. However, when she mentioned that she wished she’d had an abortion just so she could know how it feels — well — that kinda tells ya where her mind’s at.
Twitter — Boy, did that little bit of fun go to hell in a hurry!
Hashtag Everything — (see above)
Tattoos — The only reason these middleclass badges are still around is it hurts like hell to get rid of them.
Man Buns — The saddest fashion trend since Hammer Pants swept the neighbourhood.
And finally:
Wearable Apple Crap — Paying a ton of money for a watch that you can barely see — that tells you stuff 99.99% of the people on this planet don’t care about — is living proof that Mr. Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute.
It’s the second week of the new year, and that iron resolve we made our New Year’s Resolutions with is showing a little metal fatigue. Carrot sticks don’t taste as good as Mars Bars. Three flights of stairs is a long way. And family get-togethers are actually a pain in the ass. However, you don’t have to beat yourself up over your lack of will power or drown yourself in a bottomless pool of self loathing. All you have to do is explain to your Inner Puritan that this is the real world, and in the real world, real things happen. Let me help. Here are a few tidbits to tell those holier-than-thou voices inside your head — that’ll shut them up.
In North America, the top three New Year’s Resolutions are lose weight, get out of debt, and get organized. These are really good resolutions, but if you make any of them — as they stand — you’re doomed.
WD Fyfe 