Modern Sin 2021

I miss the days when sin was a tangible commodity.  You knew where you stood back then.  There were clear lines that you kinda crossed occasionally (or more often) but you did so at your peril. There were consequences for being a dick.  Okay, some of the rules were a bit much; after all, who among us hasn’t coveted their neighbour’s ass a time or two (metaphorically speaking) and I’ve never been convinced that a hotdog on Friday was enough to unleash the hounds of hell.  However, most of us (even the scoffers) stayed away from the Big Boys and left hardcore sinning to the professionals.  These days, however, sin has become a moveable feast, and even saints are having trouble trying to figure it out.  Luckily, I’m here to help.  I’ve created a 7 step scale that navigates the sin-isphere – from “You’ve some got explaining to do” to “Burn in hell!”

7 — Irish Pubs outside of Ireland – If you want to make fun of somebody, there’s no better way to do it than find an ordinary bar, change the name to “O’ Something,” stick a neon shamrock over the door and serve bad Guinness and potato skins.  This is a sin.  And the only way to make it worse is to have leprechaun-tossing contests on Too-Ra-Loo-Ra Tuesdays. Where the hell are the cultural appropriation people when you need them?  (BTW, this goes double for faux French cafes!)

6 — Stupid Foodie Stuff – There’s the deal: Cheeseburger Pizza is not fusion food: it’s a sin. Yeah, and turkey gravy ice cream is, too.  Real foodies are wonderful people – creative and adventurous — but the wannabes are culinary crackheads.  They have no respect for themselves, their guests or what they put in their mouths.  What next? Oreos and Orange juice?  I wouldn’t bet against it!

5 — Male Fashions – Men have always dressed like idiots – witness the codpiece – but in the 21st century, it’s gotten out of hand and needs to be called what it is – a sin.  No human (forget a Supreme Being) can look with favour on a baseball cap on backwards, an Aloha shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops — all at the same business meeting — on the same guy.  Dress for success has become God, what a mess!  No wonder most women believe men think with their protruding parts.

4 — Comical Clothing on Pets – No, no, no! A thousand times no!  Devil horns, reindeer antlers, bowties, propeller beanies, frilly skirts and false moustaches are not cute on animals: they’re a sin.  What you have just done is taken your most trusting friend, the one who’s been there for you, every time, without fail, (remember the night Herbie Jenkins dumped you?) and made them look ridiculous – for your own amusement.  This comes under the “Do unto others” doctrine.  If you insist on dressing your pets in comical clothes, they should have the right to take you to the doctor and have you neutered.  Fair is fair!  

3 — Bullshit University Degrees – Taking an 18-year-old, who is less than a decade away from believing Batman is a career choice, and convincing them to go into debt up to their eyeballs to get a degree in Leadership is a sin.  We’ve created at least one (and probably two) generations of seriously over-educated/woefully under-qualified young people who have no marketable skills beyond pouring coffee and complaining.  And considering how badly they got screwed, who can blame them when they can’t do either one properly? 

2 — Women’s Magazines – Even though, in recent years, these tableaux of evil have migrated from ink and photo to font and pixel, they are still the total sin they’ve always been.  When the only reason you exist is to tell women there’s something wrong with them, there’s something wrong with you.  This is psychological abuse on an industrial scale.

1 — Litter and Twitter – These two are off the scale on the Sin meter.  There is nothing worse than wantonly throwing your garbage on the ground or spewing vindictive trash across Cyberspace.  Nothing!  There is never, ever a reason to do either, and they are both just wrong – full stop.

I Have Questions – 2021

On Tuesday, I took a look at a few facts.  However I still have questions.  Here they are.

How come they don’t make mouse-flavored cat food?

How does anybody even know what the unwritten rules are?

Is taking a nap the human equivalent of rebooting a computer?

Was the Moon invaded by aliens on July 20th 1969?

Why are tobacco companies trying to kill their best customers?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a masochist tells you to hit them, should you say no?

Do you need to tune bagpipes?

Why does everybody know about secret societies?

If you’re a vegan who does Crossfit, which one should you mention first?

What happens if you take a survival course and don’t pass?

How important do you have to be to be assassinated instead of just murdered?

How come they charge you more for extra stuff on your hamburger but don’t reduce the price when you don’t want pickles?

Can Mars even have earthquakes?

In France, when people order toast, what do they get?

If it’s illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If a genie can only grant you three wishes, why doesn’t anybody ever wish for more genies?

In prison, do murderers laugh at attempted murderers because they didn’t get it right?

How come they make cars that can go twice as fast as the legal speed limit?

Why don’t psychics win all the lotteries?

And here are two of my favourites (even though they’re not mine)

Is today just the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday?

If you try to fail — and succeed — what did you just do?

Random Thoughts – This Week

Today, I’m here — clinging to a dead horse.  I swore, by all that’s holy, I was going to let it go, but I just can’t resist one more kick at the can.  (And, truth be told, it probably won’t be the last one, either.)  So here are a couple of random thoughts about the 3-ring circus our world has recently gotten itself into.

“Hey!  Pepe Le Pew!  No means no!  You deserve to get “cancelled,” ya smelly bugger!  And don’t think you can play the sex addict card either: that isn’t even a real thing.  You’re giving Frenchmen all over the world a bad name with your stupid beret and your phony Charles Boyer accent.  You’re just lucky that little cat doesn’t know the Roadrunner.  You wouldn’t be quite so frisky with an Acme anvil dropped on your ass.  Get some help, ya perv!”

On a more serious note.  Now that the book burners are lighting the torches again, maybe it’s time we pulled Ray Bradbury out of the hat.  After all, he warned us this would happen — back in 1953 (at the height of the McCarthy era witch hunts, BTW) when he wrote Fahrenheit 451.  But he also offered a solution.  In his novel, when the world goes crazy and starts banning burning books, the Resistance realizes the futility of talking sense to these nutbars and simply hides the books they’re trying to ban burn.  Then they secretly memorize them so they can’t/won’t be destroyed by the flames of ignorance.  Cool idea, huh?  So, if you or your child have a favourite book, jump up right now, and hide it!  And here’s the good bit: Dr. Seuss books are really easy to memorize.  I’ve already done Green Eggs and Ham – just in case the vegans start cutting up rough.

Finally, when I see the protestors on the streets in Belarus, Myanmar and Poland, my thoughts go to the bravery of Meghan Markle.  She, too, found herself in peril when she and her family were forced to flee – uh – Canada.  “It’s not safe; it’s not secure” was what Harry told Oprah Winfrey.  One can only imagine the panic the two of them (and little Archie) must have felt, trapped in a country as dangerous as – uh – Canada.  Frankly, I didn’t realize my country was so unsafe (We use “Sorry!” as a personal greeting here) but it must be quite the hellhole if the mean streets of Los Angeles look good in comparison.  Luckily, they somehow managed to get to a private jet and escape before tragedy struck, but it must have been an emotional ordeal. 

On a more personal note — and just to set the record straight — it was the Canadian taxpayer (people like moi) who paid the bill for your security in Canada before you told the Queen to take a hike, Ms. Windsor-Mountbatten.  A thankyou would have been nice.

See ya next week!