Tag: words

The Loss Of “I Don’t Know”

IDK

One of the weird casualties of the 21st century is that insignificant little phrase, “I don’t know.”  Think about it!  When was the last time you heard anybody say “I don’t know”?  It’s been awhile, right?  We don’t say “I don’t know” anymore because, in actual fact, we do know – literally everything.  It’s called a smart phone, and it puts all of us within a couple of swipes of the knowledge of the universe.  Unfortunately, this minor adjustment in the way we use our language has had a major impact on our society.

Personally, I lament the loss of “I don’t know.”  Back in the day, “I don’t know” helped us gracefully escape from all kinds of situations.

The strange guy on the street who smelled like dirty feet – (before Google Maps)
“Hey, dude, I think I’ve got, like, aliens following me.  Do you know where the cop shop is so I can report them?”
Solution — “I don’t know”– and a quick walk the other way.

The boring girl at the party – (before IMDb)
“Who was that guy?  You know– that guy.  He was in that movie with Liam Neeson where he shoots all those people?  You know– him.  It was before he was famous.  He has those pretty eyes.  I can see him.  And, and he was in that other movie– you know, the one with what’s-her-name.  You know the guy?
Solution — “I don’t know”–  and move on to the shrimp dip.

Aunt Myra’s problem with her antique bathroom – (before YouTube)
“When your uncle was alive, he used to take care of these things.  I know I still have the tools somewhere.  It’s probably just plugged under the sink.”
Solution — “I don’t know anything about plumbing, auntie.  Sorry.”

The friend who wants you to help him move – (before Android Calendar)
“Come on, man!  I gotta be out by the end of the month, or she’s going to throw all my stuff off the balcony.  Please, please, please tell me you can give me a hand on Saturday?
Solution – “I don’t know.  I’ll have to go home and check.”

It’s sad, but without the cushion of “I don’t know,” all of us are now saddled with a lot more responsibility, and I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs didn’t think about that back in 2005.

 

Beware The “ible/ables”

I have been plagued by the dichotomy of the “ible/able” words my entire life.  These are the words that, as little kids, we’re told  are the GPS to success.  However, by the time we become teenagers, we discover that these words are really a double-edged sword.  And then, as adults we realize that, at times, they’re just out and out lies.  Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way.

able

Sensible

What it’s supposed to mean — Doing the proper thing.
What it actually means — Staying home and studying for your algebra exam while all your friends are at a party so-o-o epic that they’re still talking about it 20 years later!  The one where some guy took your girlfriend, Monica Peters, home — and a week later she dumped you.

Reasonable

What it’s supposed to mean — Looking at all facets of a problem or situation.
What it actually means — You’re going to get your ass kicked trying to explain to the wannabe biker on the Harley that the horn on your fuel- efficient Ford Fiesta just gets stuck sometimes.

Capable

What it’s supposed to mean — The ability to perform a number of different tasks or duties.
What it actually means — You’re always given the crap jobs ’cause you’re the only one who knows how to do them.

Dependable

What it’s supposed to mean — A consistency that people can rely on
What it actually means — Guess who’s going to be the designated driver — again?

And finally

Responsible

What it’s supposed to mean — Personally taking care of the things required of you.
What it actually means — The night before the big meeting, you meticulously lay out your wardrobe, review your presentation, gather your notes, your charts, pens, paper, a pointer and another pen — just in case.  You arrive 15 minutes early.  Brenda arrives 10 minutes late, looking like she slept in her clothes.  She borrows your extra pen and some paper and scribbles a few lines while Dexter is rambling on about the “Mission Statement.”  Then, when you hesitate because you don’t want to look too pushy, she lays out the most brilliant proposal anybody in the company (including you) has ever heard — the bitch!

The “ible/able” words let you sleep at night, but they’re not very much fun.

10 Side Effects Of Being A Writer (Plus 1)

writer4I have spent half my life writing for money.  I truly believe I’ve got the best gig in the universe.  However, there are some serious drawbacks.  So, for all those people who think that touching pen to paper is a worthy way to spend their time, here are some of the evil side effects of being a writer.

1 — You must take an involuntary vow of poverty.  Unless your name is J R Rowling, Stephanie Meyer or that soulless word whore, E.L. James, you’re going to be poor.  The reality is 99% of all writers make less money than Bulgarian shepherds.  If you’re content with that, great: if not, buy some sheep.

2 — You spend a lot of time (A-LOT-OF-TIME) alone.  Political prisoners in China have more human interaction than writers do.

3 — You never actually get a vacation.  You just go to work in a different city.

4 — You learn to like all kinda weird crap like cold coffee, warm Pepsi, celery, carrot sticks and the gooey bits in the middle of Oreos.

5 — Every person you meet has a “fantastic” idea for a novel that would “really sell.”  All they need is someone to “help” them write it.

6 — Over the years, you become a fountain of useless information.  Unfortunately, by the time you’ve amassed this trivia encyclopedia, you’re too damn old to go on Jeopardy.

7 — You pray for rain.

8 — You discover everybody’s a critic.  Your family, your friends, acquaintances, the woman who recognized you at the gas station, the guy whose email isn’t even close to coherent, people you’ve just met, people you’ve never met, people you’re never going to meet. In fact, put words on paper and it’s open season on your ego — get used to it.

9 — You become an absolute expert at avoidance behaviour.  My personal favourite is still Spider Solitaire.

10 — You spend more time worrying about things like the difference between “only had” and “had only” than you do about buying a car.

And the worst (or best) evil side effect of being a writer:

11 — If you’re not very, very careful, you’ll start having more fun with fictional people than you do with real ones.