A Few Helpful Hints For A Better Autumn

autumnWe finally made it.  Summer is officially over.  Once again, humanity has survived Mother Nature’s cunning plan to kill us all with soul- searing heat, mind-poaching humidity and the choking smoke of a billion barbeques.  Pat yourself on the back, folks. But don’t get complacent ’cause it ain’t over yet.  Believe it or not, there are people in this world who love summer and lament its passing.  Yes, I know: it sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Unfortunately, these folks just don’t know how to act once the temperature drops below broil.  Personally, I tolerate these misguided creatures, but many people don’t.  So, as the sun slowly fades south, if you’re still wearing flip-flops, here are a few helpful hints so that we can all live together in harmony this autumn.

If you insist on playing Christmas music before October 31st, you can be legally killed and your rotting corpse used as a Hallowe’en display.

Hallowe’en is a children’s holiday.  It’s not a Skank-a-thon.  Control yourself!

Pumpkin Spice is one of the biggest scams since Hallmark came out with Hallowe’en cards.  It isn’t even a real spice!  So, saying you’ve been waiting all year for it is like saying you’ve been waiting for Bernie Madoff to take your money.  And BTW, Pumpkin Spice potatoes, salmon and asparagus are all bullshit!

Parents, we understand you’re overjoyed that your kids aren’t hanging around the house anymore. But, folks!  You’re only driving them to school; you’re not in a race to get them the last seat on the Mars Rover!

Guys, put away the short pants.  You look ridiculous.  You’re a grown man, for God’s sake!

Likewise, women: a long woolen Harry Potter scarf with a pleated micro mini isn’t fashion: it’s a open invitation to pneumonia.

And if you’re too stupid to wear enough clothes when it’s cold, you deserve to get sick — so quit bitchin’ about it.

Also, Germbags!  If you’re sniffling, sneezing, wheezing or coughing up a lung, stay away from public transportation. That includes taxis and airplanes. (What is it with sick people?  Why do they all have this uncontrollable urge to travel?)

And a couple more words of caution — so you don’t become so annoying that regular people finally just snap and slap the crap outta ya:

It’s not necessary to announce that there are only X number of days left until Christmas — every half hour.

And, no,– I have no idea what I’m going to do for Hallowe’en.   Quit asking!

7 Ways To Tell If A Movie Is Crap (plus one more)

movies

I’ve walked out of only two movies in my life: Roman Polanski’s Macbeth and You’ve Got Mail.  (I’ll just let that sink in for a minute.)  Anyway, it’s not that I’ve endured that many bad movies; it’s just that, over the years, I’ve learned how to pick ’em.   So before you make the popcorn, settle into your ass groove on the sofa and let iTunes scam you for another $4.99, here are seven ways (plus one) to tell if a movie is going to be crap.
DISCLAIMER:  These are only guidelines.  They work most of the time, but there are some exceptions.

The 4th Movie In A Franchise — By the time the studios get to #4, the stories are lame, the actors are tired, the directors are bored (if they’re even still there) and the FX is gratuitous and over the top.  These are name recognition cash grabs; stay away from them! There are two notable exceptions: Star Trek: The Journey Home and Thunderball.  (FYI, Mad Max: Fury Road doesn’t count. It had a different cast.)

Movies Made From 60s/70s/80s TV Programs — Movie producers know Baby Boomers (and their adult children) have money, and they desperately want to get their mitts on it.  So, they tap into the nostalgia of an aging population who think they’re still cool.  They trot out a familiar name, rework the original story (with all the catch phrases) and hire some actors with little or no self respect.  These movies are unadulterated trash, but the studios don’t care ’cause they’re guaranteed a couple of million profit on name recognition alone.  (FYI, Star Trek doesn’t count.  It had the same cast.)

Movies Made From Video Games — This is just a dumbass idea.  The potential audience for these movies are gamers who — wait for it! — PLAY video games.  They don’t watch video games play themselves.  D’uh!  The rest of us, non-gamers, have heard of the title, but we have no idea what’s going on, who the Lizard People are, what everybody’s fighting about and why all the nuns have machine guns.

Classic Remakes — There ought to be a law against taking wonderful old movies and ruining them with CGI.

Old Men — If a movie features an old megastar trying to be funny, chances are good he won’t be.  What you’re going to get is Viagra jokes, some boobs, at least one reference to substance abuse and a weirdo relationship that’s a cross between necro- and pedo- philia.  NEWS FLASH — Hot 20-something chicks don’t normally go for old men.  Trust me! I know what I’m talking about.

Too Many Old Men — If the average age of your ensemble cast is over 70,  this is a bad movie. I don’t care if the old buggers want to rob a bank, go on a road trip, look for their lost youth, skydive, hunt for treasure, find the girl of their dreams, take down an evil dictator, save the world, go to space ….  God, just shoot me in the head!  Doesn’t anybody in Hollywood retire anymore?

Bad Actors — Some actors make bad movies — all the time.  For example, Ashton Kutcher has never made a good movie.  (He hasn’t even come close.)  Then there’s Kevin James, Megan Fox, Tyler Perry, Jai Courtney, Jessica Alba, etc., etc., etc.  I’m sure there’s a list of these losers somewhere.  Anyway, when you see any one of this worthless crew in a movie, save your money and go do a crossword puzzle.

And finally:

Adam Sandler, Nicholas Cage and Johnny Depp — Adam Sandler movies are so bad they’re actually in a class of their own.  Cage had his moments — ten years ago. And I have no idea what the hell happened to Johnny Depp.

Social Media Makes Us Tribal

neanderthals

Here at the shallow end of the 21st century, social evolution has stopped.  Having fallen short of Marshall McLuhan’s big idea of a Global Village (a long story for another time) we’ve unconsciously abandoned it, and now we’re reverting back to the comforts of our parochial tribal past.  This sounds preposterous (especially at a time when a guy in Indonesia can watch a YouTube girl in Belgium burp the alphabet in real time) but it’s absolutely true, and I can prove it.  First, the quick and dirty history lesson.

About five minutes after our ancestors dropped out of the trees, they made an interesting discovery.  Individually, humans are at the bottom of the food chain.  As animals go, we aren’t quiet enough, fast enough or strong enough to be anything more than dinner.  However, taken together, with these big brains of ours, we are the ultimate predator, capable of killing and eating everything in our path.  So, it made sense for humans to hang out in groups.  Originally these were 4 or 5 extended families who all knew each other and shared a common idea: let’s not get eaten, and let’s eat.  These early tribes, separated from each other by distance and geography, were naturally suspicious and even hostile to anybody outside the group.  As in: “This is my food chain.  Get your own!”

Now, throw in  half a million years of social evolution — agriculture, industry, art, religion, politics, etc. — and you end up here in 2017.  Our food chain stretches across the planet, and we don’t give a damn about distance and geography.

In our time, a billion people watched Pippa Middleton’s fine behind waltz into Westminster Abbey when her sister Kate married little Billy Windsor.  A year later, a chubby Korean pop star turned a silly dance called Gangham Style into a planetary phenom.  Half the world watches the Olympics, and more than that watch the World Cup.  Local disasters like hurricane Irma are heard around the world, and very few people on this planet don’t recognize Trump or Putin or Adele or Taylor Swift.  These are the shared ideas of an Internet-driven, One Click Universe.

However, the Internet also has an unexpected consequence — Social Media.  Social Media allows us to retreat behind our screens, surround ourselves with people who have similar ideas, and isolate ourselves from the people who don’t.  Sound familiar?  Take a look at your Facebook account.  I’ll bet (give or take some petty disagreements) everybody there basically shares your fundamental values.  This is your tribe (E-tribe?) and they’re only doing what tribes are supposed to do — keep the group cohesive and strong.  Instagram and Snapchat work the same way.  So do Tumblr, Pinterest and even the mighty Twitter.  Objectively, Twitter’s attacks on strangers are nothing more than a Cybertribe being very, very hostile to an outsider who doesn’t share their point of view.

Our Internet world may let us look far beyond the horizon to occasionally sneak a peek at Pippa’s bum or to cheer Götze’s World Cup winning goal, but on a daily basis, we’re using it to check Facebook (or Twitter etc.) ’cause that’s where our friends are.  And our friends, by definition, share our values and echo what we already know to be true.  The problem is that, as we spend more and more time in Cyberspace, we’re spending more and more time in the comfort and safety of our tribe.  Unfortunately, this means we have less and less time for ideas and attitudes we don’t agree with — and so they’re becoming more and more foreign to us.  As are the people who expound them.  Thus, the sophisticated ideal that there’s a universal core to human existence is slowly seeping away, and it’s being replaced by the more immediate and primitive “them and us” mentality.  Our ancestors gathered together in tribes for safety and as the nuances and complexities of our world threaten us we are doing the same.