As I get older (notice I didn’t say old) I find that the thread of my patience grows thin.  There’s a ton of stuff I just walk away from.  It’s not that these things make me angry – they don’t – they’re just vaguely annoying — like some asshole blasting his music through a quiet summer night.  (More about that later.)  The truth is there are whole sections of contemporary life that make me feel like an old dog who doesn’t quite get the point of fetching the stick anymore.  I’ve got nothing against the stick or the girl who throws it — I just don’t see the purpose.  Anyway, here are a few things that don’t actually make sense to me – uh – just because.

Bucket Lists – I’m really sorry you didn’t have the stones to bungee jump when you were 23, but challenging gravity to a duel at 72 isn’t a) all that smart and b) of any concern to anybody but your beneficiaries.

Talking about Trump – Folks, there are only so many different ways you can call somebody a jerk.  I get it, okay?  The guy’s Adolf Hitler’s evil grandson.  Give it a rest!

TV programs that keep going sideways – Get on with it, for God’s sake!  I’m looking at you, Game of Thrones.

British accents in television commercials – It’s an indisputable fact that, in North America, you can sell dirt to farmers if you dress it up in an English accent.  But why do they all sound like someone from Dorset, trying to dislodge a corn cob – from their nose?

Hate Crimes – For the life of me, I can’t understand why beating somebody over the head with a rake because you hate them is somehow legally, morally and physically worse than the simple act of beating somebody over the head with a rake.

Age is just a number – The only people who spout this kind of nonsense have very low numbers.

Road Rage – Actually, I’ve never been able to figure out how shouting, beeping the horn and offering other drivers the finger can possibly enhance the quality of anybody’s journey.

Long-winded stories about tacky tattoos – This one speaks for itself.

Standing in Line – There isn’t one thing on this planet worth waiting in line for– with the possible exception of the resurrection of Elvis.  And even then, I’d have to think about it.

And just one more:

Gratuitous Noise – To me, loud stereos, overpowered motorcycles, missing mufflers and public arguments all boil down to the same thing: too bad about your penis, buddy!

I was prowling around the archives, looking for stuff to put in a book I’m going to publish next autumn – WD Fyfe: Collected and Bound.  Anyway, some stuff is good, some stuff is bad, some stuff is extraordinary (good and bad!)  However, a couple of things stood out because they clearly demonstrate the reason I write a blog in the first place.  Here’s one of them from the summer of 2015.  (gently edited)

Dog Shit, Without Tears!

On occasion, everybody steps in dog shit, literally or metaphorically.  It’s inevitable — like puberty or menopause.  It’s how we handle it that’s important.  Recently, I witnessed a dog shit incident and — Wow! — did I ever get a look into life in the 21^st century.

I was standing outside an office building, having a coffee and sneaking an early evening cigarette (it’s an occasional vice) when a well-dressed woman (not a child, nor even a girl) came stumble-running around the corner.  She was clearly in distress.  She looked at me in shock, lurched forward, grabbed at the construction fence as her only means of support, and hung there, gasping and weeping as if she’d just seen an axe murder.  I hit the adrenaline button, dropped everything and stride, stride, stride, went to help.

“Are you alright?  What happened?  Are you okay?”
She turned to me, and in a voice overwhelmed with crisis, said, “I stepped in dog poo!”
I tilted my head like an inquiring beagle, but before I could register a WTF reaction, her support group came wheeling around the corner.  A mixed-gender bag of 30-somethings, they brushed me out of the way as if I’d been mansplaining their friend and surrounded her in a two-deep comfort zone.  I stepped back to my spilled coffee to give them room, and for the next 10, 15 (I gave up at some point) or even 20 minutes, I watched as they conducted an impromptu crisis intervention.

Okay, so what have we learned?

Despite the contemporary habit of sprinkling obscenities through every conversation, curiously enough, at unguarded moments, 21^st century adults use words like “poo.”

Remember, our girl came around the corner first, so at some point, overcome by the trauma (drama?) she must have panicked and fled headlong into the night.  Think about that!

There were plenty of kind words, a lot of hugs, and tissues for the eyes, but nobody actually dealt with the offending shoe.  To be fair, one Sir Walter Raleigh did take his jacket off, but I never saw what he did with it.  (Only his drycleaner could tell us that.)

The group, all dressed up with obviously some place to go, actually stopped the evening’s activities cold to deal with this emotional emergency — at some length.

And finally, no one in the group gave any indication that this was the least bit odd.  There wasn’t one dissident voice.  For example, nobody said, “For God sake, Madison!  Scrape it off, and let’s go!”

The thing that blows me away about this little ad hoc soiree is these were ordinary people.  I didn’t accidently run into a drama queen convention.  Nor was it their first emotional rodeo.  They’d been there before — lots! — and, despite their lack of dog shit removal skills, they knew exactly what they were doing.

My point is, emotionally fragile has become a way of life in the 21^st century.  We are easily angered, eagerly offended and regularly resort to “the meltdown” to prove our emotional stake in the game.  It’s our way of demonstrating our humanity, sensitivity and depth of character.  The problem is it works.  People take this stuff seriously!

Me, I’m from a different time and, call me old-fashioned, but I prefer dog shit without tears.