As I get older (notice I didn’t say old) I find that the thread of my patience grows thin. There’s a ton of stuff I just walk away from. It’s not that these things make me angry – they don’t – they’re just vaguely annoying — like some asshole blasting his music through a quiet summer night. (More about that later.) The truth is there are whole sections of contemporary life that make me feel like an old dog who doesn’t quite get the point of fetching the stick anymore. I’ve got nothing against the stick or the girl who throws it — I just don’t see the purpose. Anyway, here are a few things that don’t actually make sense to me – uh – just because.
Bucket Lists – I’m really sorry you didn’t have the stones to bungee jump when you were 23, but challenging gravity to a duel at 72 isn’t a) all that smart and b) of any concern to anybody but your beneficiaries.
Talking about Trump – Folks, there are only so many different ways you can call somebody a jerk. I get it, okay? The guy’s Adolf Hitler’s evil grandson. Give it a rest!
TV programs that keep going sideways – Get on with it, for God’s sake! I’m looking at you, Game of Thrones.
British accents in television commercials – It’s an indisputable fact that, in North America, you can sell dirt to farmers if you dress it up in an English accent. But why do they all sound like someone from Dorset, trying to dislodge a corn cob – from their nose?
Hate Crimes – For the life of me, I can’t understand why beating somebody over the head with a rake because you hate them is somehow legally, morally and physically worse than the simple act of beating somebody over the head with a rake.
Age is just a number – The only people who spout this kind of nonsense have very low numbers.
Road Rage – Actually, I’ve never been able to figure out how shouting, beeping the horn and offering other drivers the finger can possibly enhance the quality of anybody’s journey.
Long-winded stories about tacky tattoos – This one speaks for itself.
Standing in Line – There isn’t one thing on this planet worth waiting in line for– with the possible exception of the resurrection of Elvis. And even then, I’d have to think about it.
And just one more:
Gratuitous Noise – To me, loud stereos, overpowered motorcycles, missing mufflers and public arguments all boil down to the same thing: too bad about your penis, buddy!