Jobs In The 21st Century

jobs

Like the elves of Middle Earth, jobs are leaving these shores and they’re not coming back.  These days, if you are a travel agent, cashier, bank teller, journalist, or in any one of the other 1,001 person-to-person professions of the 20th century – you’d better start looking over your shoulder.  In the next decade, your paycheque is going to go the way of the dinosaur.  Quite frankly, blacksmiths will have better employment opportunities than you will.  Luckily, however, economics is a survival of the fittest science, and it’s already creating a shedload of new careers.  Here’s just a small sampling of the new jobs being created in the 21st century.  The crazy thing is – for the most part — these are real.

Harassment Officer –This is the only job in history that’s totally dependent on the employee NOT doing the job.  Think about it!  If a Harassment Officer actually puts a stop to harassment in the workplace, they’re out of a job.

Social Media Consultant – Apparently, there are still people on this planet who don’t know how Facebook, Instagram and Twitter work.

Millennial Generation Expert – Yes, companies hire people to try and figure out what makes their younger employees tick.  My best guess is they wander around the office telling everybody under 30 they’re “awesome” and then, once a week, they give out trophies.

Personal Shopper – This job has been around for a while, but it still amazes me that some people hire people to buy presents for the friends and relatives they can’t be bothered going to Walmart for.

Bikini Waxer – Back in the day, personal grooming was – uh – personal. Now we get professionals in on the plot.  My question is how do these people learn their trade?  Where are the schools?

Cloud Services Specialist – I have no idea what the hell these people do.

Activist – These are the people who make a career out of being pissed off.

Grant Writer – These are the people who convince rich people to give them money to pay the people who’ve made a career out of being pissed off.

Uber Driver – Simplest job in the world.  All you have to do is go to Uber.com and sign up.  According to one person I talked to, Uber doesn’t even check to see if you actually have a car.

Influencer – We used to call these people shills. They worked carnivals and sideshows, trying to entice the local folk into spending their money on rigged games and cheap gadgets.  These days, they prowl the Internet and confine their activities to promoting perfumes and overpriced designer clothes.

Ethical Sourcing Officer – These are the people who make sure the Asian sweatshops aren’t beating the children who make those overpriced designer clothes.

Jean Ripper – I don’t know whether this is a real job or not, but somebody’s got to be ripping those overpriced designer jeans.

But my two favourites are:

Content Creator – These are the people who have YouTube channels, podcasts and — the grandmother of them all — blogs.  Yep, people actually get paid for wasting your time.

Content Reader – These are people who spend their days checking the contents of YouTube channels, podcasts and — the grandmother of them all — blogs.  Yep, people actually get paid for wasting their own time.

Blame It On Gutenberg!

gutenberg1

If you live long enough, you find yourself out of the loop.  You lose touch with your own society.  You don’t understand the language anymore, fashions look scandalous, music is noise, young people are stupid and technology is a battle, not a convenience.  This is why, for the most part, old people are grumpy.  They simply don’t understand the world they live in.  This is the natural order of things, and we all do it.  It’s been going on since Zeus replaced Horus as the god of choice along the Nile.  In essence, we remain brand loyal to the years that made sense to us and we never leave them, regardless of what the rest of the world is doing.  So we fondly remember the 60s or the 20s (or whenever we thought we were cool) and naturally wonder, loud and long what the hell happened to that time.

However, in recent history, this generational disconnection has become more than just a side effect of the trudge to the grave; it’s now happening to young people.  Thirty-somethings are looking back at the 80s like it was a Golden Age.  Forty-somethings are wrapping themselves in fashions clearly unsuitable for a widening waistline, and if you’re creeping up on fifty — forget it – you just might as well have been born during Prohibition.  The problem is we live in an age when the layers of knowledge are getting thinner and thinner, and if you miss one, you can never catch up.  Here’s how it works.

For the thousand years or so between the fall of the Roman Empire and the Renaissance, nothing much changed in our world.  Certainly, there were scientific and social advances during that time, but progress was slow.  To your average peasant, one century looked pretty much like the last one: a bit more plague, a little less heretic burning, but no decided differences.  People were born, lived and died in a world dominated by the church, impending famine and war.  Generations of people worked the land, built cathedrals and occasionally bashed each other over the head — for a millennium — with the tools and weapons their ancestors used.  Innovation, when it came, travelled slowly and new ideas were not readily accepted.  The layers of knowledge were thick.

This all changed when a German named Gutenberg built a printing press sometime around 1436.  Suddenly, ideas didn’t have to travel by word of mouth anymore (getting totally screwed up along the way.)  They could be written down and printed in large numbers.  So, if Wolfgang, a Bavarian smart guy, figured out a better way to grind wheat that knowledge was both easily assessable and, more importantly, widely distributed (with no embellishments.)  With this rapid exchange of information, the layers of knowledge got remarkably thinner.  By the time Pope Urban VIII was threatening to cut off Galileo’s protruding parts for saying the Earth revolved around the sun — not the other way around — in 1633, there was no stopping it.  Galileo may have recanted his discoveries to save his appendages, but his book remained out there for anybody to read.

Thus it was that invention no longer had to rely on the genius of one person to initiate change, nor the local gossipmonger to spread the word about it.  Books changed all that; ideas became permanently available.  Philosophers and scientists could build on each others’ knowledge just by reading each others’ books.  And each innovation was also written about, in turn, thus spawning dozens of refinements that continued the cycle.  The world of ideas expanded exponentially.  The layers of knowledge became thinner and thinner.

Skip forward two centuries and these days the layers of knowledge are so thin they don’t last more than a couple of years.  Some are added to our world and expanded upon before people are even acquainted with them.  For example, for 99% of history, people looked at a map if they wanted to know where they were going.  In the late 1990s, the GPS system revolutionized that.  However, before anybody could really cash in on a stand-alone GPS device, it became an accessory (App?) on our Smart phones.  The same thing is now happening with digital cameras and MP3 players.  These devices were born, lived and died in less time than it takes an average person to get a PhD in Sociology.

There is no longer a generation gap in our society.  There is only an information gap.  As the world spins ever faster all around us, we long for the security blanket of the objects we’re familiar with – whether they’re electronic devices or social interaction.  Nobody fully understands the world we live in (not that anybody ever did) but in the 21st century, more and more of us are falling further and further behind.  People are uploading and downloading information at such a furious rate no one can really process it properly.  (For example, that last sentence wouldn’t have made sense a generation ago.)   The result is we look with nostalgia on what we remember as a simpler time.  So the next time you see some kid with droopy drawers, talking to what is clearly a teenage prostitute, in a language akin to gibberish, while techno-noise booms in the background — blame it on Gutenberg: he started it all.

I originally wrote this is 2012 – ironically not much has changed since then.

Hashtag Dumbass!

dumbass

Unfortunately, I’m losing my fear of nuclear holocaust, climate change and a global pandemic because I’m beginning to believe that long before any of these disasters befalls us, our society is going to implode under the weight of its own stupidity.  Let me explain.  I was waiting in a doctor’s office when I happened to read something stupid on Twitter.  No big deal, right?  However, I was bored, so I googled “stupid tweets” and faster than I could say, “OMG! You’re a moron!” I was swamped.  It turns out there are entire websites and YouTube channels (lots of them) devoted to Twitter idiots.  Who knew?  In less than 20 minutes, I gleaned what you see here, and I can’t imagine what I would have come up with if I had put some muscle into the research.  It really begs the question: Are these The Final Days?

Disclaimer: These have been heavily edited because our society a) can’t spell, b) wouldn’t know punctuation if it bit them on the bum and c) is obsessed with obscenities.

How big is the specific ocean?

What’s the capital of Africa?

What is Obama’s last name?  Does anybody even know?

If airplanes can fly, why don’t we just fly them to Mars and shit and quit wasting so much money on rockets?

How do I get YouTube to come and film me?  I do a lot of funny things, but I can’t find out where to message them to come and film me.

The Olsen twins are so awesome, and they’re sisters with the same birthday.  How cool is that?

This guy even got a reply
Is the iFold Tower in France?
It’s not the iFold Tower; it’s the Eyeful Tower, and it’s in Europe – dumbass!

When they filmed Jurassic Park, how did they get so close to the dinosaurs?  I don’t understand.  #confused

I’m pregnant.  Will my baby have all my tattoos?  #worried

I don’t like dolphins anymore.  Squirrels are my favourite reptile now.

I’m going to stay a virgin for my whole life — so I can set a good example for my children.

I ate so many cookies I think I’m going to die of beaties.

What kind of meat is lamb?  Beef or pork?  I’m not supposed to eat pork, so I need to know.

If Trump gets elected, I’m leaving America and moving to California.

We did 30 songs in 3 days – 75% written and 40% freestyle.

Why did that Facebook guy offer 3 billion to buy Snapchat when he could have just downloaded it from the App Store for free?

How does the water in a waterfall get back up to the top?

Why the hell did Benjamin Franklin have to invent lightning /:

Is NASA stupid?  Don’t they realize that every time they launch a shuttle, it puts a hole in the ozone layer which causes …

And as a bonus, a couple of celebrities:

Why are all the buildings in NYC standing straight up?  If earth is round, then some of the buildings would have a slight tilt.
Tila Tequila

Hello, Facebook.  Yes, this is actually Lindsay.  Welcome to my Facebook page.
Lindsay Lohan

And possibly the stupidest man on the planet.  (There were several Tweets to choose from.)

If we exhale more than we inhale, we feed the plants.  This will end world hunger.
Jaden Smith