Month: September 2010

Time Flies September 24

Arrivals:

1936 – Jim Henson, the alter-ego of Ernie and Kermit the Frog.  He began using puppets on TV while he was still in college and incorporated a bunch of his creations into Muppets Inc., in 1963.  It was Sesame Street, in 1969 that brought his work to a national audience, and at one time Big Bird was getting more fan mail than any other TV personality.  His other television show The Muppets produced one of the greatest love stories of all time: alter-ego Kermit and ultra-ego Miss Piggy.

1959 – Steve Whitmire, who took over the personalities of Ernie and Kermit the Frog after Jim Henson passed away suddenly in 1990.  Whitmire and Henson were born on the same day.  Coincidence?  I hope so.

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1947 – The fictitious date of the fictitious memo supposedly signed by President Truman to create a secret government committee in response to the fictitious alien landing at Roswell in July of 1947.  According to the memo, the committee was called Majestic 12.  The original purpose of Majestic 12 was to coordinate all the alien stuff that the government was hiding from us, but since the memo was a fake in the first place, Majestic 12 has since become the cornerstone of a boatload of UFO conspiracy theories.

1979 – Pioneer computer company CompuServe introduced the first consumer Internet package which included electronic mail.  No! there is no connection between the first e-mail and a fake memo about aliens.

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Departures:

1991 – Theodor Seuss Geisel, an author and illustrator.  Dr. Seuss, as he is commonly called, began writing children’s books in 1937.  He has written over 60 of them — about such impressive characters as Horton who heard a Who, the Grinch who tried to steal Christmas and Sam I Am.   His most delightful character, The Cat in the Hat, was created in response to a Life Magazine article about child illiteracy in 1954.  It was published in 1957 and is still a favourite even though it was totally screwed up in the movie.  Seuss is also credited with coining the word “nerd” in his book If I Ran the Zoo.

1994 – Jeff Moss, a composer and lyricist for Sesame Street.  He wrote such classics as “I Love Trash,” “Who are the People in your Neighbourhood,” and “Rubber Duckie.”

Time Flies September 23

Arrivals:

 Even if you don’t believe in astrology, you’ll have to admit that the musical planets are somehow aligned on September 23rd.  Ray Charles was born on this day in 1930.  Like him or don’t, Julio Iglesia was also born on this day in 1943, as well as Bruce Springsteen in 1949 and Ani Difranco in 1970.  Pretty darn strange and — OMG — Ani DiFranco is 40!

1806 – Lewis and Clark arrived back in St Louis after a two year journey to explore the west (recently purchased from Napoleon by Thomas Jefferson) and find the Pacific Ocean.  The Pacific Ocean had always been there, and all the people they encountered didn’t realize there had even been a real estate deal.  Anyway, they found the Pacific, which they inexplicably named Cape Disappointment, and returned home safely.  This was mainly because they had with them the very first, truly portable GPS – a young Shoshone woman named Sacajawea.

1952 – Vice Presidential candidate Richard Nixon went on national television to deliver the first in a series of “I am not a crook!” speeches.  He had been accused of keeping a slush fund and was there to deny it.  The press called it the “Checkers Speech” because Nixon tear-jerked the audience with an anecdote about his children’s dog, named Checkers.  From there Nixon went from failure to failure until he was finally elected president in 1968.  In 1972, the Watergate break-in revealed he was presiding over the second most corrupt organization in North America and he resigned.

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Departures:

1939 – Sigmund Freud, the first guy to tell us we had a brain.  He then proceeded to tell us it didn’t work.   Thousands of psychiatrists have followed in his footsteps, telling us how to fix it, and, of course, just how much money it’s going to take to do that.

1987 – Bob Fosse, primarily known as a choreographer.  He won 8 Tony Awards for choreography in his career, but he was also a pretty good director.  In 1973, he was the first — and so far the only — director ever to win a Tony, (Pippin), an Emmy, (Liza with a “Z”) and an Oscar, for (Cabaret) — all in the same year.

10 “Unanswerable” Questions

On September 20th Internet search engine Ask and, in Britain, Ask Jeeves posted a top 10 list of “unanswerable” questions.  Apparently this list is based on over a billion queries made on their site since it started in 2000.

What a joke!  These questions are totally answerable.  In fact, they’re easy.

Try it.  First the questions, then the questions with the answers.

Don’t cheat.

 Top 10 “unanswerable” questions.

1)      What is the meaning of life?

2)      Is there a God?

3)      Do blondes have more fun?

4)      What is the best diet?

5)      Is there anybody out there?

6)      Who is the most famous person in the world?

7)      What is love?

8)      What is the secret to happiness?

9)      Did Tony Soprano die?

10)  How long will I live?

Now the answers:

 What is the meaning of life?

There is no meaning.  Human beings are just techno-termites toiling away at our structures whether they be monster hotels in Vegas or virtual agriculture in Farmville.

Is there a God?

Of course!  Do you really believe people like Glen Beck and Lindsay Lohan are the result of millions of years of natural selection?

Do blondes have more fun?

Yes, but they don’t know it.

What is the best diet?

Are you kidding?  The Mediterranean Diet – tons of salad and bread, 600kinds of pasta, 300 different sauces, every cheese known to man – including Parmigiano – and, if that isn’t good enough for ya, there’s tons of pizza and a bottomless bottle of wine, and – oh,yeah – you get gelato at the end of it all!  Like Jenny Craig can compete with that?

Is there anybody out there?

Given that there are billions of galaxies in the universe, each of those has billions of stars in it and each of those has planets revolving around it, and take into consideration that each one of those planets has had billions of years of evolution for intelligent life to come crawling out of the primeval ooze, then yes, certainly there is somebody out there.

However, the Area 51/Roswell/Alien autopsy/ UFO conspiracy folks are still idiots because, given that there are billions of galaxies in the universe, each of those has billions of stars in it and each of those has planets revolving around it, what are the chances that any intelligent life would travel several Light Years through directionless space to visit Dawna and Eddie in a trailer park in Nevada?  Especially since the Dawna-and-Eddies of the universe never have batteries in their cameras and can’t figure out focus…

Who is the most famous person in the world?

Elvis.

What is love?

The warm feeling between “Hell-o” and “Of course, we’ll always be friends.”

What is the secret to happiness?

Sex and good socks.

Did Tony Soprano die?

Yes, but what most people don’t know is that Meadow takes over the family (a la Annalisa Zucca, the Italian crime boss from Napoli in Season Two.)  She tells Patrick Parisi to take a hike and brings Furio Giunta out of hiding to help her run the show.  She locks up her little brother in an extended care facility in New Mexico and then takes over what’s left of Phil Leotardo’s organization.

How long will I live?

Right up until you see that light at the end of the tunnel or the point of impact – whichever comes first.