Christmas: Naughty and Nice

We all know that Ralphie from A Christmas Story was right when he said that, for most of the year, kids were scoffers, but when it comes to the endgame all children believe in Santa Claus. So here we are with less than two weeks to go until the Big Guy’s big night, and many of us are tallying up our naughty and nice points. If you aren’t, well, good luck with those Kingsford briquets.

The thing is most of our contemporaries wouldn’t know “nice” if it bit them on the nose, and kids haven’t been called “naughty” since Benjamin Spock said that wasn’t very nice, back in the 50s. That’s the problem with our modern adherence to the Theory of Moral Relativity: we never know where we stand. But now with Christmas busting out all over, things have suddenly gotten serious. So I’ve compiled a quick and dirty guideline to help you determine just where you fit on the Naughty and Nice front. To be sure, this isn’t the be-all/end-all list — there are people out there thinking up naughties 24/7 — but it does represent the spirit of the holiday.

Now the legals. This list is for entertainment purposes only. Santa’s Naughty and Nice list is the result of intensive investigations, conducted by trained professionals. It is the private property of Mr. Claus. The WD Fyfe Guideline does not imply any endorsement (real or implied) by Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer or any other denizen of the North Pole. Nor does it represent any connection to the quality of gifts you may or may not receive this year. Use this guideline at your own risk. In other words, if you get total junk for Christmas, it’s your own fault. Don’t come cryin’ to me ‘cause you lied when you took the test. (There — I’m glad that’s over with.)

Anyway, it’s very easy. Everybody starts at zero; give yourself a candy cane for every Nice and a lump of coal for every Naughty. If you end up with more candy canes than coal, it’s clear sailing; if it’s the other way around, you’ve got some work to do. Have fun, be honest and good luck.

Naughty – Yacking off at an innocent salesperson over the shape, size, colour, price or availability of any item you intend to purchase. They didn’t build the damn thing, and they’ve been on their feet for hours. Show some respect.

Nice – Making a fuss over a baby’s first Christmas even though the kid’s too young to know whether it’s Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah or the 4^th of July. It makes the mom feel good.

Naughty – Parking in the No Parking Zone, Fire Lane or middle of the aisle at the mall. Who the hell do you think you are?

Nice – Actually singing Christmas carols, not just mouthing along as if you’ve never heard the words before. You’ve heard these songs every year since you were in diapers. Would it kill you to crack a tune?

Naughty – Lecturing people when they say “Merry Christmas.” You’ve got eleven other months of the year to be politically correct – knock yourself out. (FYI, there’s double coal if you lecture anybody saying “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings.” Remember, if they want to be politically correct, it’s their choice, also.)

Nice – Giving some thought to the gifts you give. Any moron can go buy Gift Cards and pass them out like parking tickets, but at Christmas time, more than any other time of the year, it’s the thought that counts.

Naughty – Butting into line. Wait your turn. We’re all hot, tired and grumpy.

Nice – Talking to Grandma, listening to Uncle Eddie’s endless stories or hearing about Bernice’s hip surgery. This crap is important to old people; don’t sit there as if you’ve been shot in the face with Novocaine. Show some interest; they can see you.

Naughty – Driving your humongous armour-plated baby stroller through the mall as if you’re the 7^th Cavalry on the road to Baghdad. Slow down! Your kid’s getting windburn.

Nice – Lightening up on the Christmas lights. That’s my electricity you’re wasting. There’s no need to be able to see your house from space. If you want to be a Griswold, install solar panels or get a wind turbine.

Naughty – Dosing yourself with perfume, Axe, body spray, cologne or any other known carcinogenic. Christmas shopping is close order, hand-to-hand combat; chemical weapons are not allowed.

Nice – Having fun. The holidays are not about stress. If you’re getting stressed out, you’ve either got the constitution of a parakeet or you’re doing it wrong. Everybody knows the turkey isn’t going to cook itself, but yelling at the kids, dog or loving life partner isn’t going to cook it any faster, either.

Naughty – Wasting time carping about how Christmas is too commercialized. You’re not from another planet, and this isn’t your first Christmas, so quit pretending all the glitz and advertising is a big surprise. And while I’m on the subject, don’t go around acting like you’re the only one who understands the true meaning of Christmas – especially since you’re throwing your credit card into the melee, just like everybody else.

Nice – Remember that the most important gift you can ever give anybody is your time.

Christmas: What Not to Give

Is it too early to talk about Christmas? Three weeks? I think not.

Over the years, I’ve gotten some totally cool Christmas presents. I’m talking about stuff that would humble a lesser man. However, every couple of years, like everybody else who keeps a more-or-less traditional Christmas, I’ve gotten some of the stupidest presents on record. These majestically inappropriate pieces of junk have come from everybody from casual acquaintances (who felt obligated to buy me “something”) to my mother. And every one of them has literally screamed WTF!

They say “Christmas is about giving” and “It’s the thought that counts.” So in the spirit of these homespunisms I’ve put together a list (in no particular order) of the worst possible Christmas gifts. And don’t be confused: these are not just ha-ha-ha, bad gifts these are gifts no person should ever give another human being at Christmas – like never!

Diet Books — Nothing says, “I think you’re fat” faster than Fergie’s 30 Day Cheesecake Diet or How to Lose Weight and Influence People. I don’t care how BFF you might think you are, suggesting people are porkers — at any time of the year — is a major faux pas.

Esoteric Cooking Utensils — Those “funky” housewares shops that all the Urban Professionals rave about are loaded with these little gadgets – melon ballers, orange zesters, corn cob holders and on and on. The problem is most of these things are useless, and some of them are so specialized that even Cordon Bleu French Chefs have no idea what they’re used for. Giving these to your friends will only turn them into a pack of liars. “No! Really! I use it all the time.”

Homemade Crap — Unless your name is Martha Stewart or Norm Abrams, don’t even go there. Your friends will feel obligated to display it or use it and then, after they throw it in the trash, will never invite you to their house again — in case you notice.

Obvious Re-gifts — Somebody is going to guess that Seinfeld: The Complete 5th Season with Bonus Blooper DVD was something you got for your birthday several years ago – especially when it doesn’t have the cellophane on it and the itty bitty Puffy Shirt is missing.

The Book of Awesome, in any of its incarnations. This kid was the Jason (Justin?) Bieber of written pop culture, and no matter how trendy you might think he still is, even the yard sales aren’t taking his nonsense anymore.

Fruit Cake — My mother once gave me a fruit cake. I gave it to a friend who said he liked fruit cake. He didn’t really like fruit cake; he was just being polite. He gave it to his sister in Philadelphia. She passed in on to an ex-roommate at Chapel Hill. As far as I know, it has since been travelling around the southern United States like some seasonal Flying Dutchman — forever cursed to wander the Earth until Judgement Day when anyone who ever touched it is doomed.

Any tech stuff with an apple on it — First of all, that crap costs three times as much as anything else on the market that’s twice as good. Secondly, by the time you get it wrapped and under the tree, Apple will have already introduced a newer version that’s two nano-millimetres shorter. Thirdly, whatever you buy will have exactly the same functions as the thing the person already owns. And finally, Apple is living on lawsuits and its reputation; the creative light went out of that company a couple of years ago.

Seasonal Attire — While I agree that nothing says Christmas like the cable-knit Santa Claus sweater vest, it’s not your job to make your brother-in-law look like a jackass. His mother-in-law will do that for you. And the candy cane thong thing is just wrong.

Anything from the “Awesome Gifts for Under $20.00” list — Two scented candles or an acrylic peppermill are the best way I know of bluntly telling people they’re over the horizon in your social circle. Rather than emphasizing the point, you’re better off just sending a card and leaving it at that.

Oversized Art Books — Once called coffee table books, these dinosaurs haven’t been in vogue since Rob and Laura Petrie got divorced. They are the ultimate pain in the ass because they’re too nice to just throw away and too “oversized” to fit on any book shelf. So they end up cluttering up the living room and your friends look like your dumbass cousins who “casually” leave “smart” books hanging around — even though they think Vettriano is an after-dinner wine.

Finally, and most importantly, never, under any circumstances, give your dog, cat, budgie or iguana, reindeer antlers, elf hats or Santa Claus beards. This is just cruel. Your pets don’t know it’s Christmas, and they trust you not to make them appear foolish. If you do, you are exactly the kind of power-mad Grinch Christmas was put on this Earth to eliminate. Furthermore, I hope you get nothing in your stocking but diet books and fruit cake.

Christmas is a time for giving. With a little forethought and these simple guidelines your gift could be the talk of the turkey table. Only three weeks left.

How Edward the Mouse Found Christmas

It was one night from Christmas, and Edward the mouse
Was dreaming mouse dreams in his tiny mouse house.
He dreamt of his presents tucked under the tree:
A skateboard, an iPad and an Android 3G
Some new Uggs, Adidas and Old Navy jeans,
Just like all of the ads that he’d seen on TV
Little mouse trains and hi-def PVRs
Posters and iPods and little mouse cars.
He snuggled in bed as on his dream went,
For his e-mail to Santa had been promptly sent.
And to help Santa’s weight, he left five carrots sticks
And sugar-free soda to wash them down with.

Now Edward the mouse wasn’t greedy, you see,
But he’d been a good mouse (or at least, tried to be)
He’d done everything right and taken great care.
Now Christmas was here and he wanted his share.

Then the digital clock that sat by his head
Shone midnight, and Edward awoke in his bed.
The oddest of sounds, thought Edward, and then
He listened quite hard and he heard it again.
It sounded like someone was out by the tree,
So Edward got out of his bed just to see.
He tiptoed around and he took just one peek
And what he saw there would make any mouse squeak:
Santa Claus! – was holding one carrot stick out
To one of his reindeer who chomped it right down
“Oh my Gosh!” said Edward the mouse right out loud
When Santa heard that – well, he turned right around
And said, “What have we here? A mouse has slipped in.”
And the reindeer walked over and casually sniffed him.
Now Edward was frightened – he felt rather sick,
But Santa said, “Thank you for these carrot sticks.
My reindeer quite like them, as you probably know.
Myself, I like milk and fudge Oreos.
Now Edward mouse, you should be in your bed,
Not sneaking around here and squeaking instead.
But since you’re awake, come here and you’ll see
What present I’ll leave for you under the tree.”
Then Santa reached over and pulled from his sack
Gourmet Cheese in the Holiday Pack!
It had Muenster and Gouda and Natural Swiss
And one small salami (for flavour, I guess)
Edam and cheddar and something called Brie,
And little wheat crackers to go with the cheese.
It was wonderfully made and wrapped ever so nice,
Especially packaged for yuppies — and mice.
But Edward the mouse just stood there in shock.
This was nothing his little mouse mind ever thought:
No iPod? No skateboard? No Android 3G
So where was his Smart Phone? Oh, what could this mean?
He’d been a good mouse (or at least, tried to be.)
This was supposed to be Christmas all magic and dreams,
And Edward the mouse didn’t know what to say.
But Santa Claus smiled in his own special way.
He looked down at Edward and patted his head,
Twinkled his eyes, and quietly said,
“I know that you’ve seen all those ads on TV,
But what would a mouse do with Old Navy jeans?
The legs are too long and the pockets too deep.
Now I have to go, and you have to sleep

And on Christmas morning, Edward the mouse,
Got out of his bed in his tiny mouse house.
He ran for the tree and looked at his cheese
And never could ever a mouse be so pleased:
‘There’s more than enough cheese for me,” Edward said
“I’ll take it all out and share with my friends!
I’ll give them the Gouda, and Edam is nice.
Oh, they’ll be so pleased; they’ll be such happy mice!”
So he grabbed all the cheese and he left — just like that
(Of course, he remembered his coat and his hat)

But as he rushed out with the cheese he would share,
He’d forgotten the stocking he’d hung with such care.
So happy to give, our mouse didn’t know
There was one mouse-sized skateboard tucked into the toe.

Merry Christmas

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